Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
I posted this in the ptsd forum too because my ptsd I'm sure started by being yanked from my mother at birth than having several surgies as a new born.
No one understands, I live my life by a simple rule...being respectful and I always get hurt. My doctor had to "scrape me off the sidewalk again" as he puts it. Why? Because I always put myself out there and I always get kicked in the teeth. I wake up every morning with a feeling of dread, I feel as if I taint every life I touch. When does the pain stop? I believe the pursuit of happiness is a wild goose chase, sure I can pursue it all I want, but I can't have it. Yea, every so often life gives me a little taste to tease me.
I spent 42 years of my 50 years chasing my sister (she passed in 02), trying to live up to my parents expectations based on her and most days I think she's still doing better than me. She got off lucky, she never married, never had kids, had very little friends and just slipped away into the night.
I have to stay here and endure this torture everyday because a handful of loved ones would be hurt if I was gone.
Besides ptsd I have a laundry list and one is a specific phobia of blood, doctors and the like. It's no simple thing, I found a loophole in my own madness and Wednesday I'm going for the first total blood work I've had since August 1981. (the loophole is they are going to take the blood from the back of my leg)
On the 17th I have my first 100% physical since 1981, I'm torn between whether to be afraid they'll find something bad or they wont. I'm always so alone, though I'm rarely physically alone. Is this what it's all for, to be a prisoner? Or is this really hell?
Why are there no answers? What did I do to deserve this? I didn't ask to be born, my real mother didn't want me so she gave me up (probably because I was sickly), I've been defective for 50 years stumbling around in the dark...where is the light. God tells me he is the light, why wont he shine some on me?
No one understands, I live my life by a simple rule...being respectful and I always get hurt. My doctor had to "scrape me off the sidewalk again" as he puts it. Why? Because I always put myself out there and I always get kicked in the teeth. I wake up every morning with a feeling of dread, I feel as if I taint every life I touch. When does the pain stop? I believe the pursuit of happiness is a wild goose chase, sure I can pursue it all I want, but I can't have it. Yea, every so often life gives me a little taste to tease me.
I spent 42 years of my 50 years chasing my sister (she passed in 02), trying to live up to my parents expectations based on her and most days I think she's still doing better than me. She got off lucky, she never married, never had kids, had very little friends and just slipped away into the night.
I have to stay here and endure this torture everyday because a handful of loved ones would be hurt if I was gone.
Besides ptsd I have a laundry list and one is a specific phobia of blood, doctors and the like. It's no simple thing, I found a loophole in my own madness and Wednesday I'm going for the first total blood work I've had since August 1981. (the loophole is they are going to take the blood from the back of my leg)
On the 17th I have my first 100% physical since 1981, I'm torn between whether to be afraid they'll find something bad or they wont. I'm always so alone, though I'm rarely physically alone. Is this what it's all for, to be a prisoner? Or is this really hell?
Why are there no answers? What did I do to deserve this? I didn't ask to be born, my real mother didn't want me so she gave me up (probably because I was sickly), I've been defective for 50 years stumbling around in the dark...where is the light. God tells me he is the light, why wont he shine some on me?
It was very helpful for me and hopefully it may be for you too.I would encourage you to read it.
It sounds like you don't really know what your birth mum's situation was.She may not have even known you were sickly.She may not have had a choice as so many mums didn't, especially in our era .Do you have any real information to go by?wondering
It's a funny parallel really ,as my brother was the popular one with adopted family in general and freinds.No matter what, I was never as smart,as talented or as popular.I didnt exactly chase him as you put it ,but it was hard to live up to.Funnily one of the first things i thought of when i found out i was adopted was that now i would have a family of my own who might just like me for me with no shadow of a brother to live up to.So maybe we can relate a bit with this?
I have suffered from anxiety attacks and grief and heartache finding out i was adopted by absolute surprise when i was 46.I should really say shock cause it was a huge one.I still look for the happiness,i have a family with 4 kids and i need to be positive for them and try hard to set them an example of how to handle bad things in life.I have failed miserably at times but thats what i want them to have,a good example.Hopefully i can give to others and help them feel happy which also helps me feel happy.Hope that doesnt sound too trite.When i was working for example i would get over my problems for the time being by being as nice as i could and thoughtful to people i encountereed at work.One job i was a vet receptionist and the next a dr's one.
please dont give up hope.Sometimes life deals us with so much crap.You have overcome so much already and life is very precious and should be lived as much as possible.
What do you really want to do?
find out and go do it.
We don't know what happened but it went bad...I did get my test today
Negative thinking really makes it worse. I'll bet if you consider the facts, there are actually many positive things in your life, and that you have many fine qualities, strengths or abilities. Even the wonderful things in nature and the many resources out there waiting to love and accept you where you are or to help you explore you past hurts and find meaning in them, or courage to move forward . . . That is what's important now, that you don't spend so much time revisiting the past and thus lose all the opportunities to grow and experience the present or have a better future.
If you seriously want to change your negative focus, I would suggest this self-help book: LEARNED OPTIMISM; HOW TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND YOUR LIFE, by Martin Seligman.
If you want to learn to love yourself, accept who you are and how you react or interact with the world, or learn to cope or adapt to challenges, you might read: THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, by Elaine N. Aron. (Or look at the vaious websites about HSPs.)