acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
Rosie's powerful and gut-wrenching post about her childhood trauma and its effects on her compels me to share an insight that has played a tremendous role in my own recovery:
We may be DAMAGED but we are not DEFECTIVE!
To use a manufacturing metaphor (choose any widget you like): a defective product is flawed from the outset; improperly made; destined to be scrapped. A damaged product, on the other hand, is an otherwise good product that sustained damage by being mishandled, misused or improperly cared for AND CAN BE REPAIRED.
As Adult Children, we fit the above definition of damaged. We may have even used the phrase "damaged goods" in describing ourselves (and to me that is not a misnomer.) The problem is, we received messages in our dysfunctional childhoods that our child minds interpreted to mean that we were defective, and we have carried those messages and beliefs forward with us. Belief in an inherent defectiveness has sabotaged my life in countless ways through the years.
When I was able to draw the distinction between Damaged and Defective, I saw it as a major epiphany and a big step on the path of self-acceptance. I came to realize that my Higher Power does not make defective products, and therefore I am not defective. What I am is damaged, and like I said above, damage can be repaired.
More good news: we already know how to repair the damage...Keep Coming Back! The Twelve Steps are all about repairing damaged souls.
We may be DAMAGED but we are not DEFECTIVE!
To use a manufacturing metaphor (choose any widget you like): a defective product is flawed from the outset; improperly made; destined to be scrapped. A damaged product, on the other hand, is an otherwise good product that sustained damage by being mishandled, misused or improperly cared for AND CAN BE REPAIRED.
As Adult Children, we fit the above definition of damaged. We may have even used the phrase "damaged goods" in describing ourselves (and to me that is not a misnomer.) The problem is, we received messages in our dysfunctional childhoods that our child minds interpreted to mean that we were defective, and we have carried those messages and beliefs forward with us. Belief in an inherent defectiveness has sabotaged my life in countless ways through the years.
When I was able to draw the distinction between Damaged and Defective, I saw it as a major epiphany and a big step on the path of self-acceptance. I came to realize that my Higher Power does not make defective products, and therefore I am not defective. What I am is damaged, and like I said above, damage can be repaired.
More good news: we already know how to repair the damage...Keep Coming Back! The Twelve Steps are all about repairing damaged souls.
That is so true and it was this metaphor that gave me the name for my first book... there is nothing wrong with damaged merchandise...
Cheers,
As an ACOA I try to lose those messages that tell me I am somehow defective but my goodness it never ceases to amaze me how deeply those feelings run. I can say i'm a child of God and loved but deep down I KNOW I have an absolute struggle to feel I am not defective. Argh!!!!
Sometimes bitter, beliettling comments from my mother ring in my ears like they happened yesterday. That is old stuff I know but the scars are there.
However I feel I MUST move forward and forgive her as she has tried to be kind and loving on occasions - she just doesn't feel love for herself so i guess she struggles to feel or show love to others. That said, i don't have an easy time loving myself but i manage it *smiling*. Aha! Note to SELF !!!!!!!! Karen!!! Karen !!!!! Keep the focus on yourself! keep your side of the street clean and try and treat her with compassion. She is a human being too. For me, it is the only way.
When I get ultra resentful or don't show her compassion and understanding or snap at her, I seem to feel worse myself.
Her father was an alcholic, surely I can have compassion for her childhood - her childhood is never spoken about.
As some of you know I struggle with the term "character defects" in the program. Though i try not to get too wrapped up in semantics I do prefer to see them as my "dysfunctional behaviours". Character defects just seems so strong to me.
(((hugs to everyone!)))
Karen.