Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
My husband and I adopted our granddaughter because both of her parents are dysfunctional. Her mother (my daughter) is bipolar and has proven to be very neglectful when she had my granddaughter in her care. When visiting in our home, my daughter would lie around watching movies or play on the computer, to the point where my granddaughter would start crying because "mommy won't play with me." This would drive me into a frustrated rage and I would scold my daughter for her lack of focus on her daughter.We have cut off contact until she gets some treatment and/or medications to help her mood swings and her inappropriate behaviors as a mother. It has gotten so bad that my husband and I have cut off all visitation with our daughter until she gets some treatment and/or medications to help her mood swings and her inappropriate behaviors.
The father is an abusive alcoholic who has a history of physically bullying his girlfriends when he's drunk, to the point of the police being called and his being arrested twice in the last two years. He shows interest in my granddaughter very sporadically--typically a 2 hour visit twice a month. He moved away for a few months and now that hes's back, he wants to spend lots of time with grand. I know from past experience that this is temporary and as soon as he hooks up with a new girlfriend, his attention and interest in his daughter will quickly diminish.
Both parents live local to us. Both parents want contact with my granddaughter. She is 3 years old, knows both parents as mommy and daddy, but she also has lived with gramma and grampa since birth and we are her caregivers. Both of her parents say they love her but neither has done anything for this child--nothing financially, emotionally or in any other way.
My question is to the adoptees in particular: Is it best to keep my granddaughter away from her parents because they cause more damage and confusion when they're around? Or is it better to let her visit with them (supervised) in small doses so she can grow up knowing them and as she matures, understand why she's had so little contact with them? Part of me is scared that if we cut off all contact, she will resent us for withholding her from her parents as she grows up, even though we have valid reasons for doing this.
Which is worse: The knowing and being hurt and frustrated throughout her childhood, or the not knowing and growing up with no contact with her parents?
The father is an abusive alcoholic who has a history of physically bullying his girlfriends when he's drunk, to the point of the police being called and his being arrested twice in the last two years. He shows interest in my granddaughter very sporadically--typically a 2 hour visit twice a month. He moved away for a few months and now that hes's back, he wants to spend lots of time with grand. I know from past experience that this is temporary and as soon as he hooks up with a new girlfriend, his attention and interest in his daughter will quickly diminish.
Both parents live local to us. Both parents want contact with my granddaughter. She is 3 years old, knows both parents as mommy and daddy, but she also has lived with gramma and grampa since birth and we are her caregivers. Both of her parents say they love her but neither has done anything for this child--nothing financially, emotionally or in any other way.
My question is to the adoptees in particular: Is it best to keep my granddaughter away from her parents because they cause more damage and confusion when they're around? Or is it better to let her visit with them (supervised) in small doses so she can grow up knowing them and as she matures, understand why she's had so little contact with them? Part of me is scared that if we cut off all contact, she will resent us for withholding her from her parents as she grows up, even though we have valid reasons for doing this.
Which is worse: The knowing and being hurt and frustrated throughout her childhood, or the not knowing and growing up with no contact with her parents?
1) both cleanup their acts ( anger managment, rehab, meds what not)
2) all visits are supervised until things are deemed safe
3) they have to keep their visits unless its due to work legitamite work
4) if anything goes wrong including them not making a visit
or beating someone up or doing drugs or skipping meds then visits will stop
i know it will be hard to do anything however i agree with pinklily that your grand-daughter is #1 and i believe in the long run she will thank you for protecting her. keep us posted on how things go. i'll pray for you all including her parents.
Is she on SSDI? Does she have access to a therapist? Does she have the help of a case worker that can intervene and help her find solutions to her problems and keep things on track? They can be a godsend because then you don't have to be the "bad guy" all the time. These resources should be available to her. Bipolar depression can make everything seem so overwhelming to the person dealing with it. Is there a support group in your area for family of people who are dealing with it?
Lately, she claims she isn't bipolar (bullsh*t) but just a bit manic and suffering ADD. I've told her I don't care what label she hangs on it--all that matters is she is very self-destructive, self-indulgent and treats people like crap.
We're allowing her to come visit once a week for a few hours. That seems to be a comfortable compromise and doesn't leave my gd full of frustration or rage like when she was around every few days.
My gd tells me, "L is my mommy, you're gramma." I tell her, "that's right, sweetheart." But to be honest, it galls me. My daughter is nothing but a playdate for my gd. She brings nothing else to the table.
By all means help your daughter identify and utilize services, but she has to be responsible for her own life. Good luck and best wishes.
Because i don't belive a bond between mother and child can ever be broken I think you should allow visits.They must be safe.
And I agree with Pinklilly in what she has said so please read her post again.
he was not given custdoy, and my morther was granted temp custdoy of my daughter until am physicaly well. but i live w/my mom so i am w/my baby all the time.
however is not much differnt then your grand baby's dad. in fact he may be worse.
as for contact w/her parnets make on your terms and suppervised. she has the right to know who they r but they dont have the right to do what they have to her or u. nor should it be an in and out thing. if your in her life your in it, if not your not. so i would like to be your friend because am in need of a few good ones myself. and it sounds like u r to.