acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
So it's been a long time since I've really posted anything here. I am now finding myself with some time so here it goes:) I'm not very good at keeping to New Years resolutions, so I'm just going to call them "Things I want to focus on this year." (a little less pressure on myself:)).
It has been about 8 months since I've separated from my husband. I find myself still having difficulty living my life because I base it upon how he feels about my day to day choices. I SHOULD say, NOT living my life. Still worrying about how he will handle the fact that I want to move on with my life. Even though the separation was my choice...(we both contributed to the demise of the marriage, not knowlingly but we both had a part in it.)....I find myself putting my life on hold because he isn't ready for me to move on. I want to find love again...i'm ready to try anyways.
The thing I've been struggling with lately is that I've come to like my independence, my daily routines.....my aloneness (to a point), and my privacy. I find it difficult to be in a relationship and be able to keep those things without giving myself completely....losing myself to the other person.....becoming invisible. That has been my problem in the past, and is something I fear as I move into the stage of wanting to build a relationshiop with someone (whomever that might be). I find myself gravitating to people (men) who give me just a speck of what I deserve rather than the people (men) who are attentive to me....open with me on so many levels. I do not in any way mean that in a way that seems selfish or whitchy......it's just that I always seem to go for the men who are emotionally unavailable. Just a pattern with me.
Anyways, I need to find ......or want to find an even balance with giving some of myself without losing my "whole" self in the process.
Just some "Things I want to focus on this year."
Thanks for letting me share.....so glad you are all here!
It has been about 8 months since I've separated from my husband. I find myself still having difficulty living my life because I base it upon how he feels about my day to day choices. I SHOULD say, NOT living my life. Still worrying about how he will handle the fact that I want to move on with my life. Even though the separation was my choice...(we both contributed to the demise of the marriage, not knowlingly but we both had a part in it.)....I find myself putting my life on hold because he isn't ready for me to move on. I want to find love again...i'm ready to try anyways.
The thing I've been struggling with lately is that I've come to like my independence, my daily routines.....my aloneness (to a point), and my privacy. I find it difficult to be in a relationship and be able to keep those things without giving myself completely....losing myself to the other person.....becoming invisible. That has been my problem in the past, and is something I fear as I move into the stage of wanting to build a relationshiop with someone (whomever that might be). I find myself gravitating to people (men) who give me just a speck of what I deserve rather than the people (men) who are attentive to me....open with me on so many levels. I do not in any way mean that in a way that seems selfish or whitchy......it's just that I always seem to go for the men who are emotionally unavailable. Just a pattern with me.
Anyways, I need to find ......or want to find an even balance with giving some of myself without losing my "whole" self in the process.
Just some "Things I want to focus on this year."
Thanks for letting me share.....so glad you are all here!
Lovely to hear from you!
I find I related more to men who were emotionally unavailable as I felt I could keep alot of myself back too in those kind of relationships. It has taken me years to feel I want to change that. I just didn't feel safe doing so before. I almost seemed to feel 'safer' in those kind of relationships.
Although I guess there is maybe always some modicum of 'blending' in a relationship but I too feel it is so important to never lose myself. I used to find it way too easy to 'be whatever that person wanted me to be' and give way too much of myself and, in the process, lose myself. That left me feeling 'less than whole' and codependent and really quite insecure. As an acoa I think I struggled to find my true identity myself....still searching! *giggling*
Life seems such a tough learning curve at times! ....well alot of the time for me anyway!!!!!
I struggle to let people close which is another reason I felt happier with emotionally unavailable types......
Ugh! So complicated!!!!
I send you lots of love and wish you all lovely things in 2011
(((HUGS)))
Karen xx
It is GREAT to see you. I too, had those wonderful feelings of freedom when I left my wife. There is something to be said for the unique experience of enjoying one's own company. 2010, I truly enjoyed that feeling and never felt like I had to get into a relationship. It wasn't a top priority of mine. I just put my life in my HPs hands and decided to enjoy the day... and for a long time... that enjoyment was being alone. And I never really felt anything less then contentment.
I now also see that I can be in a relationship and still have my alone time... as she can too. That is a first for me. In the past, my alone time was like a military operation... planning and visualizing it. And when I found that time, I almost felt guilty for being able to have fun by myself.
It is a necessary part of my growth to have some alone time. And I now realize that I also need my companion to not only respect my alone time... but they too should insist on their own alone time.
It is possible to experience the best of both worlds if both people see the strength of such an arrangement.
Wishing you the best for 2011
Dave
hope this made sense,
i like that, things to focus on this year. i do not believe in new years resolutions, but im setting out this year to give myself freedom to fall, to make mistakes, to be wrong, and to keep going.
one day at a time.. take it easy on yourself, you deserve it!