Raising a child whether biological or though adoption is always going to have anxieties. However there is also a lot of joy! I was more of a mess than my husband...the wait and uncertainty of when we would be parents was sometimes worse than the fertility treatments. after a year and half we were blessed with an amazing little girl and the anxieties have not stopped. You are only human if you feel this way.
Sending lots of prayers on your journey to parenthood.

Hello,

My husband and I started as foster parents. We fostered for close to 7 years. We had a total of 6 enter our home. The last baby we received into our home became our child because it truly was meant to be. We got her basically at birth, she was a 4lb lil peanut.

I will tell you this, before becoming foster parents, I felt like you, but maybe not as anxious. I have been involved with children for many years, so I was very accustomed to being dealing with the needs of a young one, so I think this is why I had no real worries. My only big concern was with reunification. My husband and I were involved heart and mind, so we truly wanted to make sure that they children were placed in a safe environment. Thankfully, all the children did just that, and of course we adopted our lil girl, so what else could we ask for.

My advice to you is to continue doing what you are doing. Everything is a learning process, and there will be many ups and downs. You are possibly adopting more than we did, so you may have a lot more to have to contend with, but I am sure that with your husband and yourself working together, all should go well.

My biggest advice is talk to the children clearly, and without hesitation or discomfort, because if they sense there's a problem of discomfort, they will feel it too, and think that the adoption subject is taboo. My daughter is 4 and knows she adopted and that she didn't come from my tummy. Although your kids may be slightly older or roughly around the same age, tell them whatever their brains can handle. Nothing above their level of understanding. This way it's a common, normal subject, and they feel that it is not something that creates anxiety or discomfort.

Ok, I hope at least I helped a little :)

Hope all works out for you and your family,

(((((hugs)))))

YES, you are completely normal!!!! We've had 5 kids (not all at once), 3 long term 2 older boys and 1 little girl. We adopted the little girl (whose pic is my avatar). I believe I still have trouble bonding, it's something that I struggle with, but I am her mother and she is my daughter, legally and or otherwise, I am "mom" to her so it sort of helps me live up to that title when she is whining for me, I realize that to her, I'm her world. It's all a journey, some hills, bumps and round-abouts...but in the end, you'll be cruising along down the highway feeling like a "normal" (if there ever was such a thing) family.

We are open with her about the fact that she is adopted...it's not secret we can't have kids. We still maintain contact with her biomom and I hope that one day she will have a friendship with her...I think it's easier for me to accept this because I'm adopted and have a relationship with my biomom, but no one crosses the boundary and everyone knows that my 'mom' is my mom - the one who adopted me and took care of me all those years and who will always be there for me.

Anxiety is all part of the process. I'd say you're doing ok.

Hang in there!
HUGS and PRAYERS!!!

We've been doing foster care for over 20 years and have adopted several children but no sibling groups. What would concern me most is that just starting you might overwhelm yourselves with several children all at once. I know that there are sibling groups who need homes and they are often hard to place but I would encourage you to start with one at a time and increase it as you feel you can Take care of yourselves and have fun !

Hello There! I am both an adoption therapist and a longtime adoptive mom (8 sons and daughters + 1 for whom we are permanent guardians). I have created a program for adoptive families (Adoption Playshops!) that I facilitate all over North America and Australia, and have been presenting the program for over 15 years. I share that because I want you to know that I have worked with lots and lots of adoptive parents, adult adoptees, and youngsters age 5 and older, and can tell you, based on that experience that your feelings are very normal. They are shared by many people prior to adopting, and as others have said, don't necessarily go away after placement because we, as adoptive parents, tend to struggle with our entitlement to be parents to the children we adopt. We tend to worry whether or not we are or will be "good enough" parents. We wonder and worry about OUR attachment to our children, and sometimes continue TO struggle with that, even after our children have been adopted.

I have several suggestions for your consideration. First, I would encourage you to contract with a therapist-- and one who has specific training in adoption (most do NOT, even though they tell you that they have worked with adoptees, and adoptive parents. That does not mean that they have any specialized knowledge, training, or skills to offer for what you are dealing with). Support groups are great for empathizing with how you are feeling, but that is not the same as getting help to better navigate the journey you are on, which will help you to become a better adoptive parent.

I would encourage you to start reading: books on adoptive parenting, books that will help you acquire expert communication skills (one of THE most important things TO acquire in order to be able to coach your children to talk with you about the thoughts, feelings, questions, fantasies they usually hide and deny-- that can get them into trouble during the teen years. Learn about how adopted children understand adoption from the inside, at various ages and stages. Since they cannot tell you, and are not analyzing their own experiences AS children or teens, this is extremely important. Devoting yourself to learning and preparing will help you to focus on the job you have signed up for, rather than solely on your own feelings, right now, when you are powerless to have control over what is to come or know how you will feel once you have children in your home.

Consider volunteering with an organization that serves children. While our tendency is to pull away and protect ourselves, when we are struggling with infertility, and tend to stay away from children, families, pregnant women, etc... what is best for us, is to immerse ourselves in preparing for parenthood. Becoming a parent means putting ourselves and our feelings aside, in order to put our child/children's needs, feelings, experience in the priority position. That is not to say that our feelings and needs no longer count, or that we should not take good care of ourselves. Only that we MUST put our children first, because we are the adults. The more we can do to familiarize ourselves with what children of various ages/stages are like, the better prepared we will be for parenthood. Its NOT a good idea to think that we can learn on the job and be the best we can be.

