Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
I have a daughter. She turned 2 in November. I gave her up for adoption at birth. I had an agreement with her new parents that I would get pictures. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.
My ex-husband left me for another woman and abandoned me in California when I was 6 months pregnant. After I was trying to make our marriage work from infidelity. My daughter has a half brother who is older than her. He was a Marine and he had enough leave saved up that he could take 2 months of terminal leave. Which meant he didn't have to go to work and could go anywhere and still get paid for 2 months.
He didn't even tell me he was leaving. I was going to individual counseling as well as marriage counseling with him. I went home after my session and he was gone. I didn't have a job. No one hires a pregnant woman, either. I applied everywhere and got interviews. They would stare at my stomach the whole time and then say I wasn't the right fit.
My ex-husband, as a Marine, was legally supposed to give me a portion of the pay he was getting. He got paid nearly double just because he was married. That would have helped me get by. He didn't give it to me. I called his command and they said, "Yeah, he's supposed to, but he checked out so its out of our hands. There's nothing you can do." I got on WIC and food stamps. A nice woman at a church let me sleep on her couch because that was all she had.
My family was all here in Missouri and didn't have any money to help me to even get home. The same woman from church had a niece and nephew. Well, niece-in-law. They had been happily married for 10 years and desperately wanted a child, but couldn't have one. They were about to start the process of adopting from overseas. She put us into contact with each other. I met them, spent time with them, and got to know them. They're such good people and good Christians. They're both teachers. I agreed to give my daughter to them. They promised that she would meet me when she was older and to give me pictures.
They took me to the hospital when I went into labor. They stayed with me the whole time. The aunt and my baby's mother held my hand through it all. I got 2 days with her. I just had to hold her. I nursed her during that time. And after they took her, I pumped breast milk for her for the next 6 months. I wanted to give her the best start I could. I kept a log of everything I ate and drank and the times I pumped so if she got a tummy ache, I could avoid eating whatever may have caused it. I met with them every so often to give them the milk and to just hold her.
Then, we separated. We all agreed that it would be too hard on everyone for me to be a constant part of her life and it would be confusing. But I knew she would be ok. I know they love her. Her mother had this amazing happy glow about her. She needed a diaper change one of the times I got to see her. Her mother went to change her and I sat and talked with her father. When he talked about her - the way his face lit up - I knew he adored her. And it made me feel better.
I loved her and wanted her from the moment I got pregnant. My ex-husband tried to say she wasn't his. I never cheated, so she was. I had no way to take care of her. I couldn't have given her what she needed.
I had to give her up. It was best for her. It broke my heart, but it would have been wrong and selfish to keep her.
My life got more complicated. I was able to get a job where I barely made enough to rent a room. And things got worse from there. I never got involved with alcohol or drugs, but I was deeply depressed. I got into an abusive relationship - and those jerks always know how to spot the vulnerable ones, the ones who have lost their confidence and self-esteem. He was great at first but when he started hitting me, I didn't even care. I was so depressed, I didn't give a damn what happened to me. And then I almost died. He lacerated my spleen and kidney and didn't take me to the hospital until it was almost too late. Doctors said 10 minutes later and I wouldn't have made it. Major internal bleeding. That's when I got out.
A little over a year ago, I made it home. And I've rebuilt my life. I've been wanting to ask her parents for pictures for a long time, but for some reason, every time I tried, I got scared. I was terrified and I don't understand why. Finally, Saturday night, I did it. I sent her mother an email. I haven't heard back, but I think its possible that she doesn't use that e-mail address anymore. It's been 2 years. So, I mailed them a letter last night. I know their address I also sent their aunt a facebook message and she got back to me this morning, saying she would pass it on to them. If they tell me no, I'll have to live with it, but I don't think they will. They just have to know that I'm asking.
I just want to see her. I want to know that she's ok - that she's happy. I'm sure she is, but its not the same as actually seeing her. Pictures will be enough. I wonder what she looks like. I wonder if she looks like me.
My ex-husband left me for another woman and abandoned me in California when I was 6 months pregnant. After I was trying to make our marriage work from infidelity. My daughter has a half brother who is older than her. He was a Marine and he had enough leave saved up that he could take 2 months of terminal leave. Which meant he didn't have to go to work and could go anywhere and still get paid for 2 months.
He didn't even tell me he was leaving. I was going to individual counseling as well as marriage counseling with him. I went home after my session and he was gone. I didn't have a job. No one hires a pregnant woman, either. I applied everywhere and got interviews. They would stare at my stomach the whole time and then say I wasn't the right fit.
