Those of us that are adopted definitely have unique stories and uncommon upbringings. Although, successful/healthy adoptions should be celebrated, they're not always understood by everyone involved. It sounds like your parents wrestle with this sometimes. When was the last time you had an honest discussion with them about exploring your Chinese heritage? I think your desires are warranted and should be fostered [at some point within your life]. Also, do you still identify with being "abandoned"? What is it about your current environment that makes you feel in such a way? Are people falling short of your expectations and is this something you can also honestly discuss? As difficult as it feels right now, your story is one that will influence many. I know you feel rather isolated and alone, but take heart in the intentional nature of your past...why you're here now and what you're meant to do. I want to encourage you to look past what seems like a byproduct of strict laws, and identify your life as no accident. You're laced with purpose and promise.

i guess i know that God will take me through this and in many ways i feel like people that i want closer to me fall short .... i tend to put everyone on a pedestal and am crushed when they are not as perfect as i perceive them to be.
i guess i feel abandoned because i have a really hard time expressing my needs - because i have these feelings of fear and abandonment i want to express to my wonderful mentors but i just never have the heart to do it because i dont want to blame them and tell them they are making me feel abandoned - its just in general i feel abandoned.

So, your perspective has interesting timing given the advent season we're in. As I was reading your reply, I immediately thought of a message I heard on Hope (the first advent theme) and where you place it. Who and what do you hope in? Sure, we sometimes flippantly say, "I trust God to walk through this time with me," but are you really trusting Him with everything you have? Or, are you putting some of that hope into people? Are you placing too much expectation in someone who is just as human as you are? We all fall short, and we have all let other people down at one point or another. This is why our hope can only be in one thing...and that's God. You are absolutely right, He will take you through this and will certainly NOT abandon you. In fact, not only will He walk next to you, but He will bring the right people into your life. Some of them might already be present. My point is...in God is where you will find true hope, peace, joy and love....nothing in this world will come close to it. Let Him heal the parts of you that feel abandoned and hurt....ask Him into those places with earnest vulnerability. All you need to do is invite Him in and He will begin to transform your heart and meet you in that place of surrender.

I know you're hurting. I get it, I really do. The pain of abandonment and isolation runs deep, which is exactly why we cannot do this on our own. Release all these feelings to the only one who can bring true healing. You are so loved and valued. Everything you're experiencing matters, okay? You've been protected and watched out for since birth....you are here with purpose and meaning.