acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
I read or hear these wonderful stories of people's recovery journeys, and am especially amazed when they share that they have come to not only accept, but actually embrace, the dysfunctions that brought them into recovery.
I'm not there yet.
I HATE being an Adult Child. I hate what it has stolen from my life. I hate how much harder it makes living every hour of every day. I hate being triggered, when my reaction to something is pulling a wagon behind it with decades worth of old crap loaded on and amplifying my feelings a hundred-fold.
I hate how it has caused me to enter relationships with unavailable and/or abusive people. I hate how I have given away not only my power, but my very identity.
Most of all I hate the toxic shame, that feeling of being fundamentally flawed, defective, an error of the universe.
Having said all that (and, yes, I HAD to say all that), can you believe that I can still trust the program? It is exactly because I keep hearing these recovery stories, and understand that they come from people who have walked a similar path to mine, that gives me hope that it will work for me as well.
So I keep coming back. Thanks for being here....
I'm not there yet.
I HATE being an Adult Child. I hate what it has stolen from my life. I hate how much harder it makes living every hour of every day. I hate being triggered, when my reaction to something is pulling a wagon behind it with decades worth of old crap loaded on and amplifying my feelings a hundred-fold.
I hate how it has caused me to enter relationships with unavailable and/or abusive people. I hate how I have given away not only my power, but my very identity.
Most of all I hate the toxic shame, that feeling of being fundamentally flawed, defective, an error of the universe.
Having said all that (and, yes, I HAD to say all that), can you believe that I can still trust the program? It is exactly because I keep hearing these recovery stories, and understand that they come from people who have walked a similar path to mine, that gives me hope that it will work for me as well.
So I keep coming back. Thanks for being here....
I get angry and frustrated at myself - at the utter lack of self esteem I carry around with me. It hurts, it really physically hurts sometimes.
There is a deep sense of being fundamentally flawed within me aswell. A deep sense of that.
Oh I KNOW my HP loves me deeply but still there is a feeling of being flawed and a sense of' seperateness' if that makes any sense. I get of the push pull of wanting people close but fearing being suffocated.
I am sick of being grateful simply because someone doesn't speak abusively or derisorily to me.
I too trust the program. I trust it because I have had wonderful glimpses of how things can be. I have witnessed it in other people but also have had such glimpses myself within my own experience.
I also trust it because before I had the program, things were a million times worse.
I too trust the journey - I feel I have to. Even with all the pain I can feel, the pain of not having/using my program and also the comfort and sometimes joy of coming into contact with other kindred souls keeps me going. To not feel alone with these feelings anymore..
But sometimes I just want to SCREAM at God. I have now though come to accept that I go through seasons of pain and joy....disillusionment and trust...and I now accept it is human to do so.
You are in my thoughts ((A1)).
((hugs))
K.
At times like that, I do need to look more closely at my past and where I was. I may not be there yet... BUT I'm certainly in a better place then where I was...
Dave
I can say that at this point in my life....I'm not grateful or glad that I am an Adult Child...but I AM grateful that I have awareness and an understanding that all of those negative things that come along with being an Adult Child stem from a time in my life where I did not have control, or choices. I "survived" the best way I knew how as a child. I am no longer a child now, and I have choices about ways that I can take care of myself and protect myself. In that I have the power.
I am thankful that as a result of being an Adult Child, I have been able to really look at things from so many different perspectives, and really look at myself and see where I've been and how far I've come. For me, that's the rewarding part. And the journey continues:)
I thank my HP for those "glimpses." They are enough to keep me coming back.
I Can also Find Myself at a Meeting or Dinner with a Friend, and Sometimes I Just need a Nice Walk in the Woods Away from Everyone else & their Issues, So I Can Truly Focus On Mine...
I'm Glad & Grateful that you Posted this... I think at times I Hide My Disappointments so as Not to Hurt Others, It Took Courage to Put them Here, and I"m Grateful you Did... Way to Work Your Program A1... And Thanks for Sharing this Journey Here with Us...
Sending Prayers Your Way...
Oneness...