I am not crazy about this time of year. I know lots of people out there throw themselves into the season for all they're worth. But I can't. I used to do it for my parents when they were alive, because my mother liked it. But over the years, I also saw how difficult it was for her as well. Being the last alive of 9 brothers and sisters was so hard for her. Now my sister, because of whatever, leaves the country for Christmas and our birthdays. Her choice.

My husband and I both choose not to celebrate. Rather, we have a quiet time to oursleves except for getting together with his grown daughter and briefly, his sister visiting. I used to go ahead with a tree, mostly to keep people from exclaiming," Oh but you HAVE to have a tree! "Well, I don't have to. I don't have a problem with those who do, but I am looking at my own wants and needs now. And I do not want one. So now, I fling a nice check to the local foodbank and, I am done.

Why is it so hard to take care of me? To even ask myself what I want and need? Too many years doing what other wanted by rote I guess. I never mattered as much as everybody else. Everyone else first, their choices and then, if anything was left, mine.

But I have finally gotten it how important it is to, first and foremost, take care of myself first. How can I do anything for anybody in my lifew if my owns basic needs aren't addressed? Easy answer. I can't! I just end up sad and frustrated.

After losing both my parents a year and a half ago, I feel rudderless. Sometimes the only idea I can formullate is what I do not want to do. But I have also finally learned to put my needs up front. And, i remeber to do that now most all the time. I remind myself that, in the real world, in an emergency, when the boat is going down, what is the first thing they tell you to do, PUT YOUR OWN LIFE-VEST ON FIRST!!! To be there for anyone else, I first have to protect myself. It's a whole lot easier for me when I remember that.

M