acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
For most of my life, my happiness depended upon events, circumstances and other people. I relied on others to make me feel happy.....I gave people and events the power to control my happiness. Sometimes I would plan something...a dinner party, or getaway just so I could have something to look forward to and be happy about. As a people pleaser and "controller," I realize that one of the reasons I tried to please was for people to like me...respect me...accept me...which in turn made me "happy." When in a relationship with someone that I really liked..... if they liked me and showed that they liked me,......I was "happy".....if they didn't, well....complete devastation. I remember that I always felt separate from my happiness.....not really connected to it. I was happy, but I didn't really own it.
Lately, things have started to change for me. Difficult to describe really, but I feel a sort of peacefullness inside. I feel happy...and I almost want to put a question mark because it's a different feeling for me.....lol....but it is a feeling that is coming from within myself. Not connected to an upcoming event, or from another person. It feels so different compared to how I have experienced it in the past. For now, I want to just enjoy the feeling.....I still have my days when it's hard to get through...but for now...for today, I'm going to enjoy it:)
Thanks for reading:):)
Lately, things have started to change for me. Difficult to describe really, but I feel a sort of peacefullness inside. I feel happy...and I almost want to put a question mark because it's a different feeling for me.....lol....but it is a feeling that is coming from within myself. Not connected to an upcoming event, or from another person. It feels so different compared to how I have experienced it in the past. For now, I want to just enjoy the feeling.....I still have my days when it's hard to get through...but for now...for today, I'm going to enjoy it:)
Thanks for reading:):)
That is great and I am happy for you! For a long time, I almost got paranoid when I got happy... I always treated it like it was the calm before the storm. If I was happy... then down the road bad things were going to happen and it would be worse then the happiness I had at that moment.
Awhile back at an AA meeting I heard a pretty profound thought on happiness and it really stuck with me. This guy was talking about how others told him that he deserved happiness. And he said that isn't what he deserved. He said he deserved many years in jail. He said if he spent a week in jail for every time he drove drunk... or got into a fight... or shamed his wife or kids... he would be in jail for the rest of his life. He said that is what he deserved.
He added that he didn't deserve happiness... but he chooses to be happy... to embrace happiness and to live with it.
That really has stuck with me. It is very true. I have a choice with how I feel with certain emotions and I do chose to be happy... to enjoy and to embrace it and I do believe my HP is happy with that choice...
Dave
The theory is that happiness is the natural state of being human. Obstacles to happiness come into our lives and prevent us from being in that natural state. In a sense, that's what we're all trying to do in recovery: using the Twelve Steps and other program tools to remove those obstacles to happiness that our dysfunctional childhoods (and our own unhealthy choices) have put in the way.
Or, more to the point, admitting that I am powerless over those obstacles and counting on my HP to remove them.
Thank you for this Post... I could have wrote that First Paragraph Myself...And Today was a Great Day to Read it :0) I needed to be Reminded of My Choices when it comes to My happiness... I think I get so Use to Settling for "Content" that I Forget Happiness is an Option, I Do Love to feel Joy & Happiness... I Just think at times I Hold myself back in fear of the Guilt I will feel for having it...
Truly is "Sick" the thoughts that Run thru the Mind of an ACOA... I know for me anyway... When I Begin Pealing back the Layers of my Onion, at times All I Can see is the Rot... But when I Stop... And Remember every emotion, every feelings is brought on by My Own Free Will... I Could see the Beauty in the layers of Its Flavor, Even if It still Taste Bad....Which doesn't make it seem so Out of Reach,,,
Enjoyed All 3 of your Post, & Needed to Hear & Feel Each of them... So Grateful for you all...
Much Love & Hugs to ya's
Oneness
But yes! I love that take on it - that happiness is the natural state of human beings and the value of the 12 Steps in achieving / re-achieving it. That does give me such hope and also almost gives me permission to be happy!
I often have felt a kind of guilt and also can create my own sense of impending doom when I feel happiness - so i kind of minimise it to 'contentment'.
I am going to look at my own rather questionable tactic! I need to ponder why am I afraid to experience the full thrust of GOOD emotions that God gave me?Why do I hold back so much from this happiness in its full glory?? I think I am worried about the come down afterwards - but that is me still living in fear isn't it?????Thank you for mentioning it! Much pondering and growth to come yet!!!!!
(((Maryn))) and everyone, thank you for the beautifully uplifting shares.
K xx