as an afterthought, I realize I should be rejoicing that I'm chemo only. So many of you have had so many obstacles and set backs and here I am with a rather smooth road and I'm complaining. I'm sorry for that. I do recognize God's help in all of this and all I can do is believe that He will allow me to grow old with the love of my life and together we can raise our three boys. You are all in my daily prayers and I thank you for your support in all of this.

Chicago mom of three,

Please please don't ever feel that you need to apologize for sharing your fears, concerns and thoughts with us. That is the purpose of this group. Most of us have had phases of our journey where we felt this way. Your individual situation is just that, it's yours. You have three very young sons that desperately need their mommy. My daughter's were older but my heart still ached when I found of leaving them.

Today is Valentine's day and as I read my husband's sweet card to me that talked about growing old together a part of me still doubts. Due to aml I have changed the particle side of my life. I put les into retirement and spend more on vacations, I think twice before a buy new cloths, I experience significant events from a totally different perspective. I'm not trying to be morbid but rather honest. No one can understand your perspective than you.

I am so glad you have your faith and relationship with almighty God, but you are still human and feeling fear is normal even for the most faithful. You are right, God knows the plan and the final outcome but the difficult thing to wrap our brains around is that plan may not include us living on earth. I've had this discussion with my daughters routinely. His ways are not our ways.

I do know one thing for certain as I near the two year mark since mmHg dx in March. My life is better, my heart loves more, many relationship with my husband and my daughter's is stronger. And most importantly, my relationship with my creator is completely different than before aml. I know that is heaven forbid, I relapse, I will fight to my last breath. I do not even know if I have a match, this has never been checked. But if I succumb to aml or for that matter have a heart attack or die in a car crash, my girls are better equipped to move on without me.

Regarding your fears about your consolidation chemo, I dealt with this as well. I call it chemo envy. I could not have the usual dose due to slow count recovery. I see the cocktails that those at mda get and in helps. I want the kitchen sink thrown at this stuff but there is nothing to do about it now. I trust that God have me the best need team fir my situation. I know how it feels to look too your med team for assurance and to not receive it. Please don't dwell on percent because they only master of you allow them to matter. There are miracles among us. Please look too this group for assurance. Many of us are walking miracles and so shall you be.

You will get through tons, you will prevail and you will be cured.

I'm praying for you
Blessings
Julie

My husband died of AML on 12/17/15. Our Catholic priest whom we had known for 10 years gave the homily and it truly gave me comfort. He said it was not God plan for Dave to get Leukemia and be taken away from his wife and children. It is never God's plan to cause suffering. Jesus weeps as we do when someone good is taken away from his family. I never liked this is God's plan crap!!

No need to apologize for telling the truth. I think we all have been where you are at right now at some point in this battle. You have everything going for you especially your young age. my flt3 put me at high risk so I worried too, still do, that I wont be there for my boys. they are mostly grown but they still need dad. I used to look for my doctor for encouragement but it really isn't their job. there job should be getting you healthy and cured and to be completely honest with you. And sometimes the truth isn't pretty. You are on the right path with putting all your trust with Jesus. If you have doubts with your healthcare team, seek a second opinion It cant hurt to have another expert review your case, and it may give you and your husband some piece of mind. I will be praying for your cure.
DaveJ

There is a difference between it "being God's plan" (which I agree it is NOT), and the experiences positively benefiting us and those around us (as Julie expressed). I have found a large number of people who have been through it express the same thing as we believe -- we are much better people for it, so when it says in Romans 8 that "to those that love God all things work together for good" that is part of what it is saying. I totally agree that God does not plan out our demise -- time and chance happens to us all. Some will live beyond the normal life expectancy and others will not. Much of that can be seen due to chance as our DNA in each cell gets attacked by from 10,000 to a million hits per day. It really is a wonder that any of us survive. But we do largely because of the repair mechanisms that God had created within each of us.

