acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
So it's been awhile since I have visited this site....this "sanctuary" (because truly this is what it is). Having now been separated for over a year now.....I have been trying to adjust to the "single" life and have begun to date again. I am finding that I am putting way too much energy into the dating life and not enough into my recovery. In some respects, it's easier to focus on the dating thing rather than on my recovery....on the other hand though, this dating thing is def not so much fun....lol.
I find myself looking to others to make me happy. This is soooooo NOT what I want to do!! I want find that happiness within myself and not depend on others for it. Easier said than done, but something I'm working towards.
in therapy, I have been looking back on my childhood a lot....at the environment I lived in, what I was surrounded by....what I experienced and how I coped with it all. It is amazing to me how I still do many of the same things/ feel the same way that I did when I was a child. I do things that I don't even realize I'm doing.......it's all just hard-wired in my brain and I'm not even aware that I'm coping with situations the same way as when I was a child! I want a little warning bell to go off and say, "hey, you're doing it again...you're an adult now..you don't have to think/act that way anymore!"
I find myself looking to others to make me happy. This is soooooo NOT what I want to do!! I want find that happiness within myself and not depend on others for it. Easier said than done, but something I'm working towards.
in therapy, I have been looking back on my childhood a lot....at the environment I lived in, what I was surrounded by....what I experienced and how I coped with it all. It is amazing to me how I still do many of the same things/ feel the same way that I did when I was a child. I do things that I don't even realize I'm doing.......it's all just hard-wired in my brain and I'm not even aware that I'm coping with situations the same way as when I was a child! I want a little warning bell to go off and say, "hey, you're doing it again...you're an adult now..you don't have to think/act that way anymore!"
Congrats... er... I think with dating again. lol...
Seriously though, it is a major growth spurt to go back into dating after a past long term relationship... no one wants to go down the road to the same place... I so much hope that the past is just that the past...
One thing I firmly believe in a healthy relationship is that both folks need their own "alone" time and their own hobbies or friends...
This week I'm going to Hot Springs and was thinking how that would have gone a couple of years ago while I was married... it would have been about making it a fun time for my ex and me being an after thought... I totally lost myself in that relationship...I was the "entertainment" in the marriage... if things were boring or just lazy it was my responsibility to make something happen... instead of me being happy being lazy... I felt guilty that the ex wasn't content...
Sheer craziness for me... and very mentally and physically draining...
But that in itself is stinkin' thinkin' because that mindset means I'm not being compassionate with myself. The fact is, those old ways of thinking have DECADES of reinforcement - physiologically they really are physically burned into the brain (neural pathways.) It takes lots & lots of practice to build new pathways. Progress, not perfection...
I can so relate to what you said. I spent my life looking for someone to "fix" me. Of course, healthy people could easily read those vibes and thus gave me a wide berth, meaning I consistently wound up in relationships with people who were at least as unhealthy as I was.
(Digression) I've become amazed at the way Adult Children can find each other in a crowd without even speaking a word - just by nonverbal cues. That became apparent to me when a newcomer came to one of my Al-Anon meetings, and I immediately felt a kinship with this person before either of us had said a word. She then went on to share her story of growing up in an alcoholic home, and that's when the light bulb went on for me.
Anyway, I always operated with the erroneous belief that there was "Somebody" out there who was going to fix me. I'd get into a relationship, realize that this person was not going to fix me, and so the relationship would die on the vine and I would resume my search anew. By the time I was in my first marriage, I had given up on being fixed, and settled for the loveless and abusive environment that I believed was what I deserved.
It has taken me ten years to come to the realization that NO ONE else can or will fix me; only my HP can do that, and in fact I'm becoming increasingly convinced that the best thing I can do is to keep my own hands out of it and "let go and let God," 'cuz my track record on my own ain't too successful.
Just one more reason that I Keep Coming Back.
i am wondering what i would do if i met someone that really "rang my bell" kinda scary, like am i healty enough to do this right this time??? am i recovered enough to hold up MY end of the relationship, will i be able to handle being separate souls but still 2gether where we should be????? dunno if at my age, i will ever find out, but i wonder......at least you SEE it...awareness is the 1st step...then there is accepting, then action...
gr8 luck
(((Maryn))) Lovely to see you again and hear your wonderful insights!
(((big hug))
Karen xx
Awareness is def the key to change and growth from who I was to who I am not becoming. I am no longer a child. I have choices and I have control. Working so hard at truly believing I have a right to use them now.
I was pondering further on relationships and for me I can really struggle with them - as in fear takes over. For me I have to feel free as a human being in a relationship - if that makes any sense. I don't mean unfaithful re sex or anything like that. I mean I still need to feel I am seperate even though I am with someone in a relationship. I don't want to lose my identity and I also struggle with remembering that i am now part of a team and don't have to fight on my own all the time. (Fight in the survival sense)
I don't know! i find it difficult to explain. Perhaps I'm just weird!!!! I get terrified if I feel suffocated and will run. I am much better now as I feel the person I am with understands me. But I can still get panics! I am learning to settle a bit.
Even the slighest whiff of them suffocating me or feeling I have to explain what I'm doing at every minute of the day just sends me into almost a paranoic spin! (is there any such word *giggle* ). Often I imagine they are trying to control me when they are simply asking me a courteous question...as in .....what are you doing today/tomorrow etc!
*Sigh* It gets exhausting dealing with my head sometimes! *giggle*
K xx