My ex-husband, as a Marine, was legally supposed to give me a portion of the pay he was getting. He got paid nearly double just because he was married. That would have helped me get by. He didn't give it to me. I called his command and they said, "Yeah, he's supposed to, but he checked out so its out of our hands. There's nothing you can do." I got on WIC and food stamps. A nice woman at a church let me sleep on her couch because that was all she had.
My family was all here in Missouri and didn't have any money to help me to even get home. The same woman from church had a niece and nephew. Well, niece-in-law. They had been happily married for 10 years and desperately wanted a child, but couldn't have one. They were about to start the process of adopting from overseas. She put us into contact with each other. I met them, spent time with them, and got to know them. They're such good people and good Christians. They're both teachers. I agreed to give my daughter to them. They promised that she would meet me when she was older and to give me pictures.
They took me to the hospital when I went into labor. They stayed with me the whole time. The aunt and my baby's mother held my hand through it all. I got 2 days with her. I just had to hold her. I nursed her during that time. And after they took her, I pumped breast milk for her for the next 6 months. I wanted to give her the best start I could. I kept a log of everything I ate and drank and the times I pumped so if she got a tummy ache, I could avoid eating whatever may have caused it. I met with them every so often to give them the milk and to just hold her.
Then, we separated. We all agreed that it would be too hard on everyone for me to be a constant part of her life and it would be confusing. But I knew she would be ok. I know they love her. Her mother had this amazing happy glow about her. She needed a diaper change one of the times I got to see her. Her mother went to change her and I sat and talked with her father. When he talked about her - the way his face lit up - I knew he adored her. And it made me feel better.
I loved her and wanted her from the moment I got pregnant. My ex-husband tried to say she wasn't his. I never cheated, so she was. I had no way to take care of her. I couldn't have given her what she needed.
I had to give her up. It was best for her. It broke my heart, but it would have been wrong and selfish to keep her.
My life got more complicated. I was able to get a job where I barely made enough to rent a room. And things got worse from there. I never got involved with alcohol or drugs, but I was deeply depressed. I got into an abusive relationship - and those jerks always know how to spot the vulnerable ones, the ones who have lost their confidence and self-esteem. He was great at first but when he started hitting me, I didn't even care. I was so depressed, I didn't give a damn what happened to me. And then I almost died. He lacerated my spleen and kidney and didn't take me to the hospital until it was almost too late. Doctors said 10 minutes later and I wouldn't have made it. Major internal bleeding. That's when I got out.
A little over a year ago, I made it home. And I've rebuilt my life. I've been wanting to ask her parents for pictures for a long time, but for some reason, every time I tried, I got scared. I was terrified and I don't understand why. Finally, Saturday night, I did it. I sent her mother an email. I haven't heard back, but I think its possible that she doesn't use that e-mail address anymore. It's been 2 years. So, I mailed them a letter last night. I know their address I also sent their aunt a facebook message and she got back to me this morning, saying she would pass it on to them. If they tell me no, I'll have to live with it, but I don't think they will. They just have to know that I'm asking.
I just want to see her. I want to know that she's ok - that she's happy. I'm sure she is, but its not the same as actually seeing her. Pictures will be enough. I wonder what she looks like. I wonder if she looks like me.
vuemastr
Be prepared for them to be really leery about opening the door to you. You "disappeared" for two years. I know that you have been through more than anyone should have to deal with. You will have to share your story and give them time to begin to trust you again. The worst thing they could do is open her up to you and then your "disappear" again. It sounds like your intentions are good and that you will respect their boundaries. You may have to help them see that. I will pray for openness on their side and peace for you. Best wishes.
oceanwinds
The advice from vuemastr I think is spot on. Perhaps, connecting with the parents may be better if you all had a meal together without your daughter. It may be, also that they are going through a divorce or cancer or bankruptcy or some other difficulty, too that makes it challenging to do e-mail contact.
Jctc778
I am 26, I did adoption for my son when he was born. By far second hardest choice of my life, and now I'm doing adoption for my daughter. I will still have a relationship with my daughter. I honestly believe that you can earn trust back, I know how hard it is, but remember why you did it. I'm assuming you were looking for a brighter future for your child and you made a very selfless choice. Not all parents can make the best decisions for their kids, but don't let the child get to know you then leave. It literally leaves an emptiness in their heart that will never be filled. I'm not trying to sound offense or say you would do anything like this, but my point is you wanted your child to have a better life, is it easy on you to stay close, or far away. Trust me, I know this topic is touchy I'm facing the same problem, but I'm trying to remember why I chose adoption. I love my children that will never change, and their happiness and well being come before ours. That's what we do as mothers. I hope I at least helped you remember your goal, our children's future depends on how they are raised, taught, think, and feel. Make sure they know they're worth it!
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