Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
Hi, I started reading the thread "Letting my 'birthmom go", and I wanted to add in the point of view of a adoptive parents, in a way that would add to the thread in a positive way. But my emotions got the best of me, and I ended up rambling, and I realized that what I had typed up, would not be constructive, and would probably actuality be offensive to the thread. Not because I said anything offensive, but because of my ramblings, not having a clear objective to my post, which I had to start with, but somehow lost it, and can't remember what it was. At least I don't think I said anything offensive, if I did please forgive me, I was emotional and did not realize just how I worded that comment. I have reread it and I still don't see anything. So why am I posting this in a new thread, I feel I need to share these feelings with someone, since they apparently still have such an impact on me. In the post, that I'm going to cut and paste below, I talk about my older two boys, they are 30 and 27, but I still have another adopted son that is 7, and I will have to go through all of this again with him. If anyone has any advice, or just something to say, please share with me. Now below this line is what was going into the other thread.
Let me throw my opinion in on this. I am an adoptive parent. I now have three adopted kids. Well actually I have two step-kids I adopted, and then we adopted another child. I love my kids as much as I could love a bio child. There is no difference between my kids and a bio kid. Now with the older two I had to deal with the bio sperm donor, I call him that because he was not a father. I did feel jealousy toward him because of his blood connection to the kids. After my wife and I were engaged, just before the wedding the kids told their father that he was not their Dad anymore I was. But, yet there were times that they would get so excited about his weekend, or got so upset when he once again told them he had more important things to do than pick them up. Every time he did that it broke my heart, and I had to struggle not to cry so I could make them feel better. Despite all of this, I was jealous of him. But, at the same time I encouraged them to spend time with him. I hated it when they did spend time with him, it hurt my feelings, and made me feel like a failure as a parent, because if I was good enough they would not want to spend time with him, especially the way he treated them.
Their bio dad had another son from another woman, the other son lived with hm, yet he had more important things to do than spend time with my two boys. When the oldest boy got old enough to drive the father had an old car with a blown motor sitting beside his house, Brandon asked if he could buy the car, and he would get the motor fixed himself. Actually I was going to rebuild it with him. Father said no, you will never own that car, he then took the car and had a new motor put in it, and gave it to the other son, who still had 5 years before he could get his license. For Christmas he would spend about $50 on my two boys, and around $500 on the other boy. It broke my heart to see how he treated the boys differently. Yet my boys still wanted to spend time with him, I never could understand why, or why I could not do enough to completely be their dad. If I could only do enough, do the right thing, then they would love me enough that they did not need him. Even though I knew they loved me more than him, but it still wasn't enough.
Throughout all of this i encouraged them to spend time with him, after all he was their bio. So how could I want them to spend time with him, and not spend time with him, at the same time? I wanted what was best for them, whatever that was. Even if it meant them spending time with him.
I imagine that your adoptive parents feel the same way about you spending time with your bio. They love you so much that they want you to do whatever is best for you, even if it means that it breaks their heart. They will be there waiting for you no matter what. Your adoptive parents will never leave your side, they will always your back, no matter what. I think you probably already know all of this, but I feel like I need to say it.
I don't know about the bio parents, I have no experience in that field, so I'm not even going to attempt to pretend to know what things are like for them. I also have no experience being the adopted child, so I'm not going to try and guess how you feel about things. However, you stated how you hated a lot of things about your bio mom, I know that I am in no position to tell you anything about what you might/should do, and I'm not the type to try and tell someone what to do, when I have no business doing so. But if there is so much about her that you hate, why put yourself in a position to get hurt? I never could figure that out with my boys but I didn't try to stop them from going over there and getting hurt, and I always felt guilty about that.
You said that even though you love your adoptive parents, it just doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel like the way they are your real parents. I guess I can understand that, if you know they aren't your real parents then how can you feel that they are. But, I bet your adoptive parents, do feel that you are their bio children.
To be honest right now I don't know where I am going with this. When I started this I had a clear objective, but once I started I lost track of what I had in mind. I guess trying to put all those old feelings into words the feelings were more confusing than I thought they were. I didn't realize that after all the years it has been since the boys finally cut all ties with their bio, these feelings still hurt this bad. I haven't shed tears over this situation for many years, but right now I'm having trouble seeing the screen.
I started to post this in another thread, because to start with I had a plan to make my post fit in and accentuate that thread, but after getting it typed up, I decided that it would actually be offensive to that thread, and I am not going to do that to anyone. If I know this probably does not make any sense because of my ramblings. If I know that this was not appropriate for the other thread, why am I posting it in a new thread? Because I need to share these feelings with someone else, after all that is why we are here, to get support right?
