acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
I went to see my mom last weekend to check in and do some "handyman" stuff. She's doing pretty well, all things considered. The good thing I took away from my visit was that she's open to re-engaging in life. Sunday morning I took her to church, which was the first time she had been since my father went into the nursing home 3.5 years ago. She got so many hugs I thought we had stumbled into an Al-Anon meeting! Then, after the service, she wanted to go out for lunch (again, for the first time in 3.5 years.)
From all I have been learning in my program, I am becoming convinced that I need to ask my mom some probing, family history-sorts of questions at some point in time. Obviously, now is not that time, as she needs to process her grief and get her life reconstituted. However, there are so many things I'd like to know - things I was reluctant to ask while my father was still alive because I believe she would have been reluctant to answer. Mostly it's a case of filling in gaps and pursuing things I'm aware of only superficially.
For instance, I had heard that one of my father's aunts played a big role in raising him, and it was a known fact that this aunt's husband was an alcoholic. Beyond that, where, and how engaged, was my grandmother in his childhood? I know my father and his father had a strained relationship (Grandpa was distant and cold with my father, yet warm and loving with my brother and myself...go figure?) And on a more general scale, just how many alcoholics were there in my family?
That's the thing about family disease that continues to astound me: how our lives can be affected by those who are many branches away on the family tree. I never even met my first wife's alcoholic father, yet my life was profoundly affected by his disease. My father wasn't alcoholic, but he was raised by the wife of one and that dynamic poisoned the well of my own childhood. If other ancestors were in disease, it just goes to show that it really does get passed from one generation to the next.
That's why I take working my program so seriously. Recovery is the thing that stands between a family legacy of dysfunction and its chances of "infecting" future generations. I fathered no children biologically (and for that I am thankful, as they would have been some seriously messed-up kids), but rather I met and married my "forever" wife with her grown kids (that I love with all my heart) after I was in recovery, and now I have great hope that I can pass along my recovery to my grandchildren, instead of my history of dysfunction.
Sorry to have rambled so much - I really wanted to throw this out and ask y'all if you had ever done this sort of family history detective work, and did it help you connect any dots?
Grateful to be here...
From all I have been learning in my program, I am becoming convinced that I need to ask my mom some probing, family history-sorts of questions at some point in time. Obviously, now is not that time, as she needs to process her grief and get her life reconstituted. However, there are so many things I'd like to know - things I was reluctant to ask while my father was still alive because I believe she would have been reluctant to answer. Mostly it's a case of filling in gaps and pursuing things I'm aware of only superficially.
For instance, I had heard that one of my father's aunts played a big role in raising him, and it was a known fact that this aunt's husband was an alcoholic. Beyond that, where, and how engaged, was my grandmother in his childhood? I know my father and his father had a strained relationship (Grandpa was distant and cold with my father, yet warm and loving with my brother and myself...go figure?) And on a more general scale, just how many alcoholics were there in my family?
That's the thing about family disease that continues to astound me: how our lives can be affected by those who are many branches away on the family tree. I never even met my first wife's alcoholic father, yet my life was profoundly affected by his disease. My father wasn't alcoholic, but he was raised by the wife of one and that dynamic poisoned the well of my own childhood. If other ancestors were in disease, it just goes to show that it really does get passed from one generation to the next.
That's why I take working my program so seriously. Recovery is the thing that stands between a family legacy of dysfunction and its chances of "infecting" future generations. I fathered no children biologically (and for that I am thankful, as they would have been some seriously messed-up kids), but rather I met and married my "forever" wife with her grown kids (that I love with all my heart) after I was in recovery, and now I have great hope that I can pass along my recovery to my grandchildren, instead of my history of dysfunction.
Sorry to have rambled so much - I really wanted to throw this out and ask y'all if you had ever done this sort of family history detective work, and did it help you connect any dots?
Grateful to be here...
I like your idea and the need to know premise. I was the same way. I wanted to know how far back the disease went and how it affected my parents. I wanted to know not to excuse my parents but rather to have a better understanding of who they were and why things happened the way they did.
What I learned I already knew... I knew in my heart and my soul but I had no proof but it turned out to be true. I never knew my grandparents but I always believed they were alcoholics... and yes both my grandparents were.
My father's father didn't talk to one brother for over 30 years... huh... I have two brothers that are approaching that timeline... listening to the fights of my parents and the things they would say when they were drunk that they would never speak about when sober taught me a lot.
I do hope your Mom will answer your questions but my own personal experience is that you won't be to surprised... you already know the answers. Again though, from my own experience don't be afraid to ask... it is freeing to find those answers... for me it was kind of like a puzzle trying to put the pieces together and when they do it did help explain a lot for me...
I am so glad you are here
and best wishes on your journey,
Dave
You haven't rambled at all and even if you had have done - no need to apologise. I just write my thoughts down as they are coming out of my head - it's the way it needs to be for me....I kind of like so called "rambles" - they are kind of like conversations to me!
My family is still so full of secrets. I do know that my mother's father was an alcoholic too. My father's father had all the behaviours. Aunts and Uncles and cousins have drinking issues - some openly - others in denial. I remember being very fearful as a child staying with a drunken hungover Aunt once. It was horrible.
