acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
This week's question from "Paths to Recovery" is:
In what ways am I able to communicate clearly and concisely?
There were some outstanding shares regarding this question. Among the things shared in Saturday morning's meeting were:
- The importance of honestly, including (and especially) self-honesty. We ACs/Al-Anons sometimes had this habit of agreeing with people or telling them what they wanted to hear just to keep the peace. (One member shared that they would say, "Sure, look at that beautiful green sky!")
- A close corollary to the above is being able to operate from reality. I know that my own MO of living in denial so much of the time meant that I was therefore disconnected from reality, and so my ability to communicate clearly and concisely was short-circuited by the very fact that I wasn't sure of my own reality.
- The same word or phrase can have profoundly different meanings - not only literal but especially in meanings that are attached "beneath the surface" - from one person to the next. We are reminded that each person has their own unique map of the world - their personal version of reality - and it can be a challenge to convey my thoughts and feelings to another using this thing called words. It's a miracle we can communicate at all when you think about it!
- Lots of laughter and nodding as one person after another shared how we had had such difficulty even knowing what we felt, needed or wanted - never mind communicating it - when we were so deep in our own illnesses, when our focus was on others and not ourselves. Thanks to the program we are learning to put that focus inward where it belongs, and thus at least have an inkling of what it is we're trying to communicate in the first place.
- I also shared that how effectively I can communicate depends not only on my audience, but the form of communication I'm using. It's more difficult for me to communicate with those closest to me, simply because the emotional stakes are higher, and I am still dealing with trust issues. Especially verbally, I can become either tongue-tied, or ramble on incessantly with no destination in sight. On the other hand, my written communication skills are so strong that I get paid to use them. I guess spending so much of my childhood alone with books as my only companions primed the pump in that regard. And of course we all know how good I am at nonverbal communication (that whole air-dropped into China thing.)
Looking forward to everyone's shares on this great topic. I bid you all peace...
In what ways am I able to communicate clearly and concisely?
There were some outstanding shares regarding this question. Among the things shared in Saturday morning's meeting were:
- The importance of honestly, including (and especially) self-honesty. We ACs/Al-Anons sometimes had this habit of agreeing with people or telling them what they wanted to hear just to keep the peace. (One member shared that they would say, "Sure, look at that beautiful green sky!")
- A close corollary to the above is being able to operate from reality. I know that my own MO of living in denial so much of the time meant that I was therefore disconnected from reality, and so my ability to communicate clearly and concisely was short-circuited by the very fact that I wasn't sure of my own reality.
- The same word or phrase can have profoundly different meanings - not only literal but especially in meanings that are attached "beneath the surface" - from one person to the next. We are reminded that each person has their own unique map of the world - their personal version of reality - and it can be a challenge to convey my thoughts and feelings to another using this thing called words. It's a miracle we can communicate at all when you think about it!
- Lots of laughter and nodding as one person after another shared how we had had such difficulty even knowing what we felt, needed or wanted - never mind communicating it - when we were so deep in our own illnesses, when our focus was on others and not ourselves. Thanks to the program we are learning to put that focus inward where it belongs, and thus at least have an inkling of what it is we're trying to communicate in the first place.
- I also shared that how effectively I can communicate depends not only on my audience, but the form of communication I'm using. It's more difficult for me to communicate with those closest to me, simply because the emotional stakes are higher, and I am still dealing with trust issues. Especially verbally, I can become either tongue-tied, or ramble on incessantly with no destination in sight. On the other hand, my written communication skills are so strong that I get paid to use them. I guess spending so much of my childhood alone with books as my only companions primed the pump in that regard. And of course we all know how good I am at nonverbal communication (that whole air-dropped into China thing.)
Looking forward to everyone's shares on this great topic. I bid you all peace...
I quickly got beat down by my new found feelings and for awhile went back into a shell... I had the impression that people often say they want to hear the honesty until they hear it...
