acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
My husband and I were having dinner out this week. I mentioned to him that I had not been to that side of town for two years practically. It was where my parents lived. He paused and said he wanted to tell my something but wasn't sure if he should. But that he'd driven by my parents house last week( we'd sold it after thay died) and it was gone. Torn down to the ground. The news owners are probably building a McMansion.
Now when we had the house up for sale, my sister and I talked about it (we were speaking then) and our wish was that someone buy it ands tear it down. But hearing the reality of that was a shock. I felt numbed by it. On one hand my parents dream house won't have anyone else living in it. On the other hand my parents dreamhouse it gone. I am still trying to process it. Still don't know how I feel about it.
Now when we had the house up for sale, my sister and I talked about it (we were speaking then) and our wish was that someone buy it ands tear it down. But hearing the reality of that was a shock. I felt numbed by it. On one hand my parents dream house won't have anyone else living in it. On the other hand my parents dreamhouse it gone. I am still trying to process it. Still don't know how I feel about it.
I So Get those Feelings... My "Origanal" Home place I Left when I was 9 when my Parents split, I loved it, my Gr. Grandfather built it from the ground up, and just knowing that made it feel more like home...
When my Afather lost it to his "Then" Cocaine habit, We were ALL Devistated, when he lost it the back took it back over, and sold the house with just 1 Acre... There was over 100... The House went to a lady that Completely Destroyed Everything in the place, Last year it was Condemmed... I Often Prayed that they would burn it to the ground, and I know even if that does happen, then a piece of me will have to go with it... When I Find myself in troubled times, for some reason, I like the comfort of knowing I Can "Drive by" just One more time... I can't imagine what it will feel like when it is Gone from Sight... But Honestly, what this women did to the place is just Unbelieivable on so many levels... My Heart Hurts terribly Now just seeing its condition, so I'm guessing when it does crumble it surely couldn't feel much worse...
I will send a Pray for you that you find Acceptance but in a Good Way... A Way that Brings you Peace, and Remember... Your Memory's of that Place is IN YOU... Not In The Home itself... I Remind myself that often... Love & Many Hugs Coming Your way...
Oneness...
I experienced something similar a few weeks ago. After my divorce in 2000 I rented the basement of a family's 60s-era ranch house. Nothing squalid but nothing luxurious, either. It was functional and inexpensive. But it was significant to me because it was there where I hit bottom and then began recovery. Anyway, I was in the area a few weeks ago and thought I'd just swing by to have a look....and it had been razed to the ground.
After processing the initial shock, I realized that my memories had not been diminished with the absence of the physical structure. Even so, it drove home to me just how strongly we tend to attach memories to not only locations but objects - in this case, a house.
Especially when memory-laden houses are part of the web of memories that involve family of origin, it can be unsettling when they are torn down (or radically changed.) Yet I would submit that tearing down and radically changing the perceptions of our memories are part of what we as Adult Children need to do as part of our healing, and so, in a way, I would welcome it as a reminder that I am not stuck in that place any longer.
Thanks for the share, Hobbit - as you can tell, it has sparked some contemplation in me.
When my father retired, he became a teacher and we moved to that area, and they built their dream house. They both died in that house. In theri beds, over looking the ocean. That house was a part of them. It feels like going through their deaths and scattering their ashes all over again.
For my part I try to never become attached to anything - property or people. I think alot of that is due to fear - as in I feel they are going to abandon me at some stage anyway.
Ironically I think that what was basically a decision based on fear has turned out to be one of the greatest blessings I have. It seems to have driven me more and more into the hands of my HP.
His love is unending - though sometimes I shout at Him LOADS. Usually when i have lost sight of the Big Picture...which can be quite often!!!
Karen xx
This brought back a flood of memories for me as well. My first marriage, the ex and I bought a home dirt cheap. It needed a lot of work and it was where I began to learn handyman traits with this house. I rewired it, replumbed it, made a three room addition as well as an office.... in the ten years I lived there the house doubled in size and the yard was well taken care of.
I learned a lot from that place and the gifts my HP gave me to do things. All of the work I did on that house, I did myself and I felt a strong sense of kinship with that house.
The house sat out in the country, surrounded by corn fields and silos... when we got divorced we sold the place to the owner of all the land around us. It wasn't long at all that the house was razed and it had corn growing on it.
The first time I road past it (the only time) it felt like part of me left that day. In a way that house represented part of my creativity and since it was gone I felt like my mark in this existence died.
Homes... from childhood to adulthood hold so many memories for us. For me, I can't help but have assorted feelings when I think of those places.
In 2006 I went back to New Jersey and saw the house of horrors I grew up in, the memories were a little different because I could still see the house in front of me. Yet, a house I built is gone... it did hurt me for quite awhile...
Dave