Soo, your husband is there birth father? All 5 of them? or just 4 of them? Am I following this right? It's a shame kids get put through so much anguish. The one that wants her name to match...perhaps the bio mom would agree to signing off on a legal name change. That's if you need her signature, which I'm guessing you do. Sorry things didn't work out as you planned.

confusing i know...my husband is only the biological father of only ONE child, my stepdaughter, who lives with us full time. then we have full guardianship of bio moms other daughter whose bio father is deceased and shes also with us full time. at that time bio mom signed for my husband to take her other daughter so she would not have to stay in foster care, which is how shes come to be a part of our family. because she is the half sister of my step daughter the state says she technically lives with family and we are unable to get any financial support from the state and bio mom does not provide support as she is supposed to. but the court just turns a blind eye as long as someone is taking care of the children. bio moms oldest son lives with his paternal grandparent and the children only get to see each other when she gets them for a visit which has been rare. and he has a lot of issues himself as do our girls who have emotional problems which I cant blame any of them after what they've been through.
she is actually asking for less time with the girls, she wants to give up 12 visits a year and we cant force her to come for them. I just don't understand why the court allows a person to do this to their children. she obviously wants no parental responsibility, that has been evident. she was able to abandon 3 of her children 200 miles away and start over with another baby last year and a fifth due in a few months. a 10,8, and 6 year old have been left to deal with the damage she left for them here. (8 and 6 yo are with us) apparently the older they get the less she wants to do with them. I almost wonder if she just likes the attention she gets from having babies and of course she doesn't work so the state supports her and the babies.
i just cant take this back and forth and i find myself distancing myself from my husband and the girls after all of this.

so a quick recap because that may have been confusing...my husband is only father of one child. we just have taken in bio moms other daughter so the girls would not be split up because they were already split up from their older brother. now bio mom has a baby and is due with baby 5 in a few months, so she only will have 2 of her 5 kids in her custody. which if the state wont give her 3 of her kids i don't see how she can keep these other two. and the girls have been with us full time for going on 3 years.

Most of us join a support group so as to find others who are like-minded and will provide empathy, assurance that we are thinking correctly, and hope. I am glad that you are receiving that, here. Sometimes, however, what we want, and what we need are somewhat different things. I am going to offer some things to think about, and hope that you will receive them because you understand that my intent is to help you, and not just offer comfort. I am, though, very sorry that you are feeling so much distress over the situation that you are in.

There is much that is out of your control in this situation, but there are SOME things that are within your control-- and focusing on those will both help you to feel better, and help the girls. As an adoption therapist (also an adoptive parent-- of nine), I would encourage you to focus on what the girls need-- and what only you, as their 2nd mother/ step mother, can provide. That means seeing this situation from their point of view. Not only in the Here and Now. But how they WILL see this when they are adults, and looking at it in the rearview mirror. When we do that, as adoptive parents or foster parents or step-parents, we always do the best for ourselves, too, even though it may not feel that way In-the-Moment.

THE most important thing to the girls, is that you have a tremendous commitment to love them and parent them unconditionally, regardless of WHAT their mother does, will do in the future, or what their family-status is, or what their legal status is (with regards to their mother). Carrying around anger, resentment, stress because an adoption cannot happen due to their mother's decision, is only a distraction-- as you revealed in your story, when you mentioned that you feel yourself distancing, emotionally, from your husband and the girls. That is the LAST thing that they GIRLS need for you to be doing! The best way TO love them is to picture yourself as their anchor, AND to love their father. To make the decision-- and it IS a decision, even if it feels as though it is something you cannot control (feelings- wise)-- to let the rest go, for now. To detach, emotionally, from that which you have no control over.

It may help to know that even if you were able to adopt the girls, one of the most fundamentally important jobs you would owe the girls, would be to help them understand, accept, and love their first mother, regardless of her very poor behavioral choices. Why? Because no matter what, she is a part of them-- both she and their father have given them their genetic inheritance. Who they are, and who they become, has come from them, in part, and from who else touches their lives, as Part Two. If and when adoptive parents (foster parents, step-parents) tear down their connection to one or both of their original parents, it is as though they are devaluing the children themselves and condemning them to a horrific future (as teens and adults).