As for advice -- I had three panic attacks that I can recall, and while that might not be what you are facing, I think you can related to that -- you cannot get your mind off of it. I survived by believing what it says in Matthew 6. God's eye is on the sparrow and He knows the number of hairs on your head (which might not be that many at this point) -- but I have recently interpreted this to also mean that he knows exactly how many cells are in your body -- which comes to about 37 trillion, give or take a few billion or trillion, God only knows.

It says to let HIM (Jesus) do the worrying, and I was able to do this and just get on with it. I expect being much older than you this was easier for me than it is for you -- I did not have to worry about my kids. But you can rest assured, they will be taken care of if anything happens to you -- but forget that because nothing is going to happen to you. You are pretty much out of the woods.

I am five years after the recovery from my last chemo -- so pretty much out of the woods. I am chemo only as well. We have the fallback position of the transplant. So worry about that if you relapse, which I do not think you will. In the meantime, enjoy not having to worry about GvHD, and for sure -- thank God for the day when you wake up in the morning -- enjoy your family the best way you can, and dedicate yourself to them in love. And just do not worry about how many days there will be. Anyone can get killed in a large number of ways at any time, and they have the real disadvantage of not being able to think it through and prepare for it like you have.

Yes, you have a lot to be thankful for -- see the cup as 90% full and just let Jesus take care of that other 10% ... it is not worth you ruining the rest of your life worrying about it. So fight it as best you can and I think you will soon be back to normal and not thinking about it all the time. Take care -- we are all praying for you -- daveB

Dear Chicago Mom,

I want you to know you have been in my thoughts and prayers. Please know how much we care for you and want to help you through. I would love to tell you that once you get through treatment, the fear will pass. But for me, in a way, ending treatment was a little intimidating. I went from almost constant oversight to going 30 days between visits. This freedom was great and scary all at once. Now I am looking forward to my two year post treatment anniversary so I can go 90 days between visits.

I also wanted to share something a read with you today. I am reading "Crazy Love" by Pastor Francine Chan. In chapter two, the author talks about how out of control we are in regard to our life and health. He references Psalm 73: 3, 13, 16-17 were the psalmist questions basically why bad things happen to good people and vice versa. "Surely in vain have a kept my heart pure....when I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me until I entered the sanctuary of God."

In my earlier post, I did not mean to infer that God gives ANYONE cancer or any illness; however, one only needs to read the book of Job in the Old Testament or read Paul's pleads to God to remove the thorn in his side three times without relief to understand our struggles draw us closer to God however they present themselves.

Many times since cancer, people have stated that I must have found out how strong I am through this struggle/fight. My response is always the same-Absolutely NOT! I realized how weak I am and when I am weak, God is strong! This experience has emboldened me to share my faith with others.

I would never wish AML on my worst enemy; however, I am sincere when I say-I am grateful that it happened to me. It changed my life, for the most part for the better. I refer to it as my road to Damascus moment. Our life here is truly a vapor-James 4:14 "You do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and than vanishes"

I do not intend to be preachy or morbid, I'm being real. Although I have considered myself a born-again Christian for half of my life-25 years. I truly surrendered to God when AML happened-thank the God Lord He was there with open arms to catch me, embrace me, love me regardless of all my doubts and fear.

I truly care for you and believe you will have this in your rear view mirror soon. Fear setting in at this point seems expected because the first few months I believe we are in shear shock-truly. The fog is lifting and fear floods in. Turn to your Lord and Savior and ask for the peace that passes ALL understanding.

May God bless you,

Julie

As always, I thank you all for your replies, insight, support and prayers.

Julie, I agree that good has come from this AML nonsense. I am continually in awe of the amazing outpouring of help, donations, meals, support and prayers from family and friends.

I've always been a Christian and believer but I've never felt a stronger relationship with God and although its heartbreaking to think that I could die soon and leave behind the love of my life and my three adorable boys, death itself does not scare me as I know where I'll end up.

