My husband has ADHD and also a TBI. He contradicts himself. I handle it by reminding him that he is contradicting himself and asking why he thinks this is happening. Sometimes it is the ADHD< sometimes he is manipulating me and I have called him out on it in a way that hopefully is non-threatening. It does put him on the defensive, which can make him angry but I can manipulate back, can't I? I say it in a super-nice voice and I may even start off with "I love you!" But one thing I have learned about my husband is that if I keep pushing, he doesn't have time to sort things out and get it straight in his head, so he will blow up at me as a way to get me to back off so he can think. It's possible that your partner doesn't know why he feels as he does. I know ADHD people can exist wholly in the present and not look back, so they may not know why they do many things. If you present your feelings about it to him and walk away- giving him space to think, you may be pleased at the results. Like saying every reason you just posted, but don't make it long-winded because you will lose his attention and his mind will wander while you are talking. You could even write it down in as few words as possible so he can read it. State what you want, state your reasons, and ask him for what you want from him. Then give him time to respond. With my husband, I will give him a specific time, like: I will ask you again about this tomorrow and by then hopefully you will have made up your mind. I have two kids with ADD, so giving them specific instructions is very helpful. With my husband, I have to be more careful in my wording so it doesn't sound like I am talking down to him or ordering him around. So I will just state that I will give him time to think and be back to talk at this time, or this day, or after dinner, or if I know he can remember, I will ask him to come to me when he has a response. The only problem with this approach is that he will get distracted and forget to follow-up with me. But that may be his TBI so your partner may not have this issue.

Thanks for giving me such great advice. I have learned that he'll get angry and explode if I push too hard or if he thinks I'm attacking him at all so I've worked out ways to say things. He'll often completely drift away or change the subject half way through a conversation to point out how well the fire's burning or what good value bread is at the moment! I try to keep things brief and to the point as he definitely deals better with facts than feelings. But it does leave me feeling that we're really no more than friends. What you said about completely living in the present and being foggy about the past describes him completely. He sounds very clear about certain things in his own past before I knew him, but he gets so many things wrong when he talks about events during the time I've been with him that I wonder how much of his stories before me are accurate. He can't even remember how many years we've been together!

I wish I could be him for a day so I could understand how he thinks. He says he cares for me in his own way but that it's different from my way. It certainly is. I find it hard to hold on to the idea that he cares for me when it seems I only exist for him when we're together at weekends. Out of sight out of mind. I think of him on and off all the time :( One small example was once when I recorded his favourite tv programme that I knew he was going to miss. He would never think to do that for me. When I see him he might ask if I saw a programme in the week that he knew I'd like, but if I say no and ask him why he didn't call me to tell me it was on he'll just say he didn't think about it. When we're together he does things that show he's thinking about me but when we're apart there's none of the little things from him to keep in touch. I send little texts and ring just to say hi but he never does unless he wants something practical.

But despite all that he can be charming and lovely. I guess I'm just feeling a bit low and unloved right now. It tends to happen after we've been with friends and I see close up how other couples work together. Then I realise how different we are and how far we are from what I always thought of as a good relationship.

But thanks again for the advice, it made a lot of sense :)

Just wanted to add that I've been thinking over the issue of him not staying at my house and it's occurred to me that his 'craziness' (his word for how he used to behave) has eased up as his life came under his control more. As in since he bought the house he's lived in for the last 25 years. His routines now are very well established. He is very self controlled and not spontaneous at all. I think the difference in his head between this and 'living in flats' is that he doesn't want to rock the boat mentally

Anyway, can't believe I'm spending this much time fretting over someone who forgets I exist unless he's looking me. I feel stupid and angry with myself for making him so important to me.

