Adoption Support Group

Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.

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Kinship care problems

Abp
Abp

I feel like a horrible person saying this but I'm having a really hard time with kinship care. I am fostering to adopt 2 of my nieces. Last time I saw them they were babies. Now they are 11 and 12. So I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. We had a full report on the 11 year old stating everything that has ever happened with her and her behavioral problems. We have seen nothing but improvements from her. The 12 year old we had barely any information on but was told she was a wonderful young girl. She's the one I have had a hard time with. We were told it was because of transition but she's been in our house a while now. We are planning to adopt in September but I am pulling my hair out because of her. She has bad hygenie, refuses to wash herself hair or brush her teeth. Won't pick up after herself even with an incentive or punishment (we have tried both) clingy to the point where I have locked myself in the car and she stood at my window for over a half hour. Space means nothing to her. She is in intense counseling but nothing has changed. I'm crying as I wrote this because I have my 2 bio children who I feel are getting pushed aside because of everything i have to go through with her. I have to leave just to be able to get away from her for 5 minutes. I try to give her attention but I now I have aniexty when I wake up because I know she is going.to be outside my bedroom waiting for me to wake up. I know I sound crazy because of this but my husband has even talked to the counselors because he watches it first hand. I understand that she has been through a lot and needs that protection feeling but even with me making special time for her, gave her a journal we could write back and forth to eachother, and told her a million times a day that I'm not leaving she continues to follow me. Its impossible for me to get any housework done at this point or give the other 3 any attention. I had my boys sleep over their grandparents house one night so they both got attention from my husband and I and she got mad that they came back home the next day. I really don't know what to do. The counselor can't get her to engage with her, none of the coping skills she has helps. None of the incentives has helped. I just really don't want to end up losing it. I can't just send her back to fostercare she's family. Her sister is here and their parents parental rights have been terminated. I really just don't know what to do. 

Ilovejesus
Ilovejesus
Pray give it to God and give it time be firm tell you between 3-4 is her time with you give her set times spend one on one time you talk to her try encourage her into a youth group or girl guides
ddonkey
ddonkey
I am struggling with my situation too. I adopted my two nephews and niece and 2 out of the 3 are a handful. I am suffering with feelings of regret after adopting them. I never wanted or asked for it. My wife wanted this because she couldn’t turn her back on her family and I understand that but I didn’t do this for the right reasons so I am struggling. It’s to the point where I can’t even look at the 2 children. I feel like I am there and feed them and give them clothes and a house. Nothing we do changes then either. Hope your situation gets better.
JFoust
JFoust
Sorry you are going through this. If she’s 12 and acting like this, I doubt it will get better before it gets worse. You have to make the best decision for EVERYONE involved - for her, her sister, you, your husband and particularly your biological kids. You didn’t cause this situation and whatever you decide you shouldn’t feel guilty. It may be that this young girl shouldn’t be in your home.
fosterfirefighter
fosterfirefighter
Her hygiene is a result of past trauma. I have dealt with children with this issue before. It takes time and lots of patience. She doesn't trust you. Why should she? She has lost so much. I would look for another counselor. Be honest with her and ask her what she wants. She is probably afraid. If you do not feel equip to help her, then send her to fostercare. Do you want her sister or your children feeling abandoned because you have no time for them. You may not be able to help her. She may do best as an only child. This does not mean that you can't be apart of her life. It means that you can have peace and she can have the intense help that she needs. She will not change after you adopt her so don't believe that lie.