acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
During my childhood, I always felt insignificant. My "role" in the family was to be quiet...be extra good....not make any waves....be..invisible. I acted invisible and that's exactly how I felt. I continued with that role right on up to adulthood....and STILL working towards trying to shed it completely. If I was treated unfairly or poorly, I pretty much kept my mouth shut....maybe because I felt I wasn't worth enough to be treated a certain way. I accepted certain treatment from others because I didn't see the value in myself.
I am beginning to see it now. I am worthy of being treated with respect and with love. I can honestly say that I give that freely to others but have not always received that in return.....and in the past I have accepted that based on what I believed to be because I just wasn't "good enough." Not any more. I can see the value in myself......I'm really the only one that needs to see it....to feel it. For those who do not see it in me......I wish them all the best. No hard feelings....just....See Ya!!! :):):)
-M
I am beginning to see it now. I am worthy of being treated with respect and with love. I can honestly say that I give that freely to others but have not always received that in return.....and in the past I have accepted that based on what I believed to be because I just wasn't "good enough." Not any more. I can see the value in myself......I'm really the only one that needs to see it....to feel it. For those who do not see it in me......I wish them all the best. No hard feelings....just....See Ya!!! :):):)
-M
Well Said My Friend, As I am Told Often, "IT Works If You Work it & YOU ARE WORTH IT" So Good for You!
I Too Growning up could be your al-anon Sister, My Role was alot like yours as well...I was the Middle Child (At the time) with an Older Sister & Younger Brother, and we All were Like Puppets on a String Most of the Time... And as Long was we were Well behaved, we were left alone, but Boy step out of line, and the Firing Sounds went off..Because they didn't want "Me" to imbarress Them... Or their Lifestyle...
It also took me Getting to Al-Anon to See that I was Worth Something, I have made such a Conection with so Many People that My Blessing Grow Daily, and ALL My LIfe I Feared Letting Others In, Due to Fear of Never Living Up too "Thier" Expectations (I thought) they had Of Me! It Is a Pretty Lonely Place to be for 35 Years, BUT I Will say, It took a Catistrophic Relationship Blow Up, To REALLY Learn, How to Set Boundry's and Give Myself Respect, When I Need it too... Something i Never thought I was Worthy of... So Great to come to a Place to Know that I Am Worth it, Even if at times My self esteem is Low, I still No it can always be Restored, when I Take care of & Believe In ME! ....
So Glad your Back & Postin ((((((((((M))))))))) Missed ya :0)
Love, Hugs & Prayers... Thanks for Sharing ...
1Ness...
That is wonderful and yes YOU ARE WORTHY. For me, that awakening was difficult because I too, always felt so unworthy. "Just sit in the corner and keep quiet." And when I heard that message for so long and so often it became second nature. To change that I'm not worthy to worthy was a challenge and at times still a challenge.
You are worthy Maryn and this little Sanctuary proves that. You are welcomed here because you are you... no hidden agenda's and I bet you feel the smiles of everyone when you walk in the door.
On another thread you wrote, "I have to say that I have been absent from this wonderful "place" and it just feels so good, and so right to come back. No pressure,....just a feeling of being welcome." And I bet you feel my smile now...
That gives us value and gives us worth. It is built upon being trustworthy, loyal, and being honest. And thankfully, the members here share that decency with each other because we do have value...
Dave
When is a child not a child? When the child lives with alcoholism But, more correctly, when is a child not childlike? You certainly looked like a child and dressed like a child. Other people saw you as a child, unless they got close enough to that edge of sadness in your eyes or that worried look on your brow. You behaved much like a child, but you were not really frollicking, you were more just going along. You didn't have the same spontaneity that the other kids had. But no-one really noticed that. That is, unless they got very close and even if they did, they probably didn't understand what it meant.
Whatever others saw and said, the fact remains that you didn't really feel like a child. You didn't even have a sense of what it's like to have a child's feelings. A child is very much like a puppy...offering and receiving love freely and easily, scampering,somewhat mishievous, playful, doing work for approval or reward but doing as little as possible. Most important, being CAREFREE. If a child is like a puppy, you were not a child.
Others could describe you in a single sentence, probably related to the role you adopted in the family. Children who live in alcoholic homes take on roles similar to those taken on in other dysfunctional families. But in this kind of family we see it very clearly. Others are aware of it too but they don't recognise it for what it is.
For example....."Look at Emily, isn't she remarkable? She's the most responsible child I have ever seen I wish I had one like that at home". If you were Emily you smiled,felt good and enjoyed getting the praise. You probably didn't allow yourself to think "I wish i could be good enough for them" and you certainly didn't allow yourself to think "I wish my parents thought I was terrific. I wish I could be good enough for THEM" or "Well if I diidn't do it, who would?".
To an outsider looking in you were simply a remarkable little child. And the truth of the matter is YOU WERE. They just didn't see the whole picture.
"And then there's little Margaret, or is it Joan? Somehow I can never really get the name straight. That little child off in the corner. That withdrawn child - the one who never gives anyone any trouble. And the little child wonders "Am I invisible?" That little child doesn't really want to be invisible but hides in a shell, hoping to be noticed, powerless to do anything about it." p5
Dave...I love the fact that there are "no hidden agendas" here:) I feel completely at home here and I'm grateful to be a part of such a wonderful "place" with such great people))))
elinjane....when I read ur post and the excerpts from the book (thank you so much by the way), it really stirred up some powerful emotions for me. I was definately the child who never gave anyone any trouble. The quiet one and I did often wonder if I was invisible. I STILL feel that way sometimes...invisible, insignificant to others. Working on that! In therapy, I'm working towards experiencing those feelings that I felt as a kid and letting them go. work in progress:)))
Thanks everyone:)