Adoption Support Group

Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.

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BuffyS 11/30/2009

History: My daughter and her ex are both very irresponsible, self-absorbed people. They signed away their rights and my husband and I adopted our grand a couple of months ago. My daughter lives locally and sees her daughter pretty regularly (at least once a week). The ex is an infrequent presence so he's not as big a part of my granddaughter's life.

Problem: My grand goes through phases where she pines for her mother. "I want to see mommy." "I want Lisa." "Where's my other mommy? I want her." Sometimes she gets very upset.

How do I explain to her that her mother can't see her all the time? It's partly because I can't stand being around her too much (she has bipolar and ADD tendencies and can really push my buttons). It's also partly because my daughter is 23 and wants to party and go shopping with her friends and all the other typical behaviors of a single woman in her early 20s.

It aggravates me no end to hear "I want Lisa. You're my gramma. I want my mommy." Her so-called mommy talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Her interest in her child is at her personal convenience i.e. if she has nothing better to do, she wants to come play with her daughter.] And of course, my grand wants her mommy. She spoils her and dotes on her when she's around because 3 hours here and there are easy. I do the 24/7 work and have to be the disciplinarian.

I want to tell her, "Your mother is a selfish brat who couldn't be bothered doing right by you." But I can't say that and never would. I figure one day my grand will be old enough to figure it out for herself, but in the meantime, this constant whining for her mom is aggravating.

Any advice? This is a 3 year old. My husband and I adore her. We have raised her since birth while her mother/my daughter floats in and out of her life depending on what's convenient for my daughter. What do I tell my grand? HELP.

deleted_user 12/01/2009

Please take the time to read the book "Primal Wound" I hope it will help you understand the bond between a mother and child...

Kahlua13 12/01/2009

I would be honest but tactful and basically tell her the "truth" that her mommy is simply not capable of being a good mommy. There will come a time when she is older and see things for herself, so you cannot "blast" your daughter to her or you will be the bad guy for a long time. As much as you want to protect her, you have to let her come to her own conclusions. But you have to honest and prepare her. It is not an easy situation to be in.

We took custody of my son when he was almost 4 out the foster care system. Took almost 2 1/2 years for our adoption to be final. Several things I told him: 1) You did nothing wrong. This was all about "them" not being able to properly take care of you. They were not taught, not prepared, and in my son's case, were drug addicts and alcoholics and suffered from depression. I wanted to make sure that he never blamed himself for their mistakes. 2) I was honest with him from day one. I told myself I would never lie, although I had to be very tactful/careful what I told him and how due to age factor.

Just keep doing what you are doing and keep loving her. Trust me, not now, not in the near future, but she will figure it all out on her own. When she does, she will be very upset and disappointed and you again will have to help her out.

Good luck!

zoey200823 12/02/2009

I know it might be easier said then done but be patient. maybe counseling for your grand might be a good thing. make sure as kahlua13 says she knows nothing is her fault. and according to age approriate dont hide anything from her. when her mother doesn't show up for a visit dont say she's working for example say i dont know why but next you can ask her. she does and will come ot her own conclusions i did but have found that my conclusions weren't the actual answer.

truststhelord 12/04/2009

I am not adopted but I was raised by a single mother while my father was pretty absent for most of my life. I remember being stood up by my father plenty of times...sitting looking out the window waiting for him for hours...crying that I just wanted a hug from my dad, etc. I think the best thing that my mother did was to never speak poorly of him until I was old enough to realize what was happening (which was like in high school). I think if my mom spoke poorly of my father I would have resented her or seen her as the reason why my dad wasn't around. I would be "tactful" and certainly not defend your daughter's actions, but you walk a fine line of resentment as well. Your actions are selfless for your grand at this point--your grand will see what a blessing you were one day.

BuffyS 12/04/2009

Thanks so much for your responses! I hear you all loud and clear: let my granddaughter continue to have a relationship with her mother, bite my tongue a lot, and when she's older she'll understand why we adopted her.

It's not enough to love her and raise her; I also have to pick up the pieces whenever her parents let her down. This has been my logic, and though it's been kind of miserable at times, being validated by people who have lived this makes it easier for me to accept.

deleted_user 12/11/2009

The number one thing to remember is, it's NOT about you. Resentment of your daughter, or jealosy that the child still wants her mommy after all you do for her is pointless.

BuffyS 12/11/2009

daveintexas: I know it's about my granddaughter. She has to come first, which is why we adopted her. I'm not jealous of my daughter, just brokenhearted that her child longs for a person incapable of reciprocating the devotion every child is entitled to. No matter how much affection we show her, there's a void in her heart. I just want to take away her pain.

deleted_user 12/12/2009

Buffy,

I would strongly suggest counseling for you and your young daughter. I'm sure there are child therapists that can help you all cope with this.
Also, If Lisa is a detrimental influence, I would consider cutting her off. I know this sounds harsh, but think about your young daughter; what damage is Lisa causing everytime she decides to flit in and play mommy? All the heartache she's causing to you and the child.
Seek counseling and help. It sounds like Lisa's presence is doing more harm than good. What your young daughter needs most, and you already know this I'm sure, is stability and consistency. Lisa cannot help or mother anyone until she learns to be an adult. Sometimes tough love is the only way they learn this.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Karen

deleted_user 12/14/2009

Sorry Buffy, I meet other foster and adoptive parents and too often hear resentment that the child doesn't "appreciate" what's been done for them or that they don't love the parent back. Talk to CPS about post adoption services and counseling. Play therapy actually does help, even a three year old. I would ask the therapist if the lack of stable contact with ehr mom is healthy. The most important thing is a stable home and reliable routine. That will help her feel safe and loved. Good Luck.

deleted_user 12/23/2009

i'm a birth mother and a single mother. maybe refuring your daughter as the birth mom can help a little explain that she is addopted. I heard it helps some and try not to sugar coat thing when your daughter dosn't come to see your grand, its a very sad situation. i truly wish i could help you but my son is only just begining to look for his father. so my advice is very limited. so i hope this helps some.

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