acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
I ran into an old aquaintance last week who I hadn't seen in years and years. I mentioned to her in passing that I was going on a *gulp* cruise later this year. It's been a dream of my husband's to travel and I told her that I'd lost both my parents two years ago and felt finally ready to try it.
Her eye got very wide and I went right on to say that thay's died two weeks apart nad it was the best thing for them after 64 years. And then I had a copule of horrendous days. I started thinking of them, and what I'd said and I realized, this was now my pat phrase when I tell people I lost them.
But I also realized that it doesn't expressed in any way my feelings. I realized that I had, on some level, told myself that it's been two years and I'm moving on. And in donig that, had cut off and pushed down the rest of my grief. And when I realized that, I also knew that I had barely scratched the surface of the grief. And that I was about to explode with it.
Yes, it is what I do. I'd been letting go of some of it in small, managable bursts, for fear of total collapse. but I was no where near done with it. Just beginning was more like it. And I had fallen back into my ACOA habit of stuffing my feelings. I had not even been aware.
I had an e-mail from a friend back east, to whom I'd mentioned I was having a rough week. She told me that she hadn't even begun to process her parent's deaths. And this was years ago. Many. So I guess each one of us does their best and for me this was going to be part of my journey. Forever.
It just amazes me that after working towards recovery for so long I can still absolutely fool myself into going right into toxic behavior. I caught it though. And before my head exploded. So I guess I'm making progress.
M
Her eye got very wide and I went right on to say that thay's died two weeks apart nad it was the best thing for them after 64 years. And then I had a copule of horrendous days. I started thinking of them, and what I'd said and I realized, this was now my pat phrase when I tell people I lost them.
But I also realized that it doesn't expressed in any way my feelings. I realized that I had, on some level, told myself that it's been two years and I'm moving on. And in donig that, had cut off and pushed down the rest of my grief. And when I realized that, I also knew that I had barely scratched the surface of the grief. And that I was about to explode with it.
Yes, it is what I do. I'd been letting go of some of it in small, managable bursts, for fear of total collapse. but I was no where near done with it. Just beginning was more like it. And I had fallen back into my ACOA habit of stuffing my feelings. I had not even been aware.
I had an e-mail from a friend back east, to whom I'd mentioned I was having a rough week. She told me that she hadn't even begun to process her parent's deaths. And this was years ago. Many. So I guess each one of us does their best and for me this was going to be part of my journey. Forever.
It just amazes me that after working towards recovery for so long I can still absolutely fool myself into going right into toxic behavior. I caught it though. And before my head exploded. So I guess I'm making progress.
M
And enjoy your cruise. There's nothing like it!
And then there are these types of encounters that can leave one breathless because of the flood of emotions they bring. It's like the blinders come off and there is just a bit clearer vision.
Speaking for myself, I don't think there is a time limit for grief, no magic date on which life resumes back to normal. In fact, it will never be that kind of normal again. A new routine evolves over time, but the void is always right there.
Moving on doesn't mean that we leave the memory behind. It just means we put one foot in front of the other each day to somehow gain ground.
And yes, progress. Baby steps.
I too get to that point as well with my Dad, I miss him so , and it is Tough realizing that the next time will be in Heaven, but something that I have noticed, that seems to Help me or should I say... Allows Me... To except more grieving is when i am sitting at home, I have no Ties, phones off... and I sit down and go thru an old Photo Album of the Old times... I Just did this 2 days ago, I sat down, I went thru them with HP... I have a Great Cry... I Even Managed to laugh out loud at some of them... No It didn't bring him back... but it sure helped me get thru a tough spot, and tho the day was givin to me doing nothing but going thru old pics... I walked away feel Good about How Far I have come from were I was Before he Left....
I will be sending Loving Prayers your Way, Please Know you are Not Alone...
Hugs.... 1Ness
Some wise words have been said which I really can't add much too. I totally agree that no one can just put a timeline on grieving. I do think to do so is burying our feelings and denying that part of us that needs to feel it all.
I am constantly humbled with little "hiccups" in my life that remind me that recovery has no final destination... it is just one steady journey. At times, I am grateful for these hiccups because it shows me that I do not know it all and that I still want to learn more...
I do hope you enjoy your cruise...
Dave