Let me throw my opinion in on this. I am an adoptive parent. I now have three adopted kids. Well actually I have two step-kids I adopted, and then we adopted another child. I love my kids as much as I could love a bio child. There is no difference between my kids and a bio kid. Now with the older two I had to deal with the bio sperm donor, I call him that because he was not a father. I did feel jealousy toward him because of his blood connection to the kids. After my wife and I were engaged, just before the wedding the kids told their father that he was not their Dad anymore I was. But, yet there were times that they would get so excited about his weekend, or got so upset when he once again told them he had more important things to do than pick them up. Every time he did that it broke my heart, and I had to struggle not to cry so I could make them feel better. Despite all of this, I was jealous of him. But, at the same time I encouraged them to spend time with him. I hated it when they did spend time with him, it hurt my feelings, and made me feel like a failure as a parent, because if I was good enough they would not want to spend time with him, especially the way he treated them.
Their bio dad had another son from another woman, the other son lived with hm, yet he had more important things to do than spend time with my two boys. When the oldest boy got old enough to drive the father had an old car with a blown motor sitting beside his house, Brandon asked if he could buy the car, and he would get the motor fixed himself. Actually I was going to rebuild it with him. Father said no, you will never own that car, he then took the car and had a new motor put in it, and gave it to the other son, who still had 5 years before he could get his license. For Christmas he would spend about $50 on my two boys, and around $500 on the other boy. It broke my heart to see how he treated the boys differently. Yet my boys still wanted to spend time with him, I never could understand why, or why I could not do enough to completely be their dad. If I could only do enough, do the right thing, then they would love me enough that they did not need him. Even though I knew they loved me more than him, but it still wasn't enough.
Throughout all of this i encouraged them to spend time with him, after all he was their bio. So how could I want them to spend time with him, and not spend time with him, at the same time? I wanted what was best for them, whatever that was. Even if it meant them spending time with him.
I imagine that your adoptive parents feel the same way about you spending time with your bio. They love you so much that they want you to do whatever is best for you, even if it means that it breaks their heart. They will be there waiting for you no matter what. Your adoptive parents will never leave your side, they will always your back, no matter what. I think you probably already know all of this, but I feel like I need to say it.
I don't know about the bio parents, I have no experience in that field, so I'm not even going to attempt to pretend to know what things are like for them. I also have no experience being the adopted child, so I'm not going to try and guess how you feel about things. However, you stated how you hated a lot of things about your bio mom, I know that I am in no position to tell you anything about what you might/should do, and I'm not the type to try and tell someone what to do, when I have no business doing so. But if there is so much about her that you hate, why put yourself in a position to get hurt? I never could figure that out with my boys but I didn't try to stop them from going over there and getting hurt, and I always felt guilty about that.
You said that even though you love your adoptive parents, it just doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel like the way they are your real parents. I guess I can understand that, if you know they aren't your real parents then how can you feel that they are. But, I bet your adoptive parents, do feel that you are their bio children.
To be honest right now I don't know where I am going with this. When I started this I had a clear objective, but once I started I lost track of what I had in mind. I guess trying to put all those old feelings into words the feelings were more confusing than I thought they were. I didn't realize that after all the years it has been since the boys finally cut all ties with their bio, these feelings still hurt this bad. I haven't shed tears over this situation for many years, but right now I'm having trouble seeing the screen.
I started to post this in another thread, because to start with I had a plan to make my post fit in and accentuate that thread, but after getting it typed up, I decided that it would actually be offensive to that thread, and I am not going to do that to anyone. If I know this probably does not make any sense because of my ramblings. If I know that this was not appropriate for the other thread, why am I posting it in a new thread? Because I need to share these feelings with someone else, after all that is why we are here, to get support right?
deleted_user
I wasn't placed for adoption. I was raised by my father and his 2nd wife. She did not adopt us. I had contact with my mother here and there. Dad is currently married to wife number 3. Today I am 41 and a mother myself. Just want you know that I wish all of the adults mentioned above could have been 1/2 the person that you are . Or 1/2 the parent that you are :-)
rk4262
EMM18 Thank you so much, I really appreciate the kind words.
rk4262
Just realized I left this out. I said that I could not understand why the boys wanted to spend time with their bio, I did finally understand, one friday when he was supposed to pick them up at 5:00, he called at 4:45 and said he wasn't coming he had better things to do. I sat down on the couch between the boys with my arms around them, pulled them up close to me and held them while they cried, and kept asking me, "why doesn't he love me", "he loves BJ, why doesn't he love us", and here's the key, "what can I do to make him love me"? What can I do to make him love me? It was all I could do to keep it together. I had to tell them that there was nothing they could do to make him love them. That was one of the hardest things I've ever told a child, or an adult for that matter. All they wanted was to be loved by their bio the way he loved his other child, but it was never to happen. They finally got passed that, and they no longer care, anything about him. He did it too himself, yet he blames me.
deleted_user
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I truly appreciate it!
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