Hink please promise me you will seek counsleing, man I know how bad this hurts but you were put here for a reason! Who knows what that reason is but seek it out! I hope life gets better man and I will keep you in my prayers, promise me u will seek counsleing please, or just hit me up on here i will be more and glad to talk anytime. Take care and God bless you!

Hink, Depression can be difficult to live with. Please seek out someone who can help you cope with it's affects on your life.

And while you are doing the great advice from dave and david, grab a book. They can be helpful, adoption healing, the primal wound, birthright. But please know there is a very good chance your mother was highly pressured into surrendering. we were told it would be so much better for the baby. God bless you as you work through all this.

Post traumatic stress disorder needs to be helped by professionals and you need to find someone good who really helps you
not all pyscologists are good
find one who understands you

being adopted you would realise how much your two kids need you
even if they are older teenagers or in early 20's everyone wants a good relationship with their bio parents
think of how you can foster this in a positive way for them
they didnt ask for you to be adopted or have ptsd
what i am saying is change your focus to something achievable
something outside yourself

and to refer to another message if you know for a fact that your birth mum just rejected you well then that is fair enough but i have never spoken to by internet or in person any birth mother who wanted to leave their child

babies were stolen from them in certain cases
their families abandoned mothers in other countries to Sort out their little problems
some of their families didnt speak to them for years even though they had adopted out heir babies as they were told
they live with the guilt of being pressured by their families and society all their lives and never get over it

so it is very possible for many reasons especially as you are now 50 that your mum lived in a very anti single mum society and had no choice to adopt her baby
she could be out there suffering and missing you every day of her life
she may have thought of contacting you but was too scared because she might think you would hate her
there are so many diferent reasons why these mums had to give up their babies and many diferent issues that are never resolved
would you feel the same way if you knew the truth of your circumstances? would it help to know she really loved you but was forced into it and believ me they had no choice no support

just asking questions there ...maybe something to think about??

and when you are feeling down i would try to reach out to others
cause you never know what other people are going through
i used to do this at work when i was very very bad and concentrating on others is good for you also

a hello here ,a smile there ,you never know what it might mean to someone

getting your feelings out is healthy. ridding yourself of ultimately poisonous feelings like this is also healthy.

i have definitely benefited from ongoing sessions with an analyst to help me with feelings of abandonment and ptsd from ongoing childhood abuse.

life does not have to be like this for you. don't blow off all the good wishes you are receiving here.

the road you are on is lonely and horrid. i have bp1 and have been on it.

seek a different road. find help. and let it in.

xoxoxo, beep.

I have been hospitalised over 15 times, loosing my child was the worst trauma I had ever been through. And it wasn't just not being accepted if I kept, there was tons of torture to make sure they could sell a baby. read about the baby scoup era. A psychoanalyst helped me greatly and there are a handful that understand how to work with adoption trauma.