acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
As I've spent the last year or so taking these tentative, clumsy, halting moves through the Steps, I have been the beneficiary of some tremendous insights that have helped me understand my life a little better.
Step One, especially, has been a source of both grief and comfort. Grief, because I have had to let go of the illusion that I can affect aspects of my world that in reality I have no power over whatsoever. Comfort, because I DID let go and allowed my HP the chance to bring some sanity into my life.
At my F2F meetings the shares often make mention of "stinking thinking" - the distorted thoughts we may have that are not based in reality but instead are rooted in our dysfunctional past. All along - before recovery as well as within it - I have attempted to beat my stinking thinking into submission. Suddenly, today, it finally occurred to me that I AM POWERLESS over my own stinking thinking!
I suppose I was misguided because, although I have become much better at recognizing that I am powerless over people, places and things, the program suggests that the one thing I do have control over is myself, and I proceeded to the natural conclusion that I must therefore have some power over my own thinking.
WRONG!
My stinking thinking, and my inability to change it to something healthier by my own power, is what got me on the crazy train to begin with. I've run the old programs for too long, those thoughts are too automatic, I can't just pop out the old disk and pop in a new one.
But there is hope, and it is in Steps Two and Three. If I can't fix my stinking thinking by my own power, well, I have a Higher Power who can...and will, if I can just turn it over.
Does that mean I just quit trying, stop being aware, sit back and wait for the miraculous change to take place? Not at all! But I no longer have to believe that I'm on my own here - rather, I can surrender to my Higher Power and open myself up for guidance and help and the gifts of new ways of thinking.
I. Am. Powerless. Amazing how much power there is in those three words.
Step One, especially, has been a source of both grief and comfort. Grief, because I have had to let go of the illusion that I can affect aspects of my world that in reality I have no power over whatsoever. Comfort, because I DID let go and allowed my HP the chance to bring some sanity into my life.
At my F2F meetings the shares often make mention of "stinking thinking" - the distorted thoughts we may have that are not based in reality but instead are rooted in our dysfunctional past. All along - before recovery as well as within it - I have attempted to beat my stinking thinking into submission. Suddenly, today, it finally occurred to me that I AM POWERLESS over my own stinking thinking!
I suppose I was misguided because, although I have become much better at recognizing that I am powerless over people, places and things, the program suggests that the one thing I do have control over is myself, and I proceeded to the natural conclusion that I must therefore have some power over my own thinking.
WRONG!
My stinking thinking, and my inability to change it to something healthier by my own power, is what got me on the crazy train to begin with. I've run the old programs for too long, those thoughts are too automatic, I can't just pop out the old disk and pop in a new one.
But there is hope, and it is in Steps Two and Three. If I can't fix my stinking thinking by my own power, well, I have a Higher Power who can...and will, if I can just turn it over.
Does that mean I just quit trying, stop being aware, sit back and wait for the miraculous change to take place? Not at all! But I no longer have to believe that I'm on my own here - rather, I can surrender to my Higher Power and open myself up for guidance and help and the gifts of new ways of thinking.
I. Am. Powerless. Amazing how much power there is in those three words.
For so long in relation to my addictions, I battled to control them. When I surrendered the whole game plan changed. I no longer fight.
I do the same with my stinking thinking - I tend to see my stinking thinking as a habit (possibly a survival technique almost?) that developed to protect myself. It was as if i would automatically use stinking thinking as a way of being prepared and being ahead of anyone who would hurt me - if that makes any sense. I felt safe with my stinking thinking. I would always be on guard and ready to protect myself by seeing the worst and thinking the worst of everyone. That way I would 'get in first' and it would be no surprise when they let me down etc. as I had already thought of and expected the worst.
I now see that that kind of thinking is unhelpful to me even though I do still engage in it at times. I have to say though that it is alot better.
Having a downer on myself for sometimes perceiving myself as failing to get everything right is something I am having to learn to not do.
Other folks are nowhere near as hard on me as I am on myself. As a child I was not allowed to make mistakes. Knocking over a glass of soda would result in harsh words and a slap.
All this stuff takes time. It's a process and often I feel it's only in hindsight that I can see how far I have come and alot of the time it's when loving Alanon members point it out to me!
Sometimes I find it so hard to Let Go and Let God. I can only do my part and then I need to let go and let God....much of that is acceptance! Acceptance that i can only do so much - and that my HP can and does work miracles! (In His time) *smiling*
Thank you for sharing A1. I really relate to your share.
(((big hugs)))
Karen xx
Sorry it took me so Long to Read, but I'm Thinking This is EXACTLY When I Needed to Read it...
I too Very Often Struggle with "Stinkin Thinkin" and its not like I want to be Stuck in that Hole, but Liike you Memtioned My Past is On Auto Pilot most of the time, in less I am in Constant Contact with My HP...
I have Recently TODAY went thru Yet another (Out of My Control) Family Drama, and I went straight to "Stinkin Thinking" that if I Detached From them then the Drama would Stop!!! lol... What A Fool I tend to be... But Instead now they are Attaching those I love ... Sooooo My Old Habits wants me on their door step knockin the piss out of them and the New Me is Ask HP to PLEASE Help me with this, HP's Will NOT MINE! So I am Practicing patience I'm just not real sure how I'm Doing...lol...
YES... I AM POWERLESS def, is a Huge Understatement for the things that Poke My Side Most days, and Knowing that I can KEEP Handing it over does help, but it sure isn't giving me much love their way at all...lol... SO I know I Still have work to do... My HP is a Loving God, and I Just have to get on the Same Page Regardless of where this Person Chooses to be with theirs...
For me it seems Expectations is a Big for me, I Tend to Expect more then what the World can give, and tho I have lowered the bar, I still catch myself getting Stuck in the Muck!!! The "Crappings" as My Al-Anon Friend says... So Much Crap Happening all at once... With No TIme to work My Program before the Next Dive Down the Roller Coaster....
This Program has indeed Saved me From myself On More then One Occassion, and thanks to you all here, and those that continue to come back and share their journeys I am Forever Grateful for their Gift of Program & Sharing thier Journey with me... You Included ((((A1)))) ... I Love your Insight & Honesty, Helps me Be Real with Myself as well....
Friends In Recovery....
1Ness :0)
Recovery is about paradoxes... we gain strength through surrender and power by being powerless