The reason I am posting this type of topic is for encouragement. I was depressed about my past for a long time... ask me I will tell you why in detail. For this reason I began a cycle of drinking and drugs... they say those alter your mind and make you more depressed and yes to a certain extent they are right. Only when I use do I feel more depressed than before, and sometimes angry. Though they are not the root cause of the depression, and without treating the root cause of the depression you really do not cure the person of depression and/or drug usage if the individual has gone that route. My root cause was my sadness of the choices i had made not knowing that I was really missing out on a childhood. Living with my father and his new wife with 4 little ones was great at first. Then remembering the past and making sure I felt loved or wanted pushed them away and the past sent me to drinking again. This lead to my father distancing himself from me further sadening me and the drinking continued. Little did I know he knew the whole time... he did not even tell me that he suspected or anything he just let it continue. So the farther he got from me the worse my sadness became and the way the others were acting made me suspicious of other activities. This further my sadness because i thought they did not want me there but in truth based on my past of dealing with deceiful people I began to think the worst; thus, pushing them farther away and adding sadness that I was loving my family that I love. This being sad my jealiousy and envy of their living situation compared to mine influenced more sadness. Months went by and the more I began to lose them the more I began to become more sad and missing the family I love. The more i miss them and the more my heart screamed at me in agony and pain at what was happening. The more stress and sad I got... till one day I got over my past because i began doing my own research on pushing forward to goals I wanted to accomplish that caused my sadness and my fear of losing my beloved family. Now I am going to lose them on Monday, and now I have nothing to fight for to stop smoking, and drinking... the sadness will come back because of it... alot of things instigated by my own negative self-thinking will be fullfilled once more and strengthened with this loss. I do not envy nor am I jealious of them anymore I love them to death flaws and all to the end of time. One week of fighting for what I love and I know I need not some stupid program who knows nothing of me, and has hardly ever helped anyone! only 1 third of those who complete the program stay sober and 1 third of those who stay sober for a year relapse. SO basicly both statments pretain to a program but those 1 third who relapsed after a year began to measure out their drinks I only have 4 drinks a day. not a WHOLE PINT 1/2 THROUGHOUT the day like i did before,  and that was after the program, I drank A WHOLE PINT AND A 1/2 THROUGHOUT THE DAY. my new program being here after 5 months and relapsing I began measuring it out to 4 drinks not whole things. Now I quit and I will move on from the past because I am no longer thinking about it I am thinking about what is here and now that I ahve and do not want to lose... my family.... If they are gone and I go back to a stupid program THAT DOES NOT HELP it will further dip me back I know it will. I have lost way to much time in my life and wasted it stupidly for nearly 80% of it I believe and cannot afford more of it wasted because I probably shaved off about 10 years of my life due to smoking. I am 29 and will be 30 in June if you can imagine i lived to be atleast 80 with no abuse of anything. With 13 years of hardcore abuse on the body and nearly dieing from alcohol an 8 year abuse with marijuana cocaine, pills, methamphetamine, and cigarettes with no filter, I predict 65 as of now and with quitting 70. SO THIS IS MY MIDLIFE crisis to save my family obtain everything I ever wanted which is THE LOVE OF A FAMILY, friends, a girlfriend, and to have a social life is what i want. I beg you if you read this reply asap to me if you think or believe you can help me out... I don't want to switch my emoji to sad emoji ever again.