Lastatthebuffet, most of the things you are saying describe my feelings in my relationship. It has been very hard. A therapist I was seeing when I first met my husband (I was going through a divorce after 11.5 year marriage and had two small kids, my husband left us with no income and then called child services to say I was an unfit mother. They showed up and investigated me and I just cried and cried. Then they offered me in-home counseling because they could see how stressed I was. It turned out to be a blessing. 1, the counselor said and wrote in his report that I was a great mom, and 2, he helped me sort out some things and I wasn't completely alone,) So this counselor was listening to me talk about my future husband, who I had only recently met. He said, "he may be incapable of loving you in the way you need to be loved." This stuck in my head. Nobody is perfect, some of us are really broken. I am not unbroken, that's for sure. I have tons of issues. My love "Style" is very different from my husband's. I want someone to listen to me and hug me and love me and send me notes reminding me that he loves me. He thinks that the greatest thing he can do for me is give me control over his paycheck. For him, that is love. For me, that is SUPER nice and all, but love is another thing. I have to keep telling myself that he is doing his best, that I can't ask for something he isn't capable of giving, that isn't very nice, right? Oh but it's hard. One older person I respect told me to focus on maintaining dignity, to get a life of my own. Take classes, spend time with people who make you feel good. That actually may bring him closer. My husband is a "distancer" and I am an anxious-ambivalent "pursuer" have you heard of this? It means I try to get him to love me, he pull away in small ways, like "forgetting how long we've been together". I get anxious because I fear that I am not loved, fear I am losing him. So, I "chase" him by reaching out to him and then I am sad because he didn't think of me when I thought of him. I feel resentment and anxiety and then... I feel depressed and low. If I allow all this to happen and don't stop it, I can get to the point where I feel worthless!
Pulling away from a distancer is all you can do to preserve your self-worth. It is the hardest thing for me. I don't want him to leave me or have an affair. But he DOES need me so when I do pull away, he eventually pursues me. It isn't a game, and you shouldn't do it to manipulate. You should truly be ok with having your own life and not making your world revolve around him. He can't handle that much intensity, right?
I am definitely planning on the long haul with my husband. We have a child together, and after going through my first divorce, I NEVER want that again. I can also see that my husband really needs me, even though that was the hardest thing for him to admit. I am working on my self-worth that took quite a beating through the first several years with this person. I still have depression and anxiety. But I try hard to have interests of my own and not chase him. Once again, I hope this helps. I feel your pain as I read your words. If you can feel compassion for him, I think it helps. Don't allow him to make you question your feelings. Your feelings are valid and maybe he can't deal with them, but that makes them no less valid!

Thanks so much jaellynn, I never thought someone else would understand so much of how I feel sometimes! We both seem to have fallen for similar men after we've had bad experiences with ex husbands. I had given up with men after two divorces and had concentrated happily on my children for 10 years when I met my partner. I was (and still am) an independent woman. He swept me off my feet at just the time my youngest daughter was leaving home, and I fell head over heels for him. He seemed confident, amusing and intelligent, and our sexlife was fantastic! Nobody else had ever made me feel so wanted and loved! He chased me relentlessly.

Reality started creeping in quite quickly and I felt a change. He started to withdraw somehow. The sex went downhill fast. My past experiences had taught me not to chase men but I was confused and we had 'the talk'. He was honest and open about needing his own space as he is so busy, that he can't cope with a full time relationship and that I shouldn't drop my own life for him. So I understood that I was never going to be number 1. I didn't know then how important that is to me. It was only afterwards I realised I had accepted his 'terms' but that he had very skilfully explained why mine might not be met. He can always placate me and I'm happy until I go away and think it over and then I wonder if I've been hoodwinked. He forgets every discussion almost as soon as the words leave his mouth so going back to discuss something isn't easy. "Oh I've forgotten about that, it's done now" Well - no!

And so we've continued. We're in a nice little routine, mostly based around what suits him. We see each other, mostly to suit him as he's so incredibly busy with so many projects. I miss him more than he misses me. He's very good at 'rewarding' me when I behave how he wants, and then I feel ridiculously happy. But he's very good at withdrawing when he's busy and then I feel rejected. I feel that the only time I see him is when he doesn't have something more interesting to do. While he seems to class us along with friends who've been together 30 years as though we're an established couple I've never felt that contentment probably because he is more happy with how things are than I am. He just doesn't seem to 'get' relationships, give and take, jealousy, his favourite phrase seems to be that he just doesn't understand why people get so upset with each other, that when things go wrong they should just part. His record of unsuccessful relationships is a testament to this, though it seems the women ended the relationships as often as he did.

But this attitude and the fact that I want to stay with him has always made me feel he has the upper hand, that if I step out of line too far I'll be yesterdays news and he'll be on to the next, as his superficial attentiveness and charm mean women find him very attractive. My head tells me this isn't the basis for a good, equal partnership. My awful divorces mean I'm scared to look for someone else and doubt my ability to judge people.

Like you I have issues from my upbringing and past relationships and what I really have to address is why I stick with men when I'm twisting myself into knots over them. Because they aren't asking me to do that!