acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
I am not crazy about this time of year. I know lots of people out there throw themselves into the season for all they're worth. But I can't. I used to do it for my parents when they were alive, because my mother liked it. But over the years, I also saw how difficult it was for her as well. Being the last alive of 9 brothers and sisters was so hard for her. Now my sister, because of whatever, leaves the country for Christmas and our birthdays. Her choice.
My husband and I both choose not to celebrate. Rather, we have a quiet time to oursleves except for getting together with his grown daughter and briefly, his sister visiting. I used to go ahead with a tree, mostly to keep people from exclaiming," Oh but you HAVE to have a tree! "Well, I don't have to. I don't have a problem with those who do, but I am looking at my own wants and needs now. And I do not want one. So now, I fling a nice check to the local foodbank and, I am done.
Why is it so hard to take care of me? To even ask myself what I want and need? Too many years doing what other wanted by rote I guess. I never mattered as much as everybody else. Everyone else first, their choices and then, if anything was left, mine.
But I have finally gotten it how important it is to, first and foremost, take care of myself first. How can I do anything for anybody in my lifew if my owns basic needs aren't addressed? Easy answer. I can't! I just end up sad and frustrated.
After losing both my parents a year and a half ago, I feel rudderless. Sometimes the only idea I can formullate is what I do not want to do. But I have also finally learned to put my needs up front. And, i remeber to do that now most all the time. I remind myself that, in the real world, in an emergency, when the boat is going down, what is the first thing they tell you to do, PUT YOUR OWN LIFE-VEST ON FIRST!!! To be there for anyone else, I first have to protect myself. It's a whole lot easier for me when I remember that.
M
My husband and I both choose not to celebrate. Rather, we have a quiet time to oursleves except for getting together with his grown daughter and briefly, his sister visiting. I used to go ahead with a tree, mostly to keep people from exclaiming," Oh but you HAVE to have a tree! "Well, I don't have to. I don't have a problem with those who do, but I am looking at my own wants and needs now. And I do not want one. So now, I fling a nice check to the local foodbank and, I am done.
Why is it so hard to take care of me? To even ask myself what I want and need? Too many years doing what other wanted by rote I guess. I never mattered as much as everybody else. Everyone else first, their choices and then, if anything was left, mine.
But I have finally gotten it how important it is to, first and foremost, take care of myself first. How can I do anything for anybody in my lifew if my owns basic needs aren't addressed? Easy answer. I can't! I just end up sad and frustrated.
After losing both my parents a year and a half ago, I feel rudderless. Sometimes the only idea I can formullate is what I do not want to do. But I have also finally learned to put my needs up front. And, i remeber to do that now most all the time. I remind myself that, in the real world, in an emergency, when the boat is going down, what is the first thing they tell you to do, PUT YOUR OWN LIFE-VEST ON FIRST!!! To be there for anyone else, I first have to protect myself. It's a whole lot easier for me when I remember that.
M
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I so relate to this.....in my case I can feel guilty .....like I'm being selfish or something. Why is it so difficult to put myself first without feeling guilty?
I too relate to perhaps only knowing what I don't want to do sometimes. That is enough to process.
I send you love and hugs. I often find this the most difficult time of year in many ways - the memories of my sister can make it sad and I see other families get together in love and warmth. Though I have to say, folk probably thought that was what was going on in my home. It may have looked like it from outside - but it wasn't.
Sometimes when I have felt rudderless I look back and see that treading water was what I was doing - I needed to tread water and try and just be....and not do till I found my feet once more.
with love,
Karen
The youngest kid got upset because Santa didn't talk to him at the mall so he went to the North Pole to let Santa have it. What he found was the real Santa... old and in a wheelchair... unable to fill everyone's gift orders anymore because everyone just kept wanting more and more.
So the kid walk in on a news cast that was broadcasting that Santa didn't bring any gifts this year and the kid told the story of Santa and wondered if everone could make a commitment to one gift a year. And everyone said they could live with that... and by the next year Santa was healthy again and people realized what the season was about.
I've always enjoyed Christmas and honestly not for the gifts but rather because for me it was a time to give someone special... a unique homemade gift and to really try and live the reason for the season and that is hope. Hope for a better today as well as tomorrow.
For me, I don't know if I will ever be totally down on Christmas... but I won't fall into the trap of what Christmas should be according to commercials or what my neighbors are doing...
I still feel my codependent traits kick in big time during the holiday season in various ways, but I have found my voice when it comes to what this season means to me and how I choose to celebrate it. So, I'm cheering for you here! Staying true to yourself, being authentic, that's taking care of YOU.
Hugs.
I hope you have some magical moments in your very own way, meaningful times with those that mean the most to you.