My sympathy towards your pain.

I have to ask you this question. Do you truly 100% believe this faith you are reconnecting with is your own belief or is it a belief you feel obligated to follow because it was taught to you? Answering that questin will certainly point in the the direction you want your life to go and allow you to find happiness.

For instance, I've recently had to come to terms that I've been living a lie and honestly hate Catholism. However it was my childhood upbring and thought it was the faith I believed in. I came to the crossroad of being miserable trying to be a catholic or being free and not wanting anything to do with it. Does that make sense? I'm a whole lot happier that I've realized that and it actually has made my relationship with God stronger.

Hopefully, this faith you speak of, is what you believe and what you were brought up in, that would be idealistic, but only you can answer that. Not a family member, not a priest, not even God. He gives us the power of choice so choose what makes you happy. Honest, Genuine, Happiness, that's what I think you need to find.

Do those values you think God wants you to uphold make you feel free? Recently I was told and now believe that God doesn't and isn't demanding me of anything. That's the beauty of God, he's so loving and boundless. The epitome of freedom if you ask me. God wants us to find happiness.

To be frank Church made me want to be even more deviant sexually on the inside. But hopefully this is the complete opposite for you and it will bring you peace.

I don't even know or care what the word secular means! LOL. But I thought I was so religious and so Godly.

I wasn't raised to be abstinate until I got married exactly, but my Mom when I was little was very adamant about taking sex seriously and only having it with potential Marriage Partners. Partly because my Dad had a child out of wedlock when he was young I think. I took this to an extreme and vowed to never have sex until I met the "one" and was too kinda outcasted like you said. It's crazy how some people think you're just so abnormal for not wanting to have sex.

Unfortunatly I thought I would be "rewarded by God" for abstaining and started vilifiying those who did have a sex life. I thought I was" holier than thou" and it destroyed a bunch of relationships, sexual and non sexual.

People thought I was gay and bi-sexual too! I really just wanted to be abstinate and thought I'd be pleasing God, and did alot of 'acting' or "ignoring" when sex topics would arise.

It sounds like your past has instilled alot of negative views about sex for you. I'm sorry to hear that, but I can relate, I am seeing that there are alot of people who have healthy functional sex lives that benefit greatly from it.

The funny thing is I've read the Bible my share of times and I can't remember once Jesus ever saying anything about the way the Christian faith views sex today. I may be wrong, but I doubt it, Jesus is by far my favorite figure in Christianity and I took his words to heart.

He did say love one another and be free though.

What was the concrete reason for renewing those vows two years ago if you don't mind me asking? I think finding why you feel this need to stay abstinate until marriage is key for your happiness.

I actually found out that abstinace before marriage is the last thing I could want because it would bring me alot of anxiety. I might run away at the altar for fear that I'd never be fulfilled sexually! lol.

But like I said this is all things I've found out about myself, again the key is to find out what you REALLY want, because God wants what you really want, for you. This is my belief. He supports us, not demands that we follow his creed! LOL, the creed is also 2000 years old!

To me Life is the most valuable gift God could give man, not sex, or union with another! Your theory kinda says people who take vows of celebacy are missing out on the greatest gift God can give, right?

Due to your past I would go to therapy or counseling, one who dealt primarily with sexual abuse. Those areas might be blocking you from finding happiness. I can't image the pain and guilt you've gone through being a victim of these acts and my heart goes out to you.

I'm finding out that there are other forms of intimacy other than sex. I dance all the time, and use my senses to the fullest abilities, neither of them have to do with me wanting to be sexual. it's just fun and feels good. The other day I was "shuffling" alone in my kitchen with a huge smile on my face, nothing sexual there.

I'm your age and have talked to two other people on this site experiencing the same thing. The fact is that some people were given the oppourtunity to learn a little more about sex than all of us and they are just a little bit more comfotable with it, probably because they no longer fear it and have found their way to deal with it.

I gotta go, but I hoped this helped and please don't take anything I said the wrong way, I really was and am just trying to help.

let me know if you have anymore questions, I'll try my best to answer them and if I can't soneone here will or God will guide you to someone who can in due time.

Sincerely,

John Wyatt.

Hi:

Thanks so much for the response. I really appreciate the feedback as support for abstaining has been a huge challenge for me.

