Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
Two years ago CPS brought our beautiful 2 1/2 yo niece to us for Kinship care while my brother and her mother tried to straighten up their lives. They were not able to stop doing drugs and we have now adopted her.
She was born with meth in her system and was a CPS case from the time she was born. During three previous placements, the parents threatened and were aggressive with care givers and they all couldn't handle the stress.
My husband and I were also tried over and over with aggressive parents who threatened many things over time and we eventually broke off all communications and only connected via CPS. Their parental rights were relinquished and we adopted. Our little girl is now 4 1/2 and learning to read and write. She knows how to write her name and knows her new adoptive name. The biologicals continue to send packages to our house with her previous last name as gifts for her. It's as though they want to remind her of them (abusive drug addicts) and who she "really is".
How do we deal with this? She has been through so much already and is so well adapted here. She has a few chopping mechanisms that are residual and we notice they get more active when she talks about her parents or connections that remind her of them.
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
Do you really think it's helpful for this child to have her roots totally erased? She WILL ask questions as she gets older. Unless you plan to never tell her she was adopted – which presents its own problems. It is her life story. Her truth (good or bad) and her medical history – including a predisposition to addiction. Keeping it from her puts her in jeopardy. She has a right to know and may be very resentful if it's all kept from her.
I suggest you join some adoption groups on facebook and read some books written by adoptees to see how they feel. They often say they understand that their adoptive parents loved them and tried to protect them, but they also feel betrayed, lied to and MANY adoptees express feeling like THEY are dirty secrets because they know as soon as they learn biology that they are genetically connected to others and if those others are treated as a dirty secrets, they feel they are too.
It's a lot, I know. You may want to get help from a professional in the field of adoption. It’s important to recognize and separate your fears of losing this child to your brother and he mother. It’s a natural fear that impacts all adoptive parents.
To be clear, she is my DAUGHTER and no longer my niece.
I am not connected to her biological parents at all. If I had been a regular foster, they would not know where I live or my name. They gave up their rights, the end.
This post was not asking about if we should connect with her biological or not. That's completely out of the question. As her parents, we will talk about things as they come up at age appropriate times. To answer your question about her roots being ripped away... yes, I do. However. I am a very big part of her old withered roots and her new, healthy, thriving roots. We have a lot of her history which is the positive side for her.
So my post here was about the situation of receiving items in her previous name. When she hears/reads her previous last name, she starts to pull out her hair. We have been in therapy to help her deal with her coping mechanisms from her abusive history, but again, not what this post was requesting advise for.
I see that you were not able to give any advice on how we should handle the situation that I posted about, but thank you for taking the time to write and give other advice. I'm sure that it comes from a very good place.
Your daughter was your niece before she became you daughter and biologically still is. That is a reality. You don't need to be so defensive and insecure about your role. She has a mother and a father and had a name.
No one can get too much love! If her birthparents are able and want to show love to their child and reduce feelings of rejection - that's a good thing and a SECURE adopter would welcome it! Why deprive her of that??? No one can have too much love. It's not a battle, a competition or a contest. Don’t make it into one. Open adoptions have been proven healthier for adoptees. Don’t you want what’s best for your daughter? She should not be made to feel she OWES you loyalty and has to reject them in order to have your love. (Often parents in divorce do that their children and it's WRONG and unhealthy.) She should be allowed to embrace ALL those who love and care about her. That is what makes for a healthy child. They are now like a loving aunt and uncle...or grandparents. There's no need to protect her from people who are ABLE to buy gifts!
I cannot tell you how many adoptees I hear from who find out later in life that one or both of their birthparents sent gifts they were never told about and how angry it makes them that they were never told - but instead spent their lives feeling rejected and unwanted. No matter how much you love her (and no matter how badly you speak about birthparents) she will still feel rejected by them. The truth has a way of always coming out - especially today with DNA testing.
I cannot tell you how many adoptees I hear from who find out later in life that one or both of their birthparents sent gifts they were never told about and how angry it makes them that they were never told - but instead spent their lives feeling rejected and unwanted. No matter how much you love her (and no matter how badly you speak about birthparents) she will still feel rejected by them. The truth has a way of always coming out - especially today with DNA testing.
Again, sorry it’s not what you want to hear.
You are not telling me things that I don't want to hear. However, you have not really paid attention to anything that I have shared. We have zero intentions of not letting her know that she's adopted, she understands that today. I don't know why I am compelled to even tell you that because again, this entire topic that you keep ranting on about that does not apply to our situation is not what this post is about.
Thanks again for the unsolicited advice. I appreciate your need to try to help.
They will send you an email with what letters and what packages are expected to arrive. (Not including, amazon, FedEx or UPS)
Purchase a lockbox for packages carriers will deposit them and close the lid, don't let her have access to the key.
If that fails have a nosey neighbor pick up packages for you. Maybe they are willing to keep the offending packages for themselves. And you have plausibly deniablity why she isn't getting bio packages