Adoption Support Group

Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.

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Rejection goes both ways

Kahlua13
Kahlua13
For those of you that know me, I am an Amom. This post is not about me or my son. In the process of adopting my son, a dear friend of mine opened up to me and said that she had given a baby girl up for adoption many years before. This discussion was maybe 7 years ago, and at that point, her daughter was over 18. This had eaten at her obviously for many years. (I thank those of you who have poured your hearts out here. It has helped me to understand better how she feels and what she must have gone through.) She told me some time ago that her Bdaughter sent her a letter requesting to see her and that if she did not respond, she would assume she did not want to meet. The screwy thing is, my friend desperately wants to meet her daughter but she did not respond. She was afraid. It is a shame. She is such a nice person and has so much potential. But she is agoraphobic, is very much a loner and her self esteem is nil. I lived next door to her for many years and only about 9 years ago did we really become close. I want to shake her and say "Go back and find her." She says that she hopes her daughter will try to contact her again. But why would she? If she already felt rejected due to no response from my friend, her bmom. She is going to taket this as rejection. My friend is also afraid of rejection and is plain and simple just not a motivated person. But I truly believe that at this point, she has to take the next step and try to contact her bdaughter. She has so many problems but I just think that this has affected her so much all these years in a negative way. She doesn't regret giving her daughter up for adoption. She readily admits she would not have been a good mom. I love her. She is my friend. I just feel like she needs a push to take the next step. But maybe I should butt out. What do you think? Should I butt out? Or as her friend, should I push her (gently of course) to pursue finding her daughter? She is already so fragile and hurt, I would hate to see her get hurt worse. But I also think she needs to face this as she is prone to putting her head in the sand when things get difficult. This is kind of why she is in the situation she is in in the first place.
deleted_user
deleted_user
At this point all you can do is be there for her. Maybe tell her what you think in a gentle kind way. She sounds like she really wants to do this but she may just need a lot support!
deleted_user
deleted_user
As usual I agree with MomofTwoBees. Another thing you could do is direct her here - let her see other stories - maybe if she doesn't want to you can print some out for her and leaving them to look at in her own timeframe. She shouldn't have any fear here though, she doesn't ever have to even join the forum but can just read so hopefully she won't fear being 'trapped'.
Aust
Aust
Chris333 has a good thought. Would she come to your place and just look us over and see both sides herself after you explain your post on here to her first? Asking for thoughts for her as her friend.
Kahlua13
Kahlua13
Maybe, maybe not. I am afraid to bring it up with her (unless of course she brings it up first.) She has only discussed this with me a handful of times. But I just feel awful. She has nobody. Part of this is her own doing. And I am not saying that getting in touch with her daughter is going to change who she is or solve all of her problems. She has no family, no friends really but me. At least I can get her to come to my house for Christmas dinner. Otherwise, she really would have no one. She does not really make much of an effort with anyone or anything. Like I said, when things are difficult, she cannot face them unless pushed. I appreciate everyone's comments though. I will see if opportunity presents itself to bring up the topic again.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've seen so many replies to posts on here from you, you are a very smart lady. Only you know her, only you can judge her reaction to being pushed a bit. What does your heart say?

Honestly, I'm an upfront person (if ya didn't notice *grin*) and I would probably push some to get her to take action. From the bit you've written I do believe it very well could be one of the more major causes for her issues, we all have our own ways of not dealing with the things that we have guilt about some of us turn inward (which is what this sounds like) and do need the push to take the step forward towards healing. Course that's just me - and I have gotten myself in trouble in the past for being to blatently upfront. GL and I hope it works out for her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
36 years ago I gave up my son for adoption and he was only a few weeks old. I saw him once before he was taken away. I never tried to find him for fear of rejection, but he was always in my thoughts. I later married and had 3 more sons - divorced - remarried and have 3 stepdaughters and their families. My life had moved on and although my baby was not in it physically he was in my thoughts. Then out of the blue I received a phone call which was to change my life. My babies birth father called to say he had found our son and he wanted to meet me, for a split second I hesitated and then agreed. Then discovered that he had been adopted by an American couple who had been working in Australia at the time of his birth and that he was now an American citizen(I am an Australian and live in Australia) We spoke on the phone for over 2 hours, nervously of course and then a few weeks later he came here to meet me and his father - he stayed for a week and we talked and I was honest about the circumstances of his birth etc. and he left calling me Mum. He has wonderful parents who brought him up to be a wonderful man and I am so grateful for that. In August my husband and I are visiting him in southern California for 3 weeks and I will meet his wife and my grandchildren - we have known each other now for 12 months. Having him in my life has lifted some of the sadness of losing my youngest son in an accident 4 years ago. The world moves in mysterious ways. Take a chance you'll never know otherwise.