acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
Last Friday I interviewed for the Occupational Therapy master's degree program at one of only two universities in my state with an accredited program. It went very well, and my prayers to be relaxed, confident and authentic were answered in the positive.
Today I got a "thanks but no thanks" email from the school. It says I'm on the wait list, meaning whoever (probably multiple whoevers) got chosen ahead of me has to drop out for me to get in. In other words, I didn't make the cut. This in spite of a 4.0 GPA and glowing recommendations from my references.
It's amazing how quickly the old voices begin to speak. I'm a failure. I'm not good enough. I'm worthless and hopeless. I didn't try hard enough. I'll never amount to anything.
One of the great gifts of being in the program is that of self-awareness. It did not take long at all (this time, at least) for me to recognize the stinkin' thinkin' for what it was: echoes of a voice that is neither real nor right. This setback does nothing to alter my status as a child of God and a person of worth.
Something I've been able to reflect upon in this process is this: it's amazing how stinkin' thinkin' can get caught in a feedback loop. Example: I'm worthless because I failed/I'm a failure because I'm worthless...continue ad nauseum, embellish as required. OMG, this was my default modus operandi for so many years (decades)!
What's funny is that applying my program tools to this situation has freed me up to experience genuine and appropriate emotions surrounding it: anger, disappointment, sadness, disillusionment - all of it focused outward and not inward as it would have been in the past. I can be angry at the faculty, the system, even the "universe," but I don't have to beat up on myself.
I think that today I truly availed myself of the "Feelings aren't facts" slogan.
Something else I would have likely done in the past would have been to pack up my toys and go home. I am currently busting my kiester taking my final two prerequisites this semester, one of them a very demanding research course that includes a 10-page scientific paper. Once upon a time I would have just given up and quit going to class. Today I plan to continue working hard "as if" and, if an opening does not come up by Dec. 8 (the day the window closes), I'll jump through all the hoops and re-apply next year. Long story short, I'm not going to make any rash decisions one way or the other. If I don't make it next year, that will be the time to take a long look and evaluate everything.
I'm just very grateful that I've been in the program long enough to be able to take care of myself in such a real and healthy way. It works if you work it!
Today I got a "thanks but no thanks" email from the school. It says I'm on the wait list, meaning whoever (probably multiple whoevers) got chosen ahead of me has to drop out for me to get in. In other words, I didn't make the cut. This in spite of a 4.0 GPA and glowing recommendations from my references.
It's amazing how quickly the old voices begin to speak. I'm a failure. I'm not good enough. I'm worthless and hopeless. I didn't try hard enough. I'll never amount to anything.
One of the great gifts of being in the program is that of self-awareness. It did not take long at all (this time, at least) for me to recognize the stinkin' thinkin' for what it was: echoes of a voice that is neither real nor right. This setback does nothing to alter my status as a child of God and a person of worth.
Something I've been able to reflect upon in this process is this: it's amazing how stinkin' thinkin' can get caught in a feedback loop. Example: I'm worthless because I failed/I'm a failure because I'm worthless...continue ad nauseum, embellish as required. OMG, this was my default modus operandi for so many years (decades)!
What's funny is that applying my program tools to this situation has freed me up to experience genuine and appropriate emotions surrounding it: anger, disappointment, sadness, disillusionment - all of it focused outward and not inward as it would have been in the past. I can be angry at the faculty, the system, even the "universe," but I don't have to beat up on myself.
I think that today I truly availed myself of the "Feelings aren't facts" slogan.
Something else I would have likely done in the past would have been to pack up my toys and go home. I am currently busting my kiester taking my final two prerequisites this semester, one of them a very demanding research course that includes a 10-page scientific paper. Once upon a time I would have just given up and quit going to class. Today I plan to continue working hard "as if" and, if an opening does not come up by Dec. 8 (the day the window closes), I'll jump through all the hoops and re-apply next year. Long story short, I'm not going to make any rash decisions one way or the other. If I don't make it next year, that will be the time to take a long look and evaluate everything.
I'm just very grateful that I've been in the program long enough to be able to take care of myself in such a real and healthy way. It works if you work it!
You are Definately PROOF it Works if You Work it!
I Too Struggle Terrible Bad with the "Stinkin Thinkin"... And LIke you it was over Decades of Practicing so when I Can Catch it! It is a Beautiful thing!
