Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
My husband and I adopted my son. He was 4 when he came to live with us and is 11 now. He was taken from his bparents due to abuse and neglect and spent the better part of the first 4 years of his life back and forth in foster homes and with his bparents. He was one screwed up little boy. I have to admit, I have had my moments where I felt like I was failing and I felt like giving up. I prayed a lot and we have been in counseling for 7 years. He would not let me touch him for at least 2 months after coming to live with us. From what I gather, bmom was big abuser. My son took the "terrible 2's" to a whole new level. He would just "go off" for days on end- screaming, biting, kicking, ripping, breaking, slapping, hitting... I felt like I was perpetually covered in spit and bruises. He was kicked out of preschool. He was diagnosed with ADHD. Thank God! Under all of the muck, I saw the beautiful and wonderful little boy he really was and was given help to pull him out. We still have issues (and maybe we always will.) He still throws temper tantrums at age 11, although they do not last as long as before. I still pray for strength and answers and courage. I still doubt myself sometimes. I will never doubt my love for him and truly feel that he was brought to me for a reason. I truly feel that he was meant to be my son and I love him more than anything.
Sometimes I feel alone. Friends with bio kids just don't understand. They take being a parent for granted. I appreciate it more because we have had to WORK at it. I am not looking for PERFECT. No one is perfect. But am I selfish for wishing for a little bit of NORMAL? It was a battle for 2 1/2 years in court fighting for custody (although as foster parents, we had no real rights. He had been living with us for 2 consecutive years and we were not even allowed to attend all of the court hearings.) It was horrible to feel like a paid babysitter. It is a constant battle with my son's school. At times I feel judged. (By our counselor, by the school, by friends, by family.) So anyway, joined this NG to talk with other people who could understand.
Sometimes I feel alone. Friends with bio kids just don't understand. They take being a parent for granted. I appreciate it more because we have had to WORK at it. I am not looking for PERFECT. No one is perfect. But am I selfish for wishing for a little bit of NORMAL? It was a battle for 2 1/2 years in court fighting for custody (although as foster parents, we had no real rights. He had been living with us for 2 consecutive years and we were not even allowed to attend all of the court hearings.) It was horrible to feel like a paid babysitter. It is a constant battle with my son's school. At times I feel judged. (By our counselor, by the school, by friends, by family.) So anyway, joined this NG to talk with other people who could understand.
I too was like your son. Although I was a bit older. The "bad" things I have been doing are gone now. I am in college, studying nursing, and hoping to major in anesthesiology some day-Lord willing:)
I still have issues I have to work on daily, but as I grow, I am more aware of them.
Have faith, and keep up the good work you're already doing. Your son will grow to a good guy, who will return the love you gave to him, to someone else. I hope to do that some day too.
I can't even imagine how hard it is for you. I have watched my a-parents going through all the struggles with me. They never left my side. And I think i gave up on fighting. I realized they love me, and I can't change that-lol.
Take care. Hope things will get better soon.
Now I am able to bring them joy and happiness. I am also at university studying nursing and have goals and stability in my life.
I am so glad that my parents never gave up on me. Don't give up on your son, his behavioural maybe a result of him processing the trauma in his life, however I believe he should not take it out on you, he may need to find other more positive ways to express how he feels inside. Does he have hobby he enjoys this may be helpful to his wellbeing or some nice friends he can be encouraged to spend time with. Can you ever have a break, such as he visit a family or friend for a day or weekend?
May be when he is older he will be able to recieve counselling or meet others that understand and can support him in his needs and emotions.
You are doing the right thing by loving him and supporting him through all the extremes - ups and downs. He will appreciate it one day and it will all be worth it.
Make sure you get support for yourself do you know any other couples who are in a similar situation that can draw strength and understanding from? can you do nice things for yourself and have good self care, this may make you more resilient and give you strength.
I admire all that you have been through and though not every one understands about adoption, he is your child, I dont know if you believe in God but I personally believe God gave him too you and he will give you the strength to raise him.
All the best, I hope you recieve the encouragement and support that you need and good progess in your son every day even if its only small. You will get there.