ADHD / ADD Support Group
Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD) are more common than you might think. It is a syndrome that exhibits symptoms such as hyperactivity, forgetfulness, mood shifts, poor impulse control, and distractibility. Join others who suffer from these conditions and share your experiences.
i desperately need some feedback.
I have a 20 yr old step son who is ADHD, his father is also ADD.
i need to understand what is laziness and what if ADHD.
A typical week in our house.......asked to do the dinner dishes, half are still dirty and need rewashed. Dad bring home lunch for everyone (take out) bags and empty cups left at the table. Later that night orders two boxes or pizza. Next night one boxed finishes and left on the kitchen counter, next night second box left again, he has to walk right by the recycling bins to go upstairs. Asked next day to do the cat litter, 4 days later it’s still not done. Work is seasonal and lately there is none so he spends his nights playing video games and sleeps most of the day. Girlfriend arrives daily and they sleep in his room all day. Only comes out of his room when there is food on the table or may go to the gym once a day for an hour or two. His room is like a hoarders room, has garbage bags sitting there for months and constantly brings food and dishes up there which never resurface. Bags and containers of mouldy food, some actually are full of powder spores of mould. Garbage bags thrown in the closet. The puppy got in his room and pulled out a used condom from a dish we eat out of. But yet he goes through his room and has no dishes there. Rarely cleans it even somewhat properly.
Which brings up the constant lying. He was asked 3 weeks ago to clean his bathroom and claims he did it. He lies constantly about things he does or does not do to suit him. He’s lied to his father about me.
He has anger issues!
His father excuses his behaviour because he understands being ADD himself. Says he thinks he already cleaned the bathroom “in his head” because he meant to do it. And the kid knows the boxes should go into recycling but his brain does not comprehend and can’t go through with the action. And apparently I don’t understand the struggles they go through.
He is somewhat housebound from 9pm to 9am because he has bail conditions and trial is set for end of June which does not help. Due to his anger issues and wanting to be the “big” guy among his friends.
He is on meds, don’t know what, but I don’t see a difference in the past 2 years.
I’m at a loss, this is just the tip of the iceberg in my story. I’ve read lots and without being a nag all the time I remind them of their chores and mess he leaves to clean up. It’s fristrating cause I work full time and do so much in the house with 6 of us in and out of the house.
An Example of my reading about this and trying to help....after months of tripping over shoes at the front door he has finally got the hang of putting them on the shoe rack. Still forgets but has got better. I’ve read the constant reminders force good habits but there is only so much I can do and live with. It’s been over 4 years and I see the problem as getting worse and not better.
This has caused major conflict in my relationship with his father. I have 3 children myself. It has caused conflict between my kids and me cause this kid gets away with so much.
what part of any of this is ADHD? I believe there are bigger issues but I need to know the difference from other sufferers and parents of kids with ADHD.
My heart goes out to you! I have the same problems with my 14 year old, and I am struggling with the same question, 'is it ADHD or just laziness?'
I am struggling with my feelings towards him because of this. I love him but sometimes I feel so angry towards him. Like you I try sooooooo hard to help him to help himself. So often I break down in tears from frustration. Every simple thing from taking his medication to putting something in the dish washer feels like a mountain to climb in parenting him. If I ask him to do something I have to stand over him to make sure he does it and even then he doesn't do it properly and he argues, argues, argues.
I sometimes feel quite hopeless.
Breaking things down always helps. The second I start looking at a big picture I start to run the other way. If I make a list to help break it all down, it makes it easier to stay on task. It has helped me to take small breaks when working on big projects. Like a snack break that does not go over 15 minutes. No shows or anything that would distract them during their break. Even just small talk with someone for those 15 minutes helps. When I have a huge goal I do something like a saving a book for my reward. Granted, not everyone thinks waiting to read a book a good motivator but you could do something similar?
In the past, my mother dealt with it in numerous ways. She would charge us for leaving our shoes down stairs or running off without doing our chores. One time I had been very mess and when I came home the house was clean. However, I found all of my mess in my room. She found ways to make sure that we dealt with consequences without making it so extreme we resented her for it all.
While all this might not work, one thing I found consistent is that looking at one big picture made me lose sight of everything. If you think it is a good idea, maybe sit them down and let them ramble off as much as they can. Then go over one point at a time. Keep them on that point but don't get mad. If you get emotional, they'll escalate it and the conversation turns into a fight.
I know it sucks to have to stay calm when they aren't and you are always at your wits end. If you can find a way to let out your stress before it all, it might help. Anything that might help you relax.
Whatever you decide, I cannot stress enough the importance of avoiding allowing them to escalate when you are going over any solutions with them. Letting them rant it out before you start your own points will take a lot of the worked up emotions out of them.
Like I said in the beginning, I don't have children so I can't help from that point of view. But I thought some advice from someone with ADD and not in the situation would help. I hope I helped and I apologize if it seems like I overstepped.
Hope things get better.
I'm a mother of six and I raised my children alone. Making sure our environment was clean and everyone did their part in keeping it that away wasn't all that hard. It wasn't until my children became older that noticed a different behavior problems in one of my children when it came to cleanliness. Anyway here is my store my second oldest daughter who is gay still lived at home. Which wasn't a problem until I start seeing that she had stared being a little lazy. Being that she lived in my home I constantly would stay on her about keeping her room clean and picking up after herself. Now things at that time never gotten to the point to where it was unbearable until I allowed her girlfriend and two kids to moved into my home. With me being the person I am I could not have allow her kids to go without a home. But I soon find out that that was a mistake.
After awhile I notice where my daughter and her friend would sleep all day. It became another problem for me cause if I wouldn't cook the kids would eat. So now I'm caring for someone else kids. Things had gotten to the point to where I did all the cleaning and washing of the dishes. These two did nothing the room they slept in was like a garbage dump. It was horrible like homeless people lived in that room. There are no words to describe the smell from that room which would have my house smelly. The more I fussed about the situation the worse things got and the young girl really thought that I was putting her down. What I could not understand was how my daughter being raised in a clean environment can actually be this kind of person and be comfortable with the situation. It wasn't until learning a little bit about the girls back ground that I understood how she became this type of person. But to raise her children like this made no sense.
I had gotten fed up so I decided to take action and move out leaving them the home. Which by the way was the best decision I could have made. Now the both of them are doing what they should have been doing when we all was living in the same household together. Every now and then they household get a little besides lol itself. But when I speak up things ain't misunderstood like before. I see now that my daughter was just being lazy and her friend well let's just say she was taught wrong when it comes to how a woman is suppose to tend to her household and her mate. However I see where both of her parents was ADHD. The grandparents are still in the same predicament that I had to rescued their daughter and grandchildren from. So I don't think medications are always best for a person with ADHD I think in some cases it is just a case a case of laziness.