There are secrets and untruths re my background - I know this from my grandmother who died. She told me my other grandparents aren't my grandparents and that they are not my father's parents. I haven't a clue. She said - look at you karen, look at your colouring and skin tone - you are from a German background. Really????? Ok. One minute I'm Irish ...the next German. Heavens above! I guess I'll settle for being a child of God and let my crazy family play their games.
I did ask for my own bith certificate - which my mother was hesitant to give me - it did show my parents were my parents, so I don't know why the hesitation. I think sometimes living with shame seems to infect even things that aren't shameful. I have been thinking alot about my shame levels lately. As a child I always felt ashamed. why?????
All very confusing!
The truth and my family just don't go together. I guess there is alot of shame floating around.
I too hope your questions will be answered by your Mum when the time is right. I will keep you both in my prayers. It is lovely and heartwarming to know she is going out and meeting with people and getting lots of hugs. That is so nice.
(((Hugs))) to you A1. You are a blessing.
Karen xx
P.S. Hope the above made sense - my head is anywhere but on my body at the moment!!!!! *groan*
Good for you to play detective when the time is right. Hopefully your Mom will be open to responding to your questions. With deepened understanding, sometimes acceptance is easier. I wish you very good luck with connecting the dots - I understand how unsettling the unknown can be. I know virtually nothing about my mother's family. My Mother was the alcholic (abandoned the family, I was 2). She was an English war bride, and, returned to England and had a 2nd family there. I know she was an only child. But, I don't know anything really about her parents. I don't think either were alcoholic, but don't know? Based on her stated behaviors, I suspect much, maybe even incestual? But, the secrets will forever remain the closet - she passed away many years ago, I really didn't get to know her at all.
Sometimes, I try to ask my Dad things - he is fairly open about the "dirt" on my mother, yet he is pretty vague about many things regarding his own childhood - seems to live in denial - I know he was beaten at least on occasions, and my grandfather was a drinker - now there is a story I'd love to know. I've always thought a huge skeleton has been left somewhere in a far off Swedish closet. Again, no way of knowing for sure.
Like you, I've had none of my own children - what did I know about parenting or bonding? Frightened me to death. Probably best, because I saved some poor souls some sorrow? I do have 2 wonderful stepchildren that I love dearly (and now grandbabies too)!
Thanks for being here A1 and for all your wisdom!
I Too Agree that is GREAT that your Mom was Open to getting back to Church & Spending a Lunch out of the house... I at times Feel so Sorry for My Mother-IL because her Husband died almost 35 Yrs ago, and I have only known her 16 yrs, and i Feel she Went with him... She is Never Happy ... She NEVER Dated again, and up till about 5 years ago, wouldn't go any further then 3 miles past the house in any direction... Now She don't walk outside... We Have Tried to get her to Dinner, Birthday Partys, Holiday Celebrations... But She Has Threw in the Towel, Now Barely Clinging... My Husband says her husbands Death Changed her for the Worst 110%...
The Fact that; your Mom 'This Soon" Jumped Right in there, says alot about her, and how Wonderful that you Shared that with her, those are moments we Can't get Back, and I Know For sure after loosing my Father to this Disease... I Charish Every Moment With my Mom, wether it be Calling her on the Phone just to say HI, or spending the day together...
I Too Believe you have the right to ask, and seek info... I think it is wonderful that we can' take this program, and Grow Like nothing ever seen... I know for Me... I don't have much info past my Gr. Grandparents on my Mom's side... My Grandmas Mom was an Alcoholic of 4 husbands... but my Pap was Raised my "Other Family" and he past when my Mom was 16... And NO ONE ASK the Questions... So Now We will never know that Line... Dad's Side However was PACKED with Alcoholics, and in Knowing that and Learning that, I was able to Accept My Father for Who & What He Came from... Not Just the Disease that took him from me... He was Raised by (2) Alcoholics, and BOTH Gr. Grandpaps were alcoholics... So Why would my Father be any differant...
My Father use to Always Tell Me... "If Your Going to THINK it, Might as Well Spit it Out"... (Words I 'm sure he later regrets...lol..) and He did ALWAYS encourage me to "Ask Questions" Not just in school but in Anything I did not Understand... He always said...." That is How you Learn to be Smarter then Your Ol Man!!! "My Father was Very Well Educated, but he didn't have the confidence to back it up...
So Even tho my Father was An Alcoholic, He did manage to teach me a Couple things along the way that were Good... Can't Say they Over road the Bad, but they were still there... And they are what I Honor him with in My Life, & My Recovery NOW! Because with out Him... I Wouldn't have Ever Found Recovery for myself, and would still be that "Family Doormat" that was intimidated by ALL... Recovery gave me the Strength, To Change My Stars.... As All Of You Give me the Wisdom, to Carry it Out....
Thanks for Your Share (((((((((((((((((((A1)))))))))))))))))))
And Yes... Questions are Great!!! Good Luck...
Hugs & Prayers :P
1Ness
I'm not in any recovery group myself, only reading some books and time to time coming here.
I know that there where alcoholics in my family on both sides.
My father is and alcoholic, he is 61 this year, one is younger brother 50 years old as well. They had another older brother who died on stroke and was alcoholic too. They have as well two younger brothers, they are not drinking and have good families. Those two youngers left home early to go to boarding schools. They both parents were alcoholics. Mother is still alive, she stops drinking as she is not to healthy now.
Thanks for your share, that makes me think about my family tree
My mothers parents were not drinking but two her uncles were have.
Thanks for your share and I hope your mother will help you
Anna