Adoptive Parents of Estranged Children Community Group

Did your adopted teen/adult child reject you and sever all family ties? Come and share heartaches and comfort with others in the same situation as we try to piece our families back together. We particularly welcome adoptees who were estranged from their adoptive families and want to share how they found their way back home.

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Children's Health & Parenting
/ Adoptive Parents of Estranged Children Support Group

Factors that contribute to estrangement

foreverfamily
foreverfamily
Another poster asked me to help revive this group, so I will to whatever extent I can. Here's a copy of part of our private conversation. I'm hoping this may get a dialogue going on the factors that play into our estrangements:

"Yes I will help as much as i can. I'm in college and working so time is not plentiful! But I do feel that the adoption aspect is a huge factor in our estrangements. Attachment disorder, other disorders, and the lack of genetic familiarity and from-the-womb bonding play big parts for us. Also, I feel the acceptance or rejection of God plays a part too for Christians with estranged children. What is really puzzling tho is the grown kids who DO go to church and seem to care about their relationships with God, yet feel fine about rejecting and dishonoring parents. Go figure on that one."
OverAndOut2
OverAndOut2
I think the early bonding is key somehow. When a bio parent is not there emotionally and is perhaps neglectful to the point that their kids are harmed or abused even by others, is the bond ever fully developed? And if the child is then removed from the home and then bounces through 3 or 4 families, possibly with a failed adoption or two thrown in the mix, what chance is there for a bonding as a teenager to a new adoptive mom?! I should have done my research although I believed at the time that God was leading me to adopt. I want peace and understanding and acceptance but they continue to be elusive or fleeting at best.
foreverfamily
foreverfamily
It is very possible and even likely, that yes, God was leading you to adopt. The steps of the righteous are ordered of the Lord. I've heard and experienced "God stories" of how adoptive families were brought together. God is in it. That does not guarantee that we will receive appreciation, reciprocal love or even normal human manners in return. This world is so full of crazy and dysfunctional people, by now, I've taken to just concentrating on doing right myself, like a horse with blinders, plodding on, and trying so hard not to be distracted by the insane behavior all around me. So, feel good about following God's leading. We only have to answer for our own lives, not the choices others' make. Christian parents, who knows how these kids would have turned out without us? Something good has come and will come from our diligent parenting and our prayers. Maybe it's not something we needed, but for someone else. All part of God's plan, the parts that feel great and the parts that are so painful.
OverAndOut2
OverAndOut2
Thank you FF. I do know that I probably would not be turning to God with quite the same desperation and humility had it not been for the estrangement. I believe God is possibly growing me more than my ED thru this whole experience and maybe that was his plan all along. So much healing still to be done, but I do find comfort in sharing with others who are walking the same walk.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've wondered the same thing: Is this happening so that I will draw closer to God? How can I draw closer to God when I'm so angry with her.

My husband keeps saying that someday she will grow up - it may not be in our lifetime.

I'm reading the book, "The Primal Wound." I guess it's helping me deal with my anger toward her - causing me to forgive her because she has a wound that may never be healed. I know that's what God wants me to do - forgive. But I'm so angry and hurt! She took our love and everything we gave her: braces, class trips, piano and voice lessons, a college education, everything that goes with life in a Christian home - and just turned her back on it! Of course I'm angry. And I'm sure God understands that - but he isn't going to put up with it from me for very long. He wants me to forgive.