As someone going through this process as the patient, I can tell you, that I gained enormous strength and resolve from the posts I participated with Robbie, Monica's husband. I cannot explain the connection and I follow Robbie now on Facebook. I fight my fight for Monica who did not have the same chance as me to fight AML. I still believe that the caregivers have a very difficult journey and it is my pleasure to help anyone. Dave, you have guided me spiritually. I am desperately trying to guide my children back to the faith and to trust God's plan. Thanks for starting this post.
Andrea

Dave,

What a beautiful sentiment. God Bless You.

Cliff

I was just hoping that if someone was out there and needed our help we might be able to. Thanks so much for your jumping in here. I know when I lost my parents the first holiday seasons after that were tough. We lost my brother in law this year to a fall ... rather a prolonged story and all I can say to those who are in or over their 60's is to be extremely careful on stairs or in any situation in which you could fall -- it can be fatal. (He was about 74.) I have a number of neices and a nephew who are having it tough this year because of that, so I was mindful of the problems that many are going through and wanted to help in any way that we could. It is a very joyous season to most of us, but there are some who will have a very hard time getting through it. I know there are many kind and loving people on this forum who are willing and able to help, and I know they will if they have a chance. -- dave

Dave, thank you for your thoughtfulness in starting this thread. You're right in thinking the caregivers might still be on this group --I pop in from time to time to see what's going on even though I don't usually post anything. And I know that there are more here than just me. It's just hard to know what to say or share with someone new to the group so we usually keep quiet. I always fear being more discouraging to someone new if I share how my story turned out so I stay silent and watch as so many been-there-done-that-and-survived-it members encourage the new members. I tried the Bereavement group that's on Daily Strength, but it's sadly worse than being silent and not reaching out at all so I don't even check in there anymore. I have been part of a local Grief Share group and have found that very helpful.

I would love suggestions from others on how to survive the holidays after losing a loved one to an extended illness like AML. To be perfectly honest, I'm not looking forward to the rest of December. Today would have been Nicole's 30th birthday. The entire extended family was with her at Duke last year to celebrate. For many of our family member, it was the last day they spent with Nicole. Ten days later, on the 20th, just the immediate family surrounded her as she breathed her last. The memorial service was on the 23rd, then Christmas while still numb on the 25th. This year, not only do we hit all those 1-year anniversary dates, but my mother-in-law decided that the 21st would be a good day to get married to someone she's only known about four months so now I have a wedding to attend smack in the middle of it all.

We did make it through her birthday today. We wanted to celebrate Nicole's life and her love of life so we all went to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants where we shared memories about her and mostly laughed instead of cry. Then we went and toasted her birthday over caramel macchiatos - her favorite Starbucks drink. We talked and laughed more. And the day was far better than I expected it to be.

I would welcome suggestions from others on how to survive the rest of this month with Christmas and everything else thrown in.

Hi Everyone -
Dave, thanks for starting this thread. I don't know where to start, really, so if I end up rambling on in 5 different directions, please bear with me. As many of you know, my dad is in the midst of his AML battle. It's been a gut-wrenching 6 months and my heart absolutely breaks for him. Christmas used to be our favorite time of the year... this year, I can't bear to hear one song or watch one holiday commercial. Normally I decorate in November because I am so excited for the holiday - this year, I didn't do a thing. My heart just isn't in it this year. But it's not about me. Since my dad is now living with us, I'm afraid that decorating for Christmas will make him upset. He is very emotional these days, and I fear that the holiday will only make him worse. I'm just kind of hoping for the holiday to come and go... Is that wrong? This year is especially hard. We've been through hell, but I'm not concerned about how I feel. I am trying to protect my dad's feelings and not make him overly emotional. He has enough on his plate right now. My dad is still with us but has an uphill climb. God willing he will make it through. No matter, though, I already feel like a part of me is missing. This AML journey has scarred me in a way, but I have to believe that something good will come from it. I love my dad with every fiber of my being. I want the world to know what he means to me. Asking for your prayers, please. Geesh, sorry to be a downer. For all of you, I wish you peace, love, and good health this holiday and all holidays to follow. Be well. xo

I don't spend much time on this site anymore. In truth, I never really said much when I was on here, preferring to read posts of those who have survived this horrid disease in hopes that my dad could join their little club. Instead, on July 2nd, 2012, just 32 days after my dad's diagnosis, I joined a club of my own. Dr. Yang on Grey's says, "There's a Dead Dads Club and you're not in it 'til your in it... I'm sorry you had to join the club"

I am searching for a support group to join, but there seems to be NOTHING out there for my age group, so here I am, back on the site.

Thanksgiving was hard. I am terrified as to what Christmas is going to be like. I want to boycott it. I am boycotting religion, for I do no know what I really believe. I am boycotting family, for I cannot handle my extended family continuously making their grief so much more important than my own. I don't even want to think about what emotions are about to come forth, or how I am to handle the next couple of weeks.

