acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
Hello everyone....checking back in and it has been way too long since I've been here. Miss the security and love that I find here and feel when I communicate with you.
After being separated for a bit over 2 years, I have fallen in love again with a wonderful man. I realized though that this beginning stage of a relationship, the stage where your insides feel like mush and everything is just peachy, can temporarily mask or take the place of some real issues that still need to be "dealt" with or worked through.
Something that I am working through is the fact that I have such difficulty asking for what I need......sometimes it's as though I am not deserving enough to even ask. Or that I will be perceived as "less than" because I have a need and cannot fulfill it on my own. Being in a new relationship.....I know this is an important thing for me to work through.
In my last relationship, I did not voice my needs....my feelings in general.... because I grew up in a house where the woman (my mother) put up with my father's drinking...all of his negative behavior because that's just what the woman was supposed to do. So that's what I did. Said nothing to stir the pot and cause problems. I did not have any control as a kid on what was going on and behaved the best i could so I wouldn't cause problems.....carried that behavior right on through to this day.
One good thing I guess as a result of therapy, is that atleast now I am aware of it when it's happening....where before, not too long ago...it would happen and I had no idea it was happening until it was too late. Thanks for listening.....so glad to be back:)
Maryn
After being separated for a bit over 2 years, I have fallen in love again with a wonderful man. I realized though that this beginning stage of a relationship, the stage where your insides feel like mush and everything is just peachy, can temporarily mask or take the place of some real issues that still need to be "dealt" with or worked through.
Something that I am working through is the fact that I have such difficulty asking for what I need......sometimes it's as though I am not deserving enough to even ask. Or that I will be perceived as "less than" because I have a need and cannot fulfill it on my own. Being in a new relationship.....I know this is an important thing for me to work through.
In my last relationship, I did not voice my needs....my feelings in general.... because I grew up in a house where the woman (my mother) put up with my father's drinking...all of his negative behavior because that's just what the woman was supposed to do. So that's what I did. Said nothing to stir the pot and cause problems. I did not have any control as a kid on what was going on and behaved the best i could so I wouldn't cause problems.....carried that behavior right on through to this day.
One good thing I guess as a result of therapy, is that atleast now I am aware of it when it's happening....where before, not too long ago...it would happen and I had no idea it was happening until it was too late. Thanks for listening.....so glad to be back:)
Maryn
WELCOME BACK :) Glad to have ya...
Yup... Your House Sounds ALOT like the one I Grew up in as well... And I too followed those same foot steps into my marriage... Thank Goodness for Al-Anon/ACOA... When I got Here & they told me I was Worthy of and Allowed to Speak up and have a Voice, regardless of what others thought or felt, I thought it just couldn't happen because I had NO knowledge of how to begin such a task...
Thanks to the Tools I have picked up along the way I am So Very Grateful, and Amazingly enough it has HELPED my Marriage... It has accually made it Better then Ever Before, because Now I have a Voice, & I am Respected for My Side of things... I'm not going to say we Always See Eye to Eye, but he now respects the fact that his moods are his alone, as mine are mine alone... Its how we work thru it that matters...
I'm Happy for you in finding a New Love, I always tell my single friends that are searching I don't envy them in the least... I could not Imagine starting anew... Its Tough Now adays with all the differant input coming from so many directions, and its isn't about who or what they were... its about who & what they are to you that matters most... Sometimes the Overwelming amount of Input I reciever without Asking is more then I can handle & I have to slowly back away....
My Gut & My HP is my Guide, and at times I think they are One in the same... I'm Grateful for ALL the Awareness i Recieve from this program and the love & Support or peeps that are just like me in so many ways... Your Strength Gives me Strength... and that is something I try not to take for Granted...
Welcome back again... So Grateful you have returned... And with Good News for New Beginnings... ;)
Love, Hugs & Prayers to you :)
Keep Coming back ;)
Oneness...
I believe it takes a strong person to seek help (therapy) and an even stronger person to recognize and work on their needs to become a whole person.
I don't think I will ever feel 100% comfortable with voicing my needs. I'm better then I was but it still ain't easy. Like you said, I feel "less then" when doing so. I consider myself bright and intelligent and the things I need I should get on my own.
By doing so, I keep myself trapped behind walls, not letting others who want to help me with my needs. I robbed them of their spiritual journey. I recognize it and it makes sense, yet I still struggle with just saying, "I need this."
When push comes to shove I always vision, "Baby Dave," who needed so much as a child and never got it. I vision him, as we stand together, he is up to my waist and he's holding my hand, looking up at me, hoping I do for him what he was denied as a child - having his needs met. I will do everything in the world to protect "Baby Dave," and having this vision always makes it easier for me to voice my needs....
Dave
However, this commonality also gives me great comfort. I realize that I am not alone in this (or, as one of the wise and wonderful old-timers in my Al-Anon group puts it, "terminally unique.") That by working a program I can heal this tear in my soul.
I have a long way to go still. Keeping my needs and wants to myself remains my default. I do believe I'm making progress, because I can more readily share my thoughts and opinions than I used to be able to, and it wasn't that long ago that even those were kept buried. (As a codependent, it felt much more natural to get my thoughts and opinions from those I wanted to love me.) Funny thing is, life is much more enriching when I am honest with those thoughts and feelings, for then I am able to learn from others and they from me.
My fear (and that is exactly what it is) of expressing my needs, when I break it down, comes down to a lack of trust. I'm not sure yet which way that lack of trust flows. Is it a lack of trust in others, or in myself? Perhaps once I'm able to answer that question I'll be a step further along the path.
Good to have you back among us, (((Maryn))).
Lovely to 'see' you again. (((HUG))) for you.
In relation to getting my needs met in a relationship. I have noticed a pattern in myself that tends to not speak up at all and then I EXPLODE, want to push everyone away and my partner is left wondering what the hell is wrong with me....as in what on earth happened??? or what brought this on??? Or what did he do???? !!!!!!!
Or, I speak up way too loudly in the first place and feel bad about having voiced my needs in quite such a 'forceful' or demanding way.
I do struggle with this. I need to get a balance.
I still feel I am a creature of many moods and many extremes!
Sometimes I think I expect him to be telepathic too. *smiling*
Once again - lovely to see you!
Karen xx
Maryn