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I am married to my best friend. We get along on almost all counts. The one area that I can't fix is our sex life. He doesn't want to have sex - ever. I know he is not cheating on me. I miss romance. I miss sex. I have had relationships that was all about sex and nothing else and I wasn't happy. I now have everything else just not sex. Does this mean I am just not happy no matter what? I don't want to lose my husband what do I do. Never have sex again? Feel unattractive because my husband doesn't see me this way? I feel lonely in this area.
When this problem started I tried to give him space to try and work this out on his own terms. All that did was push sex further away. I have not pushed for sex in 3 years. Each time I bring up the topic he treats it like there is nothing he can do. Maybe that is true - maybe it isn't. I know that when he asks me to work on something to improve our marriage I do it. I do it because my marriage and his happiness is important to me. I know he loves me. So why not try even if he is just trying just for me.
When this problem started I tried to give him space to try and work this out on his own terms. All that did was push sex further away. I have not pushed for sex in 3 years. Each time I bring up the topic he treats it like there is nothing he can do. Maybe that is true - maybe it isn't. I know that when he asks me to work on something to improve our marriage I do it. I do it because my marriage and his happiness is important to me. I know he loves me. So why not try even if he is just trying just for me.
Perhaps, you ask him to go to a therapist to find out what is causing this refusal to have sex. It could be physiological or psychological. So perhaps going to a urologist may also be a good idea.
There is no reason why you should feel undesirable because he does not want to be physical with you. His lack of sex drive has nothing to do with you, as a person. Attractiveness is an inside job, perhaps you could work on regaining your self worth where it does not hinge upon how others see you or not see you, for that matter but how you see yourself: whole and complete.
However, you say that he is your best friend and that he loves you, but my question to you is: Do you love yourself? How important is sex for you? If it is important why would you remain in a marriage where you are not getting your needs met?
Are you willing to live a platonic life with your husband and deny yourself so that you do not lose him? We sometimes, think that making sacrifices is the answer but eventually, it starts to wear us out and it begins to erode our lives. When we love ourselves, we make decisions based on what we know is important to us. These are not selfish choices but necessary choices as painful as they may be.
While sex is an option and not a need, perhaps you could find a way to be intimate without having to be sexual. So perhaps, you could ask him to be affectionate and not sexual, affection is important to our well being while sex is optional.
In a nutshell, having a heart to heart talk with him is what perhaps what will be able to allow you to decide where you need to go from here.
Hope this helps,
Wolf (celibate since 1998)
Was hubs sexual with you before you married? The two of you need to have a serious talk about this. I personally would not stay in a sexless relationship unless my spouse were stricken with an affliction that would rule out sex. Otherwise, I think it's wrong for one spouse to make the unilateral decision to simply discontinue sex.
After your conversation, you may have to bring him to the dr. to address E.D. and any health issues that might be contributing to this. A few visits to a marriage/sex counselor might be appropriate, too. Also, make sure to rule out that he isn't just masturbating to porn. That's a really selfish thing to do if he's engaging in that behavior and denying you.
As an aside, I understand that there are many couples out there who are not into sex at all and I think that's fine.
Please keep us posted...
Reading these posts, I wonder about true happiness in a marriage.
On one hand, if a marriage is a great one (no major problems other than no sex) it shouldn't be defined by "getting needs met". It should be about the love for each other and what you will do for your spouse because of that love.
On the other hand, I've been feeling the loneliness set in. My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. No children (but 1 miscarriage). We do want children very much. Thing is, it seems we are living in a sexless marriage. I understand that some of the medications he is on may be causing some of the lack of desire and that his age may be a factor (41). I have talked to him and he says he is not depressed and still finds me attractive. But he won't take meds to help with getting and keeping an erection and doesn't even seem to want to go to the doctor. What else can I do?
It's gotten down to where we only have it every two weeks or so, and even then I feel guilty for bringing up the subject.
I show tenderness, patience, love, and understanding, but I'm getting pretty depressed.
I could turn to another woman, without a problem where I live, but don't want to go that route.
She doesn't have anyone else or anything.
She refuses to go to therapy.
I was a once a day kinda guy.
Help for all of us..
What I suspect in your particular case is some kind of hormonal imbalance coupled with depression. What you need to understand is that a hysterectomy is a very traumatic procedure, it implies that she will no longer be able to have children, that her life as a woman has ended because that is what society has told her, her role is.