I am not an expert on this and perhaps there is no such thing. When I have heard people say to the experts: "I just do not know what to say to someone who is grieving" ... the answer that I feel is best is: you don't have to say anything -- just be there. Let me thank those of you who have joined this thred for JUST BEING THERE. In sharing your hardship you are telling others that THEY ARE NOT ALONE. Please keep writing and keep sharing -- every little bit helps.

Let me add something I said to my niece who recently lost her dad and was just terrified over how she would handle Thanksgiving with there rest of her sisters and brother. I told her first of all -- don't be afraid to cry -- that is good for you -- get it out. I suggested that once everyone gets together that they sort of have a memory service or something where they talk about him. But with one stipulation -- it will last for an hour and then after that the grieving will be over and they will get on to having some fun with each other and not keep brining it up. She said that it worked quite well, and she got through it a whole lot better than she thought she would. That sounds kind of like what Nicole's sister did to get thru Nicole's birthday. I told my neice to put herself in her dad's place -- when you leave this world, do you want everyone crying forever over you? Wouldn't you much rather they celebrate your life and enjoy the good memories together.

Twoboyz -- you are in a different situation where you are thinking that your dad does not want to celebrate. Are you totally sure of that? It would be a real shame if you are and after it is all said and done he asks you where the decorations were this year. All I am saying is -- please just make sure. If that is the case then it would probably be best to go with his wishes -- you are doing what you can to make him happy, and if you do that, you will feel good about it. It is a sacrifice for you, and perhaps others in your family, but sometimes our greatest joys come from sacrifice.

Pottergirl is in a completely different situation. For sure I would not recommend that anyone be alone over Christmas, and if there is any way that you can avoid that, I feel you will be better off. What I hear so much is that solace can be found in volunteering -- I do not have any specific recommendations along these lines, but no doubt there are some organizations who take care of the homeless or things like that where you could meet some good people. You are not alone -- there are many people like you. When I cast this net, I did not feel like we would necessarily find so many that are anticipating problems of this nature. So please don't feel like you are alone -- and I am sure there are others in your town who are in the same situation and really need the type of help that only someone in your situation may be able to give them. You can see that I am fishing for an answer here -- brainstorming. The goal of brainstorming is not to get it right the first time, but to jog others to feed off of our stupid ideas. You just never can tell.

I am convinced that anyone who adds to this discussion will help -- please do not be afraid to drop in any ideas you might have. It would be nice if there was a discussion group for Christmas drop-outs so that they could tweet or whatever each other right on through the night. Anything to get your mind off of the situation.

-- dave

Here is a resource I found:

http://www.1uponcancer.com/2012/12/07/grieving-the-loss-of-a-loved-one-during-the-holidays-how-to-be-unalone-part-2/

Hi Dave -
Thank you again for starting this. I have already found it therapeutic, knowing that I am not alone and that I can count on people like you to offer support. Earlier, my dad had said he didn't have interest in the holiday this year. He made it clear that there were going to be no gifts and didn't have the joy over the season like he normally does. He asked me yesterday if I was going to put up the 'bears.' Every year my dad gets me a bear for Christmas with the year on its paw. I asked him if he wanted me to put them up, and he said yes. I immediately got them out of storage and put them on the shelves. He also asked me yesterday morning if I was putting up the tree. I asked him if he wanted me to, and he said "yes - and the snowman - nothing else." So while he was out yesterday, I put up the tree and brought out the snowman. I had everything lit for him for when he got home last night. He walked in to the living room and just said "Thank you." He then proceeded to sit on the couch and admire the decorations for about an hour. I cry as I'm writing this. I feared putting up any decorations because I didn't want to upset him. I'm glad I asked and that he let me know what he wanted. I didn't ask him why he only wanted up a few decorations, I just did what he asked for. I want to do everything I can to make him happy but without making him emotional. Also, my dad and I are the only family we have. I have a boyfriend, so he is like family, but no other true family to speak of. It's really hard. I sometimes wonder if there were more family around, if it would make this whole process a little bit more bearable. Wondering won't do much so I just make sure I do everything and anything I can to be there for him in any way he needs me. You're probably tired of me saying, but I can't say it enough - I love my dad with all my heart and always will. Again, I feel like I've rambled on. My apologies...

Rambling on is part of the process -- it is good -- writing it down helps -- the tears actually prove that. I am sure you felt a whole lot better after you let it all out. Your writing is helping others as well. Their situations might be a little different, but grieving is grieving. We all need the assurance that it will get better with time. God does not stick us in a time warp and force us to suffer forever. Time heals things. Talking to your loved ones helps -- don't make any assumptions -- you for sure did the right thing. It would have been horrible if you assumed that he did not want any decorations and then afterward he asked you why you did not put them up. Could well be that he even forgot all about what he said before -- chemo does that. I am so glad you asked him -- stay in touch with him, and stay in touch with us -- I am sure you are helping others. -- dave