I have had too so Many Let Downs In LIfe & Since I Joined this Journey, I have been a Firm believer in "Whats Meant to be Will Be!" and when a Failed attempt does not do me justice I Remind myself that HP is in Control, and maybe... Just Maybe... HP Has something Better In Mind! Maybe Not what I had Thought but Still... Something Better!
I had went back to school when I was 23yrs. I had a Small Child in the House & Helped my Husband Run our Business (Which is why a Went back to school) and I tell you it was the best thing I Could have done! Now Mind ya, I'm Still in the Same Job, Doing what I did when I Went, But Knowing that I Could STILL Graduate with the Highest Honors, definately Boosted my Ego A Bit & My Self worth... Which back then was as Minimimal as One could be! I have my Diploma hanging above my Desk & Everytime I Look at it I think to myself "I DID THAT"... Its Good for the Soul...
I have read your Shared Struggles, & Have Heard How Hard you work, and I don't know about your dead line, but I do know that what ever comes your way, You will find a way to make it work! Its what we do! :) Thank you for your Post... I have been Doig some back strokes in the "Stinkin Thinkin" Department & I needed to Hear your Growth! Cause you are Worth it!
Thanks for Being here A1...
Love, Hugs & Prayers the Next best thing finds you just in time!
Oneness...
Sorry to hear your dream has been put on a detoured path. I am a firm believer that when a door closes another opens. NOT saying your original door has closed for good, just saying that from one opportunity more may spring to life...
As I read what you wrote, this stuck out to me,
"It's amazing how quickly the old voices begin to speak. I'm a failure. I'm not good enough. I'm worthless and hopeless. I didn't try hard enough. I'll never amount to anything. "
That was me as well... what hit me the most about it is though you not only mentioned it but you also shared your disappointment.
In my past, I would have heard those messages but no way would I have ever shared that I didn't make the cut. No way. It took me so many years to figure out that by being vulnerable I could do unimaginable things, that made me a more full and spiritual being.
There is no doubt in my mind A1, that good things will come your way and your dreams will be realized...
Wishing you the best,
Dave
So why the closed door now? All I can do is keep right on trusting HP to know best and, in the meantime, try to see what it is I'm supposed to learn. I've been rushing headlong for so long in this process, perhaps it's HP's intention for me to take a step back and wait for direction.
There were some unexpected turns along the way. My job situation improved - I was moved into a different department with significantly better management and away from the extremely sick boss I was reporting to before. We were thinking of moving until we had the house appraised and learned it was so far underwater that we could never sell it.
Meanwhile, the rocket ride continues, at least for another month. I still have to complete the courses I'm in and pull good grades if I'll be re-applying to the program next year.
Through it all, and this bears repeating: I'm going to just keep right on trusting the God of my understanding.
Another saying I like is "Good things come to those that wait."
Keep Chasing those Dreams A1... At Some point.. You Wont be Sorry you did ;)
Thanks for Being here :)
While I was searching for seafood restaurants on my phone, it dinged with a new email message. It turned out to be from the OT graduate school, informing me that there had been "movement on the wait list" and that I have been accepted into the program! The remainder of the drive was pretty much spent with my wife and me continually saying "Holy cow!" to each other.
As we shared the good news with family, we were all discussing thoughts on what this could have meant in the big scheme of things. I shared that I had resolved through this, um, experience that I was just going to keep right on trusting my HP as before. It was also brought up that this situation could have been even bigger in scope, meaning there was something significant in the life of whoever it was who deferred entry into the program that made room for me. We may never know the entire story or understand the reasons why things unfolded the way they did...at least in this lifetime.
And, to me at least, this was wrapped up in a very meaningful way as we celebrated the life of my wife's uncle, who was a retired minister. This was a man who loved people with complete abandon, and who treated every person he met with respect, genuine interest, and encouragement. For the last years of his life he had to deal with the loss of his eyesight and hearing, yet neither his faith nor his love of people diminished one bit. One attendee shared some words of his that I consider to be a true gem, and I wanted to share them with my Sanctuary family:
"Faith is having confidence in the integrity of God."
Wow.
Even when I fear I have lost touch with and trust in my HP. He has proved to me time and time again that He is there.
The thing is I can't seem to always get that through my head at the time. I just wish I knew His plan! *smiling*
I think the fear of abandonment and perhaps feeling I am going to be 'punished' cos I maybe deserve punishment still runs deep in my veins. Kind of a feeling of "THIS time, He won't be there"
It can permeate my life alot....especially if I am exhausted.
I love that quote re the integrity of God. It's beautiful.
Blessings ((A1))