Of course, it does not mean that but that is the belief, perhaps you could tell her that going to therapy will actually be beneficial for her as it will ease her anguished beliefs and as a result she would feel much better but it does not imply she will resume the frequency of the sexual activity.
However, I would like to bring something up, while it is true that a married life includes a sexual component, it is not your wife's duty to provide it for you. See the difference?
If she is still providing you with it but with less frequency, I do not see the problem. Yes, it may have been once a day once but life changes, you know? What if instead of every two weeks, it would be never? Would you still be with your wife? Or would you look for someone more in tune with your once a day routine?
A marriage entails adjustment to life changes, many couples suddenly find themselves sexless and while some seek other ways to provide love and tenderness in a non sexual way to their spouse, others simply focus on what is no longer there.
What I am saying is this, it is obvious that something is going and your wife needs support and understanding, therapy and a doctor's visit may also be a good idea to ensure her hormonal levels are a safe level. You could try and explain to her that therapy is not what it was once, it does not mean that she is crazy but that she would benefit from discussing issues that she cannot discuss with you with an impartial party so that she can be happy.
Or you could always offer her an ear without having to tell her what to do and be prepared for whatever she has to say without taking it personally but instead find a way to work it out with her for her benefit not yours. That is also part of being married: compromise
Wolf
so - what I would prob. do, is ask him, gently and maybe a lil indirectly, if this is what's going on. if u think it is, then he could see a therapist about it. he may have some early trauma he's never integrated, which left him with this kind of sexual obsession about just one thing, or a few things, that have nothing to do w/a real-life partner. u could try asking him, if he was single and could do anything in the world sexually that he wanted, what would it be?
or maybe he's hooked on masturbation, that could be a fetish in itself. I once knew a guy who just loved masturbating, and not to porn, and not because he was in love w/himself, but he just really liked it a lot. I suspect your husband has some "forbidden" desires of some kind, and is ashamed to tell u about them. if he does tell u, and ur ok w/acting them out with him, then u 2 could be having sex again, but it wouldn't be the normal, healthy kind of sex which I think is what you are missing so much. so a therapist - maybe a sex therapist maybe - might be helpful.
I saw a movie not long ago, where a teenage girl was gang-raped very traumatically, and after that the only thing that turned her on was to re-enact the rape as much as possible during each sexual encounter she had. she'd tell her partner "TRY to kiss me," so she could fight and resist this, just like happened in the rape., and so forth with other sexual activities. it's pretty common 4 someone who's ever been sexually abused - and your husband might've been, sadly, way back in childhood maybe - for this person to become fixated on the sexual activity from the trauma, because it was so intense at the time. especially with child sex abuse, the person's entire sexuality may have been "jump-started" at a very early age, say by a stranger touching him a certain way, and this becomes forever etched into his sexuality as the first (and now ONLY) thing that feels sexual to him.
I once dated a guy long ago, who, first of all, had to be drunk all the time, and I could tell it was because his sexuality plagued him. he kept asking me to reach inside his pants as though they were a diaper, things like that. he'd finish as soon as I did this, and I don't think we ever actually had sex. he needed to do this really often, like every hour or so, and would pull over the car and ask me to do it, really often, like the ENERGY and INTENSITY from his apparent babyhood sexual trauma was just eating at him EVERY MOMENT. this is an extreme case, but your husband's situation may be less intense and more manageable, more able to just stay hidden, as long as he avoids sex completely.
if he's unwilling to work on his issue at all, u could ask, unless he's dead-set against it, if u could have other partners, anonymous ones maybe, never the same man twice, just to fulfill this aspect of your life which he has chosen to not deal with at all. since he doesn't want sex at all, then maybe it wouldn't make him jealous if u have it w/somebody else? as long as there's no "romance" going on? this is, if this is something u would like to do. an actual love affair could be very destructive to your marriage, of course.
good luck!
another factor could be that u and he have gotten TOO close. not that this is anybody's fault, it just happens. practical stuff like bills and plumbing emergencies become the main thing in your life, instead of romance. a "date night" type of "appointment" might help w/this. this way you both know u'll be having sex that night, and leading up to it with a romantic dinner first, etc., like when u were dating.
