Adopted adults Community Group

Adults who want to talk about adoption experiences. Also people who would like to make friends w/people with similar experiences.

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lav 07/23/2008

Why is it that we, that have been adopted, constantly wonder what our life would have been like if we had been raised by our bmom? Why can't we just get it through our heads that it happened and there is nothing we can do about it? Is it because we never felt that unconditional love that seems that only a mother can give? Is it that we feel that life may have been better?
I'm sure many of you have often thought about how your life would have been. I know that I wish with all my heart and soul that I had been raised by my bmom. If I had been raised by her then many of the horrors that happend in my childhood wouldn't have happened. but then how do I know that? How do I know for a surity that life would have been better? I may have had different happenings that I would be struggling with today. And then I think about the fact that I would have never met the man that I adore and have been married to for the past 28 years. I wouldn't have the beautiful children and grandchildren that I do. They are what mean the most to me in my life. They are the ones that have brought so much joy into my life throughout the years. So I think to myself that I wouldn't have that if I had not been adopted.
Sorry for going on like that. When life seems to be more than I can bear I try to think of the many blessings that I do have and it seems to help me forget about all the things that I never did have.

deleted_user 07/23/2008

You seem to be forgetting the big picture (no offense). The loss of a b-mom also represents the loss of a whole tribe. Often generations of familial relationships that are unique and cannot be replaced with substitutes are just gone.
For some adults this situation may have become bearable over time. But from an infants or a childs point of view, the loss of a b-mother and/or b-father is traumatic and sets the child up for seperation anxieties that can last a lifetime. Of course there are probably exceptions to this, but in my opinion all adoptions need to be open and slow-paced with co-parenting between the b-family and the a-family whenever possible.

Your right, it's easy to fantasize about the what if's of life.
But in this case how can I not fantasize about the two people that opened the door for me, created an entrance into this life of mine? How can I stop wondering about the rest of my tribe?

Aust 07/23/2008

Well I found my 'tribe'. With my much loved a parents I never had to learn to defend myself against the on going men through the b mums life as did the sisters. I never went hungry. Never went into the bush looking for fallen trees to try and drag home to make a fire for a bit of warmth when it snowed and was bitterly cold. I never waited for the dump truck to leave the supermarket with old fruit and veges to be dumped to try and find something to eat as it was tipped out. I was never hit with what ever was handy. I had shoes in winter and some education. And they grew up quite dysfunctional as to be expected, some dont even speak if they pass on the stret, seldom contact each other all year. The previous generation has all passed on. I consider myself very blessed to have been loved and escaped that. pandoras box is not always as you would think. And sometimes being adopted isnt either.

lav 07/24/2008

Pastlight - no offense taken.
I'm glad to hear how others feel. It helps me to get my thoughts straight in my head. I know that I'm feeling a loss that will never be replaced. As I journey down this road of life I am trying desperately to get things straight in my head. Hearing other ppls views make that road seem not as hard. Thank you both for your thoughts!

deleted_user 07/24/2008

I have come to the conclusion that God has been using me as an Angel. I feel as though I was put with my a-family for them to realize this. They never have seemed to realize so is between them and God now. I have been truly bleesed to have my children and husband now. The abuse is something I am slowly laying to rest. It used to make me a wreck in life until I have been speaking to God about this. Believing I have sacrificed my birth family has made me realize that I am able to connect to any family. Family is kindness and compassion and love. So I am the originator a a family.. makes me feel unique and proud. love, Betsy

deleted_user 07/24/2008

Though I can still fall into the what if trap many years ago I realized I would not be who I am had just one experience I went through been different. I take solice in the knowledge not because my life is great - very far from it but because over the years, every so often, my experiences has helped others - I'll bet you have too.

Aust 07/24/2008

Chriss, again a good point with different experiences. cant understand unless you have walked a mile in those shoes. Seems we have lots of understanding between all of us gathered here on this site. As if for some reason.

Mouse8844 07/25/2008

you just don't know do you
I don't think there is much point beating ourselves when really we just don't know.Life has happened.We are here we have lived our lives with the best that we have been given.It is up to us what we do with the rest of it.I thought it would have good for my BMum if I could have been with her always but then maybe my brothers and sisters wouldn't have been born so who am I to say what should have been.
Like Aust I could have been brought up in a dsyfunctional family also.Would it have diferent if my BM had been allowed to keep me?who knows.You just got to do what you can with what you have.No going back,can't change the past.

deleted_user 07/25/2008

I never wondered what it would have been like if I was raised by my bmother. I always wondered what it would be like to be raised by my bfather. But i know now by knowing him what lmy life would have benn like and I really wouldnt have wanted that.

deleted_user 07/26/2008

I have never really wondered what it would have been like to be raised by my b-mother either. What I did spend alot of time thinking about was if I would have had a better relationship with my b-family than I do with my a-family. Don't get me wrong, I had a good, relatively happy upbringing but have never been close to anyone in my family and i always put it down to the fact that we weren't blood related. I also wondered if my b-father would have been more of a father to me than my adoptive has ever been.

deleted_user 07/28/2008

thanks for posting this becuase i know i am certainally one of those people who thinks about what i don't have and sometimes forgets to think about all the good that i do have...it was a nice reminder

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