My worry I guess isn't for me but for my husband and kids. I want them to be happy and move on and be ok if I were to die.

Enough about death though! I guess what I struggle with right now is all the well-meaning friends and family who say "I have a good feeling, it won't come back". THe reality is that AML likes to come back and often does. I'm a planner and don't do well with the unknown. So I plan ahead. I'm one of those people who have the menu planned out for dinners for the week and follow a cleaning schedule (before AML) to keep the household chores under control. So I plan for the worst but expect the best. I've accepted and expect AML to come back but I hope and pray it does not. My husband disagrees and feels that I should not even expect it to come back. I don't disagree with him and I'm trying to get myself to that point. I'm scared though that if I don't expect it to come back, I'll be so crushed if it does that I won't be able to fight. I fully believe that God will handle whatever happens and that He has been working through all of this. I don't think He gave me cancer but He knew it would happen. He knows if I'll survive this or if I won't. SO I guess I need to lean on that faith and put my trust in Him and stop worrying. Easy to say but hard to do. I'll work on that. :-)

develasco69, I"m so sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I'm sure its been very hard on you.

You are all in my daily prayers. We will get through this together.

Oh, and thank you for the bible passages (Psalms, Romans, Matthew). Its been immensely helpful to read those each day.

Chicagomom

Dont feel bad for expressing your feelings its good to get them out there and this is a great place to do it.

Chemo only remission is great and if you do relapse in the future there is a chance that the extra time between now and then will produce a donor for you.

Hugs and prayers.

Karen

Today officially marks a year since I was diagnosed. I was also in the M4 subtype. The treatment itself can be taxing both mentally and physically, but what I feel is often overlooked the most is what to expect once you finish everything. While being done with treatment is a joyous occasion no doubt, I have found that my mental battle is even tougher since I finished my treatments, but that's just me. Faith is very important and along with friends has been the things that have gotten me through my rough patches. Keep the faith and just take each day at a time!

Chicagomom,

It is always so difficult to follow the wisdom of Julie and Dave B., because there is nothing that I can say that would be of more value.

DO NOT LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!!! Only look forward, and, as I always say, with your BLINDERS on. There is a glow at the end of the tunnel that will increase in intensity as you begin to believe that you will recover from all of this.

I FAILED my first induction. I was beyond despondent. I received further treatment and, although it was rough on me (at age 58) and I knew from the start that I would need a transplant, I survived.

I guess I am not as good a person as Julie (I am certain of that), but AML is exactly what I WOULD wish on my worst enemy (let's call that enemy ISIS at the moment). It is a tough disease, but you can see that so many of us have made it through the ordeal. I think I am one of the few Jews who write on DS. I have learned so much about faith in God from Dave, and yes, I too love Jesus. It really doesn't matter the specifics of one's beliefs. It is, as you so beautifully said, the recognition of God's help in all of this. All you can do is have faith in the Lord, yourself, and your doctors. Don't think that I didn't cry reading about your sons. Be strong. There will be many more birthdays to celebrate - yours, theirs, and your husband's.

One word of advice...don't ask your doctors to give you statistics. Don't read statistics about AML. I have never asked, and I have never read. I am not an ostrich, but rather a pragmatist. I ask and do what helps me. Your reality will unfold in a positive way, because we are all here for you. Don't frighten yourself with thoughts of the chemo concoction and your doctors' seemingly blase attitudes. Don't expect them to be your cheerleading squad. WE ARE YOUR CHEERLEADERS and you will get through this.

Cliff

Dang I wish we had a like button here because I like no love what you wrote Cliff.

Karen

I agree with Karen! Sometimes a like or ditto button would do the trick since I cannot communicate as beautifully as what have been said previously

All of you guys are so absolutely so awesome and supportive and full of love!

Thank you!

I'd like to push that like button also! Cliff said what I was trying to say without the clumsy-ness. Is that even a word? LIKE!!
DaveJ

Thanks everyone! Together we can all get through this. I really appreciate all the support!