Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
It's been a while since I have been around in this group. I am an adoptive mom. My son is 16, almost 17. We have had custody of him since he was 4. Severe neglect and abuse situation. We were foster parents a little over 2 years until TPR and adoption. I know to a certain extent my son suffers from PTSD. He has also been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and Bipolar. To say the last 12+ years have been difficult is a HUGE understatement. He is also going through drug and alcohol treatment now.
We have been through all kinds of counseling since he has been here, both inpatient, and outpatient. We have been to the crisis center 10+ times. We know the majority of the county police officers, as they are here regularly. My son skips school. Just doesn't care about much of anything. He uses his past as an excuse. He refuses to talk about it with counselors. His pain is an excuse for drugs and alcohol.
At some point, for his own sake, he has to get to the point of acceptance. You know, bad things happen, pick yourself off and keep going. I don't know what to do for this kid anymore and to be honest, his future looks bleak. He is repeating 10th grade and is getting a "0." He has 2 parents that love him, a beautiful home, 3 loving dogs, a tv in his room, etc. How does he get to the point of acceptance and counting his blessings? When does he get to the point where he realizes that he controls his own future? He is not defined by the fact that he was adopted or any of the bad things that may have happened to him before? (VERY little documentation of the before.)
I am running out of time. HE is running out of time. Once he is 18, if he continues to smash up my house, steal from me, call me horrible things, threaten me, I am going to have to throw him out. Several social workers actually asked me today if I wanted to terminate the adoption and hand him back over to the state!!!!
All I can do is keep praying at this point.
We have been through all kinds of counseling since he has been here, both inpatient, and outpatient. We have been to the crisis center 10+ times. We know the majority of the county police officers, as they are here regularly. My son skips school. Just doesn't care about much of anything. He uses his past as an excuse. He refuses to talk about it with counselors. His pain is an excuse for drugs and alcohol.
At some point, for his own sake, he has to get to the point of acceptance. You know, bad things happen, pick yourself off and keep going. I don't know what to do for this kid anymore and to be honest, his future looks bleak. He is repeating 10th grade and is getting a "0." He has 2 parents that love him, a beautiful home, 3 loving dogs, a tv in his room, etc. How does he get to the point of acceptance and counting his blessings? When does he get to the point where he realizes that he controls his own future? He is not defined by the fact that he was adopted or any of the bad things that may have happened to him before? (VERY little documentation of the before.)
I am running out of time. HE is running out of time. Once he is 18, if he continues to smash up my house, steal from me, call me horrible things, threaten me, I am going to have to throw him out. Several social workers actually asked me today if I wanted to terminate the adoption and hand him back over to the state!!!!
All I can do is keep praying at this point.
I know that probably will not happen to you. But I do understand your pain. Let him know that you love him, no matter what, and that you are not going to accept the excuse of his past any more. That was what 12 years ago, and he was just 4. He might remember some of what happened, but not enough to cause this kind of behavior.
Almost 4 years ago we adopted he was 3 at the time. His mother an actual crack whore, the best thing that happened to him before we got him was when his mother moved in with a convicted child molester whose choice was infant boys. Within a year of having him, he had forgotten everything that had happened before we got him. When we first got him it was with the condition that mommy dearest could call and talk to him. We stopped her from talking to him after 5 calls, because as soon as he heard her voice he would start screaming and would scream at the top of his lungs for 5 or 6 hours. Then he would have nightmares all night. That is the kind of hell he went through, and within a year he had forgotten all of it within a year. He is now 7 and is still not able to talk completely, he learns new words every week, but a lot of the time it is still just gibberish, I imagine we will have to get him therapy when he gets older.
I'm sorry, I hate that you are going through this, I hate that your son experienced what he did. But, he should not be allowed to use it to act out, or any of the other things he is doing. He is old enough now that he should be responsible for his actions. He needs to learn there are consequences for his actions. I'm not saying your not doing any of these things, I'm not saying your doing anything wrong, because it sounds like you are doing everything right. I don't know how much more you can do.
My heart goes out to you, I hope you can get your son under control before it's too late.
My work, over the last 18 years, has been with groups of adopted youngsters and their parents. Through that work, I have had the privilege of gaining understanding of adopted youngsters point of view regarding growing up adopted, and their connection to their pre-adoptive past. I have also learned a great deal about the long-term effect of trauma on children. Love, commitment, and quality nurture from adoptive parents is not enough to repair the damage that trauma caused. (It is NOT about whether children remember what happened early in their lives before they adopted!!) Nor do love/ commitment/ great nurture make up for the losses adopted children endure.
The core questions for most, if not all adoptees is: Why did my original parents not love me ENOUGH to have fixed their problems well enough to have kept and raised me? Does that mean that they were damaged people whose genes I've inherited? Or that I am unloveable and un-keepable?
The fortunate adoptees are able to reach a level of understanding that none of this was anyone's fault, but instead, that their original parents had very difficult problems and life circumstances and did the best that they could. Also, that it was not THEIR fault-- that they ARE lovable and keepable-- but were left with a big hole in the heart. The VERY most fortunate grow up knowing their original parents, so that they have the love and support of BOTH sets of their very "real" parents.
If your son is in substance abuse/alcohol treatment, then he is dealing with addictions, in addition to mental health problems. Bipolar disease, alone, is horrific to live with. That is a HUGE part of who he is now. No one who starts to use drugs and alcohol says to themselves "I wish to become an addict." Many people, in fact, do this and do NOT become addicted and do not need treatment. Unfortunately, when there are addictions, there is nothing that you or anyone else can do. Your son needs to be amongst others who have "been there," and can offer him a path to recovery IF he wants that and is ready for that. Until them, there will be no acceptance, no changed behavior, no ability to talk reasonably with you or anyone else. In fact, the only person in a position to strive towards acceptance may very well be YOU.
Love him with all of your heart. Keep your commitment to him. However, I would urge you not to enable his behavioral acting out. Allowing him to come home so that he is in the same, familiar environment in which he used and drank, unless he really, really is on the path to recovery, would probably not be the best thing for him, and definitely not the best thing for you. It might be better for him to be placed in a residential treatment facility where he can continue to receive therapy, but also be locked in so that he cannot continue to use and drink. That does not mean that you have to, or should re-relinquish him to the State, and dissolve the adoption.
For your own mental health, I would urge you to find an Al-Anon group, or another 12-Step group such as Co-Anon (for parents, spouses, children of, or friends of a person with an addiction to drugs and usually alcohol, as well). You need to re-focus on you-- given that you cannot MAKE your son do anything, accept anything, change. HE knows that you love him. The rest, unfortunately at this point, has to be up to him. The sooner you both tell him AND show him that you realize you have absolutely NO control over the outcome of HIS life, the sooner he will be forced to accept responsibility for himself. He will probably have to learn the hard way-- he may end up without a diploma, in more trouble with the law, etc... Only at that point, if he really understands that you are not going to bail him out, pay for any more therapy, treatment programs, etc... will he help himself. And it may take years for him to really grasp that and be ready and wanting to recover.