acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
This summer semester I'm taking Developmental Psychology. Aside from the rigors of having a 16-week semester crammed into nine weeks (ever drink from a fire hose?), I'm doing well in the class.
Even so, I'm finding myself being emotionally strained. That is because this class focuses on "normal" human development - what should happen, and when, to give a person a chance at living a reasonably healthy, happy life. Learning about such things in detail is showing me just how much I was denied, and I can sense the growing sadness and resentment inside as the realizations become more clear.
I've posted before on a lot of the AC factors in my family of origin: emotional chaos, "no-feel" rules, lack of validation, etc. Another factor that has become clear to me is how I was denied the opportunity to experience peer socialization in early childhood. My parents were always overprotective of me (forbidding participation in sports, for example), and likewise kept me from other children my age (2-4 years old) when it is vital for the socialization process to spend time with peers in early childhood. As a result, I never learned how to read, understand and respond appropriately to social cues (body language, etc.), which in turn led to my being the victim of bullying in later years. Small wonder I have gone through life feeling alone and having major trust issues.
Is it a coincidence that this new information is coming into my consciousness as I'm preparing to do my first Fourth Step inventory? (For the record, I do not believe in coincidence - hard to resolve such a belief with a belief in a Higher Power, lol.)
Even so, I'm finding myself being emotionally strained. That is because this class focuses on "normal" human development - what should happen, and when, to give a person a chance at living a reasonably healthy, happy life. Learning about such things in detail is showing me just how much I was denied, and I can sense the growing sadness and resentment inside as the realizations become more clear.
I've posted before on a lot of the AC factors in my family of origin: emotional chaos, "no-feel" rules, lack of validation, etc. Another factor that has become clear to me is how I was denied the opportunity to experience peer socialization in early childhood. My parents were always overprotective of me (forbidding participation in sports, for example), and likewise kept me from other children my age (2-4 years old) when it is vital for the socialization process to spend time with peers in early childhood. As a result, I never learned how to read, understand and respond appropriately to social cues (body language, etc.), which in turn led to my being the victim of bullying in later years. Small wonder I have gone through life feeling alone and having major trust issues.
Is it a coincidence that this new information is coming into my consciousness as I'm preparing to do my first Fourth Step inventory? (For the record, I do not believe in coincidence - hard to resolve such a belief with a belief in a Higher Power, lol.)
Through my years in various 12 Step fellowships I have come to love certain sayings that others have freely given me, whether it was one on one or in a group. One such message I heard when we were on the other board and it was Karen who turned me on to it and that is "there is to much coincidence to be coincidence."
I have a strong belief that people come into our lives, not by chance, nor coincidence, but by a gift. Whether it is a person, place, or thing... it enters our lives exactly when it is suppose too. I strongly believe that.
It sounds like a fun course to be taking... not only are you learning about others but also yourself and that, to me, is priceless.
When I first sobered up, I made a commitment to myself that I would only see a therapist who was an alcoholic themselves. Well it didn't turn out that way... my first therapist was an ACOA.... and at that time I had no idea what an ACOA even was. It was because of her that I began to see things in a very spiritual way and she was a die hard believer in the 12 Steps. She was my guide through them and she gave me many suggestions for my fourth step. I felt so close to her that it just felt so right doing my 5th step with her.
As I read through my list it was getting harder and harder to not cry and it all broke free when I said my last "sin." The way I worded it and said it made me feel less then human (horrible messages from my childhood) and that was when I realize how much power my HP had. She made me feel like a human being.... one that could be forgiven.... one that could grow and one that was ready to start a journey of a lifetime.
I look back at it now and wonder.... coincidence? No way... not for me... it was divine intervention.
For the record, after that session, I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders... I felt alive... I have some very wonderful memories with my fourth step... burning bush memories...
I wish you the best
Dave
No! I don't believe it's a coincidence either! Even though dealing with the intense feelings of grief at what you never had is proving so painful and bringing up stuff - it is my belief that the timing could not be better! *smiling* HP's timing *smiling*
Yes dave! It is often only when looking back that i see that there were far too many coincidences for it to be coincidence.
A quote I heard the other day which struck me very very deeply was that perhaps a normal loving childhood can be as damaging in some ways as a damaged dysfuntional one. I thought WHAT!!!!!! NO way.
Then, I pondered......having the childhood I did has made me strong. You are strong too A1.
I heard on the radio the other day a quote from an interviewee who lived in the roughest toughest part of Cape Town in South Africa. He said "What you call hell, I call home". It really struck a chord with me.
I wish you all the best with your Step 4 Inventory - I loved doing mine. Yes, it did bring up anger and all kinds of emotions but it gave me a huge sense of freedom and relief. I know not everyone feels that immediately but the sponsees I have worked with have always felt it a some stage.
(((Big Hugs))
Karen xx