M..... I'm sorry to hear of your ongoing struggles with grief. Anniversaries are especially tough... the weeks and days leading up to them sometimes feels like a balloon expanding - in the gathering of weight - the weight of sadness, harboured tears, reality of loss etc. Grief has a life of its own - and refuses to answer to timetables or specific agendas.

I hope you are able to just go easy on yourself, be kind, gentle, understanding and don't expect too much from yourself. Glad to hear you are back painting - a good sign - a small step forward. I can so relate to you questioning yourself, obsessing, 2nd guessing. I am trying to hand up those things I can't control - surrender, release the worry - and then 2nd guess this - I should be doing more to "control" my outcomes. Inner wars I wage, individual battles, cycles of surrender and automatic reactions of picking up my armour, engaging etc. One step forward is all I can focus on and expect some days. Other days, I try to give myself permission to have no expectations - period. Just veg and rest if that's what I need to do. Putting my own needs first. Yes, awareness is the biggest part of the journey Hobbit..... keep well, be good to yourself... hopefully the garden will be calling you soon and offer you a place of respite and comfort.

Hugs and love,

Thank you Gaye. I'll muddle through. I just sort of stop in my tracks wehn I meet people in puplic who ask how I am doing and my immediate answer is, "Oh fine". And there is that voice in my head screaming, "Fine!!?? Hell no!!!!!" Obviously, I can tell them how I really feel. But I guess it is the emotional tug-of-war in my head that is so unsettling too. Or having to keep it to, as my dear Daddy used to love to say, "As well as can be expected under the circumstances."

It would help to get out in my garden but, unfortunately, though we need the water, I am not thrilled that it has been raining for most of the week. Really raining. I miss getting out. Or going out and getting soaked for my trouble.

How is you garden and your deer family?

Hobbit... I hear you... sometimes it seems that society has become basically dysfunctional on an emotional level. People do not want to hear about grief or life. They do not want to dirty their hands or minds with reality - instead, prefer to live in the pleasure realm - and appearances - which are everything. I've tied myself in knots, again and again... over others expectations, their reactions, their rejection. Today, I feel okay with me. It' okay for me to just be me - rather than try to conform and try to fit into others unrealistic expectations - which always fall flat, regardless, from my perspective. Not that I'm opposed to experiencing joy - it's just not always readily accessible. Not sure if this makes sense at all.... :)

I managed to get outside for a couple of hours on Thursday afternoon - spring clean up, is all. But, it felt good to get outside, closer to nature, sense spring, see the upcoming growth. My deer.... well.... Dee Dee, Fancy Boy and Franscesca have been coming around periodically for apple since February again. Of late, Frankie, the shy fawn, has not been with her mom and brother. I've been bantering with Dee Dee about this... concerned, asking her to bring Frankie around. Today, I find out from a neighbour.... Frankie's died. I'm heartbroken. I don't understand how such a beautiful, healthly looking fawn can't make it. She was the timid one of the two fawns. Kept her distance... which made the gift of her trust even more rewarding . I guess I wasn't meant to get too attached... :( My husband and I were talking over dinner - I know animals experience love - and I wonder if Dee Dee senses her loss?

I'll try to send sunshine your way... :)

ohhhh M..... How I Know what you mean :)

1st I know that 2nd annv well, Just had mine in Nov... and i felt the same way, always wondering, and wanding around on what would be next for me... I had to really trust that HP would help me and that is what got me thru... Well .... That & ALL of You!!!

Yes I believe you will find that ACA of VERY Good at 2nd guessing themselves... I Just Yesterday had to make a Judgement call on something my Nephew had got into.. Now it had NOTHING to do with Me, but I was the only one that could speak to him Mom about it, and for that I have not been spokin to since... I have to accept... She is who she is, and I Did what Could do...Its Caused Tenion on all corners of my "Street" but For his Safety it had to be done... I don't Regret doing it, but the hampsters in my Head Def. Made it hard to sleep...

I have to look at these "2nd guessing" questions and really dig out the underline problems, and i did this with the Problem above... I KNEW she would get mad at me for telling her this, and that she would not see what it took for me to tell her... I KNEW that she would Overreact and Blame Everyone but the Guilty, and I have realized... Its OK... She needs time to Process it, and When its over, maybe she will make amends, and maybe she don't, but what she does from here... Is None Of My Business... I did the best I Could with the Info I was Given...

Just like Gaye Stated, Do the Best you Can to Take care of You!!! and Trust HP... You are a Very Beautiful Person that Deserves to be Happy, Joyous & Free... I Will LIft You in Prayers and we will be here when you get over this hump & thru out... So Hold your Head High and Look at How much you have grown these last 2 years... The Journey Just keeps on Going ...

Love, Hugs & Prayers Always My Friend :)

1Ness =)

((((Hobbit))))
"Hamster head".....I so relate. It can be torture sometimes.
Sometimes I too just want to scream and/or burst into tears. ARGH.
I am so sorry you are still in pain, I truly believe what you are going through is natural. I am so pleased you are painting again. You are amazing. Amazing.
Sending you love (((Hobbit.)))
(((Gaye))) I am so sorry about little Frankie. God bless her beautiful little soul. I find it interesting what you said about some people asking how we are but not really wanting to hear the truth. It can be a very shallow question can't it? Bugs me when people do that. I feel the temptation to go into great depth and detail about how rotten I am feeling sometimes just to annoy them. But it wouldn't would it? Since they're not really listening anyway??? I mean why ask how someone is if they don't really want to know? Strange.

Also, being a very literal and earnest person, if someone asks, I take what they say literally and expect them to really want to know. Of course I sometimes just say I'm fine as I don't want nosey parkers spreading my business around. Guess that's being judgemental......maybe not? Maybe just cautious!

With love
Karen xx

Ahh, Second-Guessing, the official sport of Adult Children (along with Jumping to Conclusions, Running from Reality, and Beating Ourselves Up.)

I won't attempt to add to the profound wisdom already shared concerning grief, except to quote John Bradshaw: "Grief is the Healing Feeling." It's a journey none of us can avoid, and as ACs we have extra grief work to do as we identify and mourn the needs that did not get met in our early years.

I am thankful for this safe and nurturing community where we can share our pain and grief, and grow stronger because of it.

Peace be with you all.

((( Hobbitt )))

I still remember like it was yesterday, your first post on our old board. My jaw dropped... it is hard enough to grieve with the lost of one... but to go through both parents in such a short time... that is to much to handle.

For me you were a symbol of courage and strength to keep moving on... sometimes slowly but to keep moving forward.

Not only did I admire your strength, but I also saw the beauty of your parents' relationship. To part this world so close together... that is a strong and loving bond...

In my thoughts and prayers,
Dave