All children, ESPECIALLY adopted children or children living apart from one or both of their genetic parents-- model themselves after those genetic parents, as well as with the parents they are living with, REGARDLESS of their legal status. They fear that their original parents' behavior is a script for who THEY will be and how they will behave-- no matter WHAT anyone else says to or about them. So finding ways to characterize their mother in positive ways is a MUST-DO thing for you to weave into your parenting. You cannot do that and have any credibility, if you are harboring anger and resentment towards her, talking about her with others, and focusing only on your own feelings rather than keeping the girls feelings and needs as your Number One priority.

Money is the last thing that you should be talking about-- especially in front of the children, but also with others (for this will, eventually, come around like a boomerang WITH the children). Keep your focus on the fact that you married your husband knowing that he had children, and with a willingness to "be there," for those children-- and not conditionally (as in, only if their mother, or the State, paid child support). THAT is what the girls need to hear you saying to others, as well as to them.

Regardless of whether and why the girls' mother visits, what the girls need to know is that you support this, even if their mother is behaving badly, and what she is doing (having more children, perhaps raising those children) hurts and embarrasses the girls. They still crave her love, even if they are ashamed of her, and feel rejected by her-- for she will always be their mother, even though you, too, are their mother (and the one that they love and feel proud of and wish to be like).

Since your daughter must keep the last name she has now, your job is to help her feel OK about that, and know that someday SHE will get to choose, instead of the Courts. Help her to know that how she feels about it is the same as many youngsters whose parents have divorced, when their mom takes back her original name, or remarries-- making their last name different from their mom's. Acknowledge her feelings as being normal and understandable. But help her to know that their are other kids dealing with the same issue, so that she understands that everyone at school is NOT focusing on the name difference between her and the rest of the family she lives with.

With the daughter who also lives apart from her genetic FATHER, you need to help her come to terms with her feelings about herself as the genetic product OF that father. Sometimes, as adoptive/foster/step parents, we focus exclusively on the mother-child relationship, and don't get around to also focusing on the FATHER-child relationship and genetic inheritance.

Please know that things change MIGHTILY for kids, once they reach adolescence. Also, that while they are busy living the confusing state of things, they are not analyzing what is going on, or able to put that into words (for themselves or to you). What you do now, during the time that the girls are growing up, will be analyzed in terms of how it affects how they value/devalue themselves, and how they weave it into their personal identity-- when they are adults. For now, their primary concern will be proving their loyalty and love to you, so as to make sure that you see them as lovable and keepable. Therefore, any emotional distancing from them is scary, confusing, and worrisome-- something that you MUST recognize and put behind you. If you are unable to do that on your own, it is absolutely imperative that you find a therapist who can help you. For the sake of the girls. For the sake of your relationship with the girls, and your husband. That cannot continue, or it will destroy the relationships, and will only make you bitter and unhappy-- something you don't deserve, either.

Good luck!

As an older adoptee looking back to the connections between my current personality challenges and the adoptive environment I grew up in, I can't stress how correct Jane Browns comment is. It is so hard to let go of blaming someone or something for situations we have no control over because if we can attach blame, there is a false perception that it can be fixed. Trust me, I have been there! I would never want your daughters to feel the way I have for over 40 years, I want them to feel valued and validated through the feelings they will encounter for the rest of their lives and you get the privilege of giving them that foundation! You have taken on a lot in this relationship you choose with your husband and I want to applaud you for making this commitment that most people can't or won't do. Please read these comments with an open heart and know you have the courage and strength to be a happy family!

Thank you everyone for you comments. And I must express that I do not talk badly about the bio mom in front of the children and when they ask questions about where she is we try to explain that none of it is their fault. We just went to court today and the court was not very pleased, for one she didn't even show up. But her lack of visitations has now forced the court to decrease her visitations to 12 days a year and took away her alternating holidays because she has not exercised them. I was astonished that they even did that. She has not tried contacting the children in a month and a half and she at the very least usually calls. So once again she has disappeared and we have no idea where she is at. We're keeping the kids as busy as we can.

I know I have a lot of my own emotions about this situation to deal with and I never let the kids see how frustrated I am about it. I continue to send the bio mom pictures of the kids to the last address we have for her. She might want to do the adoption now as we were agreeing to more visits with the kids than what the court has now given her but who knows. I guess we will see if she comes for these visits now and take it from there.