I do not think you should try to find him. It is her child and she should decide if she wants to find him or not. My birthmothers sister tried to find me a few years before I found my birth mom and she was really mad that her sister had done that.

I agree with MomofTwo and I don't... your in a tough spot because of the Alzhemiers... my first question is why didn't she look years ago when he turned of age or any subsequent years?

I don't think she has the right to look for him because she isn't even a relative of the birth moms. I would have been very upset if a friend of my birth moms contacted me.

To answer Chris333: after she gave the baby up she eventually remarried a guy who was in the Navy and lived in Spain, FL...and I forget where else...that marriage ended and she had two little girls to raise and not much money. The adoption agency wants $400. for a search and she never really had the money to do it. Then she married her current husband about 20 years ago and told him but not his family. I should probably mention that she came from Germany in the late 50s as an Army wife and has no family here at all, so I'm the only "family" she has other than her husband & daughters.

Even though you consider yourself family that child may not. If you persue this you should proceed with caution. I know she can't always remember things but have you asked her how she would feel about this. If she doesn't want his family to know then they don't have to know.

Oh I so agree with the caution part WHOLEHEARTEDLY - I'm just thinking how I would feel...would I want to know my birth mother while there was still time to get questions answered... would I want to know I have siblings... would it upset me personally that someone other than her came to me first...

Lenox - for about 10 years now we've had the internet... resources even just a few years back were mainly free until it was figured out they could be monopolized on, I'm guessing as her closest friend you were the person she confided in the most so you saying she didn't have the cash ok I get but cash wasn't a necessiaty... I mean go back into the 80's & 90's when this was the rage of talkshows... I'm soncerned about the fact that it's a 'secret' from husbands family too... means there's shame there... why? And why was the shame more important all those years?

I guess what I'm really trying to point out here is have you asked yourself ALL the questions? Have you weighed the pros and cons. I know what your trying to do here is what you feel is in her best interst and I commend you for that but I can't get past the asking why when she was capable of making the decision herself did she not feel it was what was best?

You're right, I guess she's the only one who can answer those questions! They don't have a computer, she doesn't know how to use one. About 10 years ago she asked me to go to the adoption agency and try to find out how to search for him. She still speaks with a heavy German accent and is afraid people can't understand her. I did that, and told her what they told me, that she would have to do the paper work and pay the money before they could start anything but she never followed through. She has the money now but I think the main thing that is holding her back is the fear of rejection and of course I can't predict what may happen. The birth father is dead, he was killed in a car crash shortly after the baby was born. I knew him, we went to the same school but he was a few years behind me. His brother was in my class. I don't understand her sometimes either....if it were me, I wouldn't let anything stop me from searching, I wouldn't care who knew but I can't seem to get her to wrap her head around that! Every year on his Birthday her BP goes sky high and she's a basket case. I soooo would like to help her!!! I plan to see her next week, if she mentions him again, I'll try to talk to her about it. The story is too complicated to explain here but she was between a rock and a hard place, it was impossible for her to keep him, yet she wanted to and has never been able to forgive herself.

My first thought was to help your friend find her birthson - but after reading the post from the adoptees I would say Don't Do It!

The birth son who is now 45 years old should not have his life interupted. Do we know that his adopted parents told him he is adopted? Back during the time he was born, people didn't usually tell their children that they were adopted.

I don't know, just trying to add some input.

You have a good point! My son is 40 and we started telling him he was adopted when he was 2 years old but my brother & wife adopted a baby boy a few years after and didn't tell him, he found out from someone else after he started school. So, people have different idea's!

I say, do your best to find him. One day when she is gone you might wish you had tried. Or, maybe he might come looking for her only to find out he is too late. Do what you can. God Bless you.

Hi,
I found out I was adopted in 1961.I wish I didn't know.
Why cause the boy pain to find his mum only to loose her to an illness which is out of his control.His sisters may one day want to contact him and I think it would be better if they did it one day.You are a wonderful friend but it may really backfire on you for so many reasons.Good luck