there' s a whole tv show - it may not be on anymore - called The Friend Zone - where young people, even teenage or early 20s, just started out having such a good time talking and doing things they both enjoyed, that the time to begin a romance kind of came and went. on the show, one of the people is romantically in love with the other, and decides to ask them if they feel the same way. some of these young couples have been friends for years and years. they're very close, both may be good-looking, but neither of them has ever broached the romantic stuff. they tell each other about their disappointing love lives with other people they date. so it's not uncommon 2 get very close very fast, and for sex to feel a little "funny" to bring into the mix after a while. sometimes on this show, the other person feels the same way - interested romantically - but also has felt just too awkward to bring it up. the endings to these episodes are really great! imagine having sex w/someone u've been secretly crushing on for a long time, and who you know really well, trust, and already love and are loved by. then sex is added to the mix. it sounds great to me! I've never been in this situation myself, altho I have been in celibate relationships before. it was from being just too close, on my end, but also other factors such as both of us having trauma from the past that gets in the way just too much., 4 which I recommend therapy. as u can tell by now, I'm a big believer in good psychotherapy. it can help u uncover all kinds of things u've been hiding from yourself - the one person who really needs to know all about u!
I wouldn't call this advice.... But I can say been there... Still there. My wife had her hysterectomy and just before our wedding she went into early menopause. It really messes with the hormones. Since the wedding I can count on my fingers the number of times we have been intimate and still not reach 10. So far it has been over 18 months since our last encounter.
Was there any abuse or traumatic incidents in his past? I have several discussions with my wife and I came to realize that there was some trauma there that she has been avoiding for many years.
Through all past our discussions And arguments I was really getting confused with some of her responses. So I went to counselling to try and get a better idea on what I could do help. Or if that was possible. It was the third session with the councillor that was the most interesting. (Yeah... Getting a bit long winded). We were talking about the conversations I had with my wife and her reactions to certain things. She suggested I do a little research on "emotional anorexia". So I did and I was completely shocked. The first book I read pretty much described my life for the past 8 years. It was a little unsettling. But the more i read the more I started to understand. Now, not all of the symptoms apply to my situation but it was enough to get some understanding.
Still not sure what I am able to do to help. I have been slowly steering her back into counselling to find a way to cope.
I went through all of the "reactions". Passive aggressiveness, out right anger, feeling useless an unwanted. Thoughts of affairs, leaving, and went into a severe depression.
I have learned from all of this that giving her space was a really bad idea because that just allowed the behaviour to continue. I gave her one year where I asked for nothing, made no demands, and made sure that I did not push in any way. In a way I became complacent and started to feel trapped. So that backfired completely. Now I have turned to face this and I hit it head on. No political correctness, and no backing down. (One good sign is when you have an argument and end up feeling guilty afterward for your feelings. This is called deflecting). People in this situation are superb at deflecting. By approaching the argument with my emotions in control I point blank stopped when she deflected and told her point blank that I am not going to fall for it. After several attempts on her part to deflect it was apparent that it was not working. That was when I was able to get my point across and get her to admit that she had never even tried to deal with it. I was able to let my feelings out and get her to acknowledge them. And I also had to take responsibility for my own actions as well. (The passive aggressiveness, anger, and some mean comments I have made from the beginning). But in doing so I did not allow her to send me on another guilt trip.
So right now romance and sex are off the table. That was where I took the control of the situation and relationship away from her. (I flat out said that the following items are now off the table. Romance, sex, and arguments. If we can't sit down and talk rationally then we don't talk. And also.. Silence is not an answer to any question.
I could write a book ... But I would take a look to see if there is something from the past that has not been dealt with.
Another thing to remember is that most of those feelings of unattractiveness, sadness, guilt are all part of the process. Kind of like greiving the loss of a loved one. It could be possible that (as in my case) there may be a bit of unconscious "gas lighting" going on as well. (Some interesting reading on that topic).
If anything I have said is useful or giving you reason to suspect anything that may fit into this ... Well category then I would definitely suggest approaching it with a very open mind and push any bad feelings aside and take the information to heart.
I may sound like a bit of a jerk with a lot of this. But I assure you I am just a big softy. And I always try to be open minded and think 6 times before I open my mouth to say anything. And like most men I have become accustomed to the flavour of my shoes. But I also realized that if I did not take some kind of control, my marriage was going to end very soon. And that is something that I do not ever want to happen. So far nothing has changed in the intimacy department. But we are closer because of all of it. And it will be just a matter of time. (Yep.. More waiting).