Shimauta -- we have been talking for some time and I am really glad that you have come to this forum where others can help you as well. As I understand your background (please correct me if I am wrong because I have memory issues as well), you are like me and are in remission with chemo only. And your main concern is that you might have a relapse. I think there are several on this forum that have this problem (although only a few are chemo only), but many with transplants also have this concern, since while a transplant might improve their chances, it is not a totally reliable cure.

I just present this for background for others who might be reading -- please correct anything about you that you feel I could be getting wrong -- my memory could be wrong and I might even be thinking about someone else since I have discussions with a large number of people every day.

It seems from what you have written above is that you are having difficulty expressing yourself when coming to this forum. PLEASE do not worry about that. We all love you here and the fact that your Engligh might not be the greatest in the world does not matter one bit to us. Just do your best and we will help as much as we can.

I feel like you might also feel some inner turmoil when coming to this forum as a survivor. Again, I could be wrong, but this is not an uncommon feeling. You might be wondering why you survived and perhaps others did not. Believe me, many have felt that way. When I first went home and started feeling like I might survive for the long term, it did cause me some real concern. I know this is very strange. People might be thinking -- what is wrong with you? -- after all, you are alive!!! I cannot answer that question, and neither can you. All I can say is that YES -- someone else has felt this -- I HAVE. I do not think I felt it as much as you are feeling it now, but I know what you are feeling. It was sort of like guilt. Even though there is absolutely no reason for it.

I have an idea that most survivors suffer this at some time or another. This disease and its treatment do things to your mind both physically and mentally. It is difficult to get through it all unscathed. What I can do is to give you the assurance that it will get better. I think most on the list will attest to that. However, if it does not get better, I will advise you to seek help from professionals who are skilled at dealing with problems such as these. Try this -- give it a couple weeks and ask yourself -- is it getting better or worse. If better than your natural systems are doing what they should and you are healing. If you cannot see some difference in a few week then it would be good for you to seek help -- perhaps from a spiritual leader or from your doctor.

I feel like your coming to this list is a step in the right direction, and I feel that many here can and will help you. Again, I ask you to please correct anything that I stated about you that are not totally accurate. I do not trust my memory in this regard. Take care -- dave

Thanks so much Dave ! Its just like you said. Yes, Im in remission with chemo only. Yes, I panic about relapsing. Yes to most of what you said. And somedays I feel so happy !! But some others.... emotional pain becomes so deep. I dont understand all those mood swings since Ive been a very stable person and Im a strong beleiver.

It is not that I cant express myself in this forum. It`s just that It feels so strange sometimes.... sometimes I feel so well, I see that life goes on... and my mind plays tricks...all of a sudden, a though comes to my mind : "Things are too good. Will something wrong come now?"

When Im in those bad moments and I come here, I dont know why, it hurts. To remember. To know. To post. Maybe its just remembering. But sometimes I feel eager to come and post ! What is all this swinging mood stuff about?

Please dont believe that I dont appreciate life nor having all I have. I do. I thank God every day. But.... I feel "strange".

While I write I think that maybe it has to be with son being sick last week. Since I found myself face to face with cancer by means of a lab test sent by email while I was not feeling anything wrong at all, getting test labs results scare me a lot. Even now and even if they are not mine. And last week I spent so many time coming and going to lab tests and doctors with him. He is fine now. But it was a whole hell. His blood tests seemed to be not fine. General white cells were ok, but he had some mild linphocitosis and his monocytes started to go up. Last test showed 16 monocytes. I was in panic. I could hardly hold my tears. I entered the doctor`s office with him and when he said he had some prostatitis and blood tests were fine, I left the office and started to cry. I couldnt stop for a while. So, things were OK. It was just my fear.

Later, I went to visit my therapist. She is also an MD and she is my oncologist wife. So I told her the whole story. She saw those tests and told me she thought it was some kind of viral process but suggested me to call his husband (my doctor). We did that. She explained the situation (by phone) to my onco and ordered new tests in another lab, to be taken next day early morning. He (my onco) promised to drop by the lab and study himself the blood sample and told me to call him later.

I called him, he said no malignity found and to keep an eye on my son since limphocits were a little high. We will discuss it next week when I go to his clinic. It seems that..... the other laboratory confussed limphocites with monocites.... All things are possible in Latin America, even in private medicine.

So, maybe this is touching something inside me. This week I've been sensitive and nervous.

Thanks so much for your words and for this place. I hope Im not hurting anybodies feelings.... since my problems seem so little compared to others.... but all this swing moods are new to me and hard to handle.

Blessings

S

Shimauta -- please don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. It sounds like you have been through a lot last week ... that is enough to get anyone upset. Generally we parents get more upset about our kids problems than our own, and that seems to be the case. It is only normal to be super concerned about your son's health problems, but it appears that it is not as serious as you and they suspected. But it is good to be concerned and to take all necessary actions. Hopefully he will be back in the best of health before too long.

I think it is really good therapy for you to be posting to this site. Please don't worry about your English or offending anyone -- just let your thoughts and feelings come out. I am hopeful that some others will join us soon, since I know there are others that can help.

Let me say this about survival -- those who do survive (and it is a growing number and percentage) should not feel guilt. Mainly because the med people learn more from us than they do from the ones that they lose. After all, in most cases when you lose someone you really do not know exactly why. However, when you get someone into remission and they stay there (either by transplant or not), then they know that they have done something right and they can build on that. So, survivors contribute much to the medical knowledge and they do much to help others who will come after them. I know you have joined this forum to help out others and you probably already have because I feel there are many others who might have tinge of guilt because they are doing well and others are not doing as well. We are all in this fight together. Take care -- dave