After awhile, it finally dawned on me that I was trying to be honest with some very dysfunctional people. I learned that for me to valve what I wanted to communciate I needed to do it with others in recovery... not those outside recovery. Some folks, have managed the ability to communciate with others not in recovery... I'd rather not... it is at those times I would rather just listen for a bit and walk away.
I'm not a rambler... I say what I mean and mean what I say and I try not to say it mean... and that is that. I find no thrills in long conversations about nothing... and I don't feel obligated to keep conversations going...
When I think about subjects like this I think of the Native Americans and how they had the great ability to say a lot with so few words...
Dave
I CANNOT BEAR HINTS! ARGH!!!!!! I just cannot (or do not) have the will to want to deal with them. I just cannot bear it. For my mother, 'hinting' is a key (primary) mode of communication and I can't tell you how much it p****s me off!! I just want to scream.
Hints unnerve me as I cannot tell what someone is really trying to say. I'm not telepathic but I can sometimes fall into their games of them expecting me to guess what they REALLY want. Argh! Argh!
I do understand that some people hint as they are afraid or nervous to say what they really feel or want and I try to have compassion for that. I think it's the relationship with my parents that I struggle with the most but I do communicate with them straightforwardly for my part I think..
I can tend to ramble when I get nervous or anxious.... perhaps at the Doctor's or somewhere where I can feel very shy and feel that I am taking up the Doctor's time with 'silly' things (which I never actually do in reality !). At those times I tend to write things down so I feel more in control and capable.
It has been my experience that most things can be said in this life, it is the way in which they are said that truly matters. I try to never hurt people.
Thanks (((A1))) !!
For Me, Growing Up Verbal Abuse was at every corner, so I had to Truly Choose My Words at Every Turn, and i had to watch How I Said something because I was then Going to have a "Back Lash" of Verbal Abuse coming back at me, So I Went MANY Years, Hiding In my Own Reality/ False Thoughts & Fear....
When i Hit my Teenage Years & the Bottle, I Turned to Another Person... I ddin't Verbally abuse Everyone I Came in contact with, BUT... If I Felt Threatened or Fear, I Stood My Ground & then I was No better then those that abused me early on...
Like ((((A1)))) I too At Times Catch myself Struggling with "truth" when it comes to the ones I Love, and Now I Can say I don't Care to Hurt Anyone...Verbally or Others wise, but I too do have Slips... (Mostly While Driving...lol..) My Communication has taking on a New Life Since i have Joined this Program just 3 short years ago, I Feel I have been able to Look at ALOT of my Feelings and Help Tweek them Out of the Denial they once were buried in... I Love that the Steps can help me get there... And I Will Say this Christmas was a TRUE TEST of My Recovery...
I have had to Let go of Resentments, & Return myself to the Love that I know I Carry inside... I don't have a Switch that takes me From Love to Hate, and that I am Grateful for, but I Do still Get Hurt by others and their words so I do on a Much Higher Level try and CHOOSE my Words before spouting off...
I Have always been a Rambler, And I have Learned from this Program and my Inside Voice that ALOT of My Rambling was me Trying to Control a Conversation AWAY From where "I" (Telepathicly) (((((Giggling)))) Felt it was going the Wrong way...
(((((Dave))))) I Hope to One Day get to a place were you are when it comes to your Recovery...I hope to be able to "Listen More" without Engaging in the Insanity that my entire "A" Family likes to be apart of... I Will say they ALL have said they have seen a Shift in Me... but you can tell not many are Comfortable with it yet, and that is Not my Problem, but i Feel If I Keep Showing up for Me... Maybe they will start showing up for themselves as well...
((((((Karen)))))) My Mom is Hell for Hints as Well, and I to would LOVE if she would sometimes just Spit out what is on her Mind, My Mom is VERY Insecure with Herself.... As Was I Before the 12 steps came into myself... I'm Grateful I know longer have to OWN what it is They are NOT Saying... Learned that Here ;)
Love the Questions (((A1))) ... Love that they are Differant & Random, for they help me find things I didn't know I was Looking for :) Much Love, Prayers & Hugs to you all....
With Love, Oneness....