My F2F Al-Anon group is a study group. We base our study on Al-Anon's book, "Paths to Recovery," which explores the 12 Steps, Traditions and Concepts in great depth. (I understand it took the group nine years to go all the way through the book the last time; I joined the group just a couple of months shy of finishing the book and starting it over from the beginning...HP at work or what??)

In any case, we are currently working through the questions presented for discussion & reflection regarding Step Four, specifically in a section headed, "We Begin by Examining Our Assets." These questions, along with the text and questions from this and the previous Steps, have kicked off some incredible shares of ESH within the group.

The thought occurred to me that I could also post these questions to Sanctuary, where we can offer our own reflections and ESH. If you guys think this is a good idea, I can continue to post these questions weekly, giving us all an opportunity to add to our "ESH-base."

This week's question is:

"Do I make friends easily? Why or why not?"

By in-born temperament, I am an introvert, so that means making friends is difficult for me, regardless of how healthy I might otherwise be. But, given my childhood, introversion was the least of my problems.

I am discovering that one of my greatest childhood wounds did not result from neglect or abuse, but rather from over-protection. There is a picture of me, at age three, imprisoned in a playpen. (Who keeps a three-year-old in a playpen?) The look of sadness on my young face still haunts me. My parents were, in a sense, xenophobic - distrustful of outsiders - and couple that with the fact that I grew up in a rural area, meant that until kindergarten I wasn't even fully aware there were other kids my age. Our family's social contact was limited to other members of our dysfunctional extended family, where alcoholism, OCD, and many other neuroses held the day. I wasn't until years later that it dawned on me that other adults had friends outside the family group.

So when I entered school it was like being airdropped into the Chinese countryside. I was all alone in a culture where everyone else "knew the language" (had gained skills in giving and receiving nonverbal social cues among peers) and I was at a loss to communicate. I felt, and was made to feel, like an outsider.

So the only friends I had through elementary and middle school were the other misfits and social outcasts. I was invariably the last one picked for teams for (insert any sport) during PE. I was the fat, bespectacled, geeky kid everyone else loved to pick on and ridicule. Some people who I thought were friends (i.e., anyone who would give me the time of day) wound up betraying me, and this has impacted my ability to be intimate to this day.

Actually, the cliques of high school were a saving grace and a gift from HP. I was musically talented, and marching band was a vibrant and active clique. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I belonged somewhere. I was still as deep in my illness as I ever was - nevertheless, I thank HP for this gift that helped me weather the stormy years of adolescence.

In college I made some of the most enduring and healthy friendships I've had in my life, again thanks to associating with other music majors. We still get together today, over 30 years later, and the love and support among us remains as strong as ever.

My takeaway from this question is this: yes, I had a lot of cards stacked against me in childhood - many of which have substantially sabotaged my ability to enjoy friendships and intimacy - but because of the program, it's getting better. It is taking a long time and a lot of effort, but it is...getting...better.