acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
As I alluded to in my response to Maryn's "Spot On" thread, I went to Robert Burney's website and poked around.
Just. Wow.
Sometimes we need to have something described or expressed in terms we understand before we truly "get it." That's how I felt when reading Burney's writings and thoughts regarding codependency and inner child healing.
There are many facets to recovery; some are really painful, many are arduous and difficult, but one of the really enjoyable things in recovery is the "A-Ha!" moment, when suddenly a new piece of information is understood and integrated, and then I am able to connect an entire series of dots I hadn't even recognized before.
Robert Burney has presented some concepts of inner child healing that I had not previously considered, yet they make so much sense to me after having read them.
One of the concepts that really struck me is that codependency means, at its root, that I am in a dysfunctional relationship with myself. And in order to improve my relationship with myself, I need to apply the same program tools that I am learning to use in my other relationships: detachment, boundary setting, recognizing choices. That is something I had never considered before.
The core of my codependency is this relentless voice in my head, shouting that I am "less than," a failure, repulsive, unworthy of being loved. That is the voice of my illness, and it sabotages my relationship with myself and, in turn, my relationships with everyone else.
And so it - finally - makes complete sense that I need to be using the program tools in my relationship with myself as I am learning to do with other people. The internal boundaries I set with myself are at least as crucial as boundaries I set with others. I feel as if I have made a significant discovery here!
Recovery may be many things, but boring is not one of them!
Just. Wow.
Sometimes we need to have something described or expressed in terms we understand before we truly "get it." That's how I felt when reading Burney's writings and thoughts regarding codependency and inner child healing.
There are many facets to recovery; some are really painful, many are arduous and difficult, but one of the really enjoyable things in recovery is the "A-Ha!" moment, when suddenly a new piece of information is understood and integrated, and then I am able to connect an entire series of dots I hadn't even recognized before.
Robert Burney has presented some concepts of inner child healing that I had not previously considered, yet they make so much sense to me after having read them.
One of the concepts that really struck me is that codependency means, at its root, that I am in a dysfunctional relationship with myself. And in order to improve my relationship with myself, I need to apply the same program tools that I am learning to use in my other relationships: detachment, boundary setting, recognizing choices. That is something I had never considered before.
The core of my codependency is this relentless voice in my head, shouting that I am "less than," a failure, repulsive, unworthy of being loved. That is the voice of my illness, and it sabotages my relationship with myself and, in turn, my relationships with everyone else.
And so it - finally - makes complete sense that I need to be using the program tools in my relationship with myself as I am learning to do with other people. The internal boundaries I set with myself are at least as crucial as boundaries I set with others. I feel as if I have made a significant discovery here!
Recovery may be many things, but boring is not one of them!
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Though I get on with people - often I want to hide away on my own little Island away from them and just be with my HP. I get tired. Alot of the time it is due to boundaries with others. I feel safest with other Acoas. They seem to understand the concept of not wanting to be 'suffocated'
I did Burney's Codependency self inventory scale - and got 76 out of 88 which he states is HIGH. *groan*
I don't know, I seem to have times - sometimes quite long periods of time when I progress well in the program (and my score would probably be very low) and others, where I seem to be back at square one!
I guess I need to apply those boundaries to myself and not allow myself to treat myself with such harshness and disdain at times.
I just get tired of people and feel the need to run. Ugh! My own boundary settings with others goes from setting healthy ones to TOTALLY over-reacting! Ugh again!
Oh well. Progress not perfection. Hope that share made sense - am tired. *smiling*
Love to everyone!
Bradshaw believes that every addiction, whether it is alcohol, gambling, eating, sex, all of them are a secondary illness... the primary illness that caused the alcoholism, the over or under eating, the sex... all of it started with codependency.
And yes A1, I battle it constantly... not so much anymore with others... just with myself... it is amazing how I think I can be having a good day and all of a sudden some internal voice from the past will drop in from nowhere and have me running for cover...
I do believe at the root of all my issues is codependency and it is something that I can't just take for granted...
I chuckled at your last sentence... recovery to me IS boring... that is what I want - boredom... my life of insanity was constantly filled with drama... oh how I want that boredom and the Silence...
I have to say that one of the best things that my first AA sponsor did for me was to tell me that OK "karen! You're now on your own" (after having done my step 5) EEK! WHAT???? U bring me this far and then tell me I'm on my own????? God! What a horrible person.
Of course as she explained - I am never really on my own but it is vitally important that my strength comes from my HP - my HP is my best Sponsor. Her advice - which I thought was so harsh at the time has proved so true. Never put another human being on a pedestal. Yes, no person is an Island but a deep inner reliance on my HP was what she wanted for me. I am so grateful for that. So so grateful.
She was not of the ilk that Sponsorship is a lifetime sentence either! *giggle*.
Of course she, like most other members are there if I feel the need to chat about something that may be troubling me but my ultimate reliance had to be on my HP. ...not on other people.
At the time though I hated her for saying that to me, I today am truly thankful to her. I learnt it was OK to make mistakes and to also learn to trust myself....
Karen xx