Adoption Support Group

Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.

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Feelings of regret

ddonkey
ddonkey

My wife and I got married. 2 months later we received a phone call from DCFS asking if we knew who three children were...long story short, we took them in, fostered them and recently adopted them. I can’t help but have feelings of regret. I felt like my life was interrupted. I felt like i had to do the right thing even though I didn’t want to do it. I get to the point where I am aggravated constantly with the two older ones. I have a bond with the youngest and I feel bad wishing we only had him. I adopted for the wrong reasons and that’s really putting a strain on my health and my marriage. I can’t get out the funk. Anyone have any advice? I only did this because it was what my wife wanted. I felt like it would make her happy. I try to tell myself everything is great and make the best out of special moments but I always end up back in the same head space full of regret. 

fosterfirefighter
fosterfirefighter
Express your feeling to your wife and seek family counseling. You need to find out why you are feeling regret. It is because you feeling unprepared to parent or simply have not connect with the children.
JFoust
JFoust
Your life was interrupted. Stop telling yourself everything is great when it isn’t. You are allowed to regret it. Stop beating yourself up for that. You can’t change how you feel. The whys and who did it for whom is immaterial at this point. You have committed to these children and you can’t change that. You can control how you behave to these children. That you must do. Get yourself a counselor - be it priest etc or therapist. .
The25r
The25r
Our situation is similar, only that I'm having an easier time adjusting to three new kids and my wife is struggling with aggravation, a lack of connection, and feelings of regret. As a partner, I'm okay with her feeling that--it's incredibly tough. My biggest fear isn't that she feels regret, but that she'll stop sharing and talking with me. I hope there is space in the relationship so that you can bring up the struggles and share what you're feeling. If not, I'd work on that before trying to change feelings about the kids.
JaxP
JaxP
Unfortunately, you should never completely throw your feelings aside. It causes issues like what you are going through now. My best advice is to talk with your wife and let her know where you stand emotionally and mentally. Try to create some type of activities or mini-vacation for yourself once a month to have that alone time.

It is easy to get frustrated and angry. When I am facing a conflict with a person I try to remind myself that there is a reason why this person reacts this way. Everyone has a past and it interprets how many people perceive the world. This being said it is not those childrens fault that there biological parents are not there, that they needed to be adopted. You chose to adopt with your wife instead of speaking your piece and is it really fare to take it out on the children? Imagine having no parents, going to live in a strange house and those children can feel your dismay. They may blame themselves when they were innocent children who did nothing wrong. You did not either but you are more responsible for this then them because you are the adult. When you start getting frustrated with the children take a deep breath and remember this is noones fault it is the way it is.