As a social worker, when I was placing children for adoption, and thus working with prospective adoptive families, I encouraged prospective parents to not adopt more than two at once, if they were becoming first-time parents. Adopting more was, too-often, a set-up for failure. Its a HUGE job, and the incoming children often have complicated needs that require lots of attention and support. Its often rough going for ANY set of parents, but without experience, it can feel like Mission Impossible, so that the adoption breaks down. Sometimes, I think we convince ourselves that we can handle a larger sibling group, just so as to get a placement faster, but that is not a good idea. It can mean that we trade grief over infertility and fear that we will never get to be parents, for overwhelming challenges that sabotage the adoption.

I really wish you all the best. I hope that you will seek help from a therapist. You have been through a great deal of grief over the children you had hoped to birth, and you deserve to give yourself the chance to feel joy over finally being an expectant parent. When fear, worry, and grief are a barrier to that, we miss out on the joy-- something that we so long for. Working with a really skilled therapist can help us to shift gears and put our focus on preparing for the wonderful, new journey that is ahead.
Jane

Hi, I'm brand new and was touched by your honesty. I can't believe how emotional it is to want to adopt. My state is notoriously slow and inefficient in placing foster kids for adoption.

We are seeking to adopt teenagers...one in particular from another state. But we have waited over a month to even get an initial appointment. The poor social workers are overworked. Meanwhile, though, kids are waiting.

I look forward to getting to know everyone!

Hi Winwoman. I am just curious. Why are you wanting to adopt teenagers, and why one in particular who is out of your state? Do you already have children whom you are parenting?

Janebrown

Thanks for asking. We are interested in teenagers for two reasons: we are looking older... Late 40s early 50s. And it breaks our hearts how many kids "age out" of foster care system, never to have a family.

As for the boy in another state, we used to live in that state and identified him when we started the adoption process there. Got moved for work to a bordering state and are starting over.

Hi again, win woman. Like vectoman, I, too, am concerned when a couple who has never parented makes the decision to adopt several children, and/or teens, at the same time. You sound as though you have a lot of heart for children and youth, which is AWESOME. However, unconditional love is not at all enough to parent youngsters who have been in the system and have very challenging problems.
Most often, applicants who are willing to consider multiple children at once, and teens, go to the head of the class, so to speak. If that is not the case in the state in which you now live, so that they are giving you no attention for a month, imagine having a teen or several challenging children in your home, calling upon their caseworker to provide resources or support, and not hearing from him/her for a month or more. In some states, things are so bad that a family requesting help may wait for MANY months without receiving support from a caseworker for the youngsters in their care. That is something that you really must take a hard look at. You cannot do this alone. You need to know that if and when you are experiencing crises, which is a very very real possibility/probability, that you WILL receive help, resources, support from the children's caseworker. Do not adopt unless you DO know that that will be the case, or you put yourselves AND the children at risk.
I would also urge you to join an adoption support group-- one that includes families who have adopted older youngsters and sibling groups. This is NOT something that you can handle on your own, without support from others who understand the specialized skills it takes to raise youngsters who have been in the system. It is nothing like parenting youngsters who were born to you, or who were adopted at an early age. If you are very private people, that is not a good thing. The more you are able to ask for help and support, the better are your chances of weathering challenges because you do not feel so alone and overwhelmed, with nowhere to turn.
We have fostered and adopted numerous older kids, sibling groups, and several teens-- personally, in addition to my having supervised many adoptive families with these types of placements. We learned a great deal by raising the children who came as infants prior to adopting older children, a sibling group, and the teenagers that served us well in learning the additional, specialized skills that we needed to possess before being prepared for the far more difficult challenges of adding youngsters who had a complicated, difficult, and damaging history. Even at that point, parenting those youngsters was, is, and always will be FAR more challenging. Although we certainly love them very much, love and best intentions would never have been enough to be good enough parents who were truly prepared for the very complex and difficult challenges that made the difference between having been able to keep their adoptions intact or disrupting because we did not know how to handle the continuous, and troubling situations we faced on an ongoing basis.
I realize that I am being very honest and perhaps discouraging to you, win woman. That makes me feel bad, however, better that you have a better understanding of what you are likely to be signing up for, with the caseworkers/social workers very unaware of what those challenges will entail, and consider these things carefully. Otherwise, an overwhelmingly difficult placement could break your hearts and worse, fail the very children you would like to be able to help. That further convinces children that they ARE unloveable and incapable, and increases the distrust of adults because one more set of grown-ups gave up on them.

Hi again,
Jane Brown, I just saw your comment from June 30. I was away from the support group, feeling discouraged at how slow it is.

Now, we are scheduled for an orientation Aug. 18.

I'm glad you were honest. I'm quite scared about the whole thing, frankly. I don't know If I CAN do it....or if I want it enough to go through the stress you mention.

I think it is a calling, (I am religious) that one is equipped for. I just need to move forward and see how it unfolds. The option? Close myself off from risk, stress, and danger. In other words, die or at least lead a diminished life. Not that adoption is the only way to serve. but it seems a good way for a happily married couple.

We shall see...