I thought about the different perspectives and possibilities you mentioned. I do not believe it is an obligation, but who I am. I was raised from birth in a Christian family my whole life and then when I was 12 to 13 years old, I stopped going to church and began to think the same things you mentioned, that maybe being so ingrained in my beliefs left me to a natural curiosity with a desire for adventure that I would be missing out on. I went on to a serious relationship with a guy that was non-christian and respected my belief, but at the same time questioned it in a philosophical frame of mind. I also went through so childhood adversity often a determinant for an unsuccessful outcome. I was angry at God and at my life and essential rebelled. I went from a girl who couldn't listen to "secular" music to someone who just wanted to test out things that the bible scorned (my faith by the way is non-denominational christian). I was confused and lost and I was in a sexually active relationship, though I was raised not to have sex until I am married.

Through the period where I was distant from God, I felt levels of pain that I didn't know existed. People and situations that surrounded me were awful and complete difference
from what I knew when God was in my life. As I began to turn back to God, my heart, soul and spirit began to find peace, to heal wounds internally and outwardly that no person had on that level. I found unconditional love and acceptance that I had never had and things began to open up for me in avenues that contradicted my statistical forecast. Wounds I carried from a sexual trauma occurence as well as life experiences only reinforced what the Christina faith instilled, that a woman's body is for her husband only in wedlock.

Two years ago I re-newed my abstinence because not only had I ended a serious relationship, but I was wounded, away from God & my faith, and no one cared when I was going through the worst hardship I had faced. The only thing people were interested in was sex and they were willing to hurt me on atrocious levels to get it. I realized two years ago that in order to find the right person and bring the things in my life that were going to make me whole and renew my spirit as well as faith in God/Christianity that I need to remain abstinent because my purpose in life was not intended to be used as a sexual object or only recognized for that, but a person who's purpose is to be education, to help people, to be involved in the world on some impactive level. People without the same faith only saw sex as my purpose and didn't care otherwise. I truly believe that when you and your partner are committed, close, passionate in yourselves and beliefs as well as both share the same beliefs and have equal sexual interests, that it doesn't matter the quantity because your connection supercedes what can grow overtime.

I deal with more pressure for sex than a conversation and I am also really quiet by nature. I love to dance and that only added to the prenotation that I should be sexually active.

I have only been in one relationship and have gone to counseling that only served a purpose when I was an adolescent. I truly believe that waiting till you find the right person is what will provide the most gratification in the intimacy of a relationship. I am just shocked to have learned so much later (at the age of 26) how much hatred surfaces towards those choosing to refrain from leading a promiscuous or sexual-active life. God is giving the unconditional love for who I am, not how I am in bed, that I have been waiting for and have needed my whole life. As I began to spend more time focusing on him the immense healing and security is unprecedented.

I appreciate your feedback!

There are a lot of men and women who do not care to have sex for various reasons. On the net groups have formed and they call themselves "asexual." There are even matchmaking sites, although personally I don't care for matchmaking sites in general.

Personally, I just don't care for sex. I eventually felt compelled to do it just to keep relationships intact. But I found that I developed resentments because I nice evening cuddling in front of the TV was interrupted by obligatory sex. I never have learned to try to explain this to women I have been with. Sex is just so important to most people and women especially seem to equate a lack of interest in having sex with them as a personal blow to their self-esteem. Somehow a man without a sex drive is something less than a man. I don't even have a religious explanation since I am a non-believer. I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this. People seem to understand homosexuality more easily than non-sexuality.

I hope you find peace accepting your convictions and personal inclinations, and perhaps finding a man who shares them.

I think you should stick to your beliefs because you have to live with yourself and answer to God based on your own relationship with him. During my engagement, my fiance and I not only did not live together like a lot of people including some Christians, but we agreed on and stuck to specific written physical boundaries. I was grateful when I walked down the aisle with the peace of mind that I did something really important that a lot of people would never even consider.

My question to you is, why are people wanting to bully you for your beliefs? What kind of people are these? Why are these things being discussed? I think it's a personal matter. I had a Christian roommate in college who endured criticism for her beliefs; it was very hurtful to her, but she stuck to her beliefs nevertheless. I always admired that. I had never met anyone like her before. I was not yet a Christian and she had a big influence on me to become one later in life. Who knows who you will impact by standing up for your beliefs?

I think you are doing a good thing and gaining self respect and building strong character, even more so because you are swimming against the tide of what most of the modern world believes, and the Christian life is all about not participating in the world, which leads to death. (What does it profit a man if he gains the world but loses his soul?) Peace of mind gained from being true to yourself is huge and no one can take that away from you.

It seems as I get older that I get bullied even more for what I believe in. It has been so extreme that strangers will pass me and talk about how I am a complete virgin in bed and women will mock me and instigate that they are better in bed and will take the guy I want. It seems age has only worsened it.

I don't date because there is so much pressure for the purpose of being only able to get in bed. A six year relationship was difficult enough and I expected to move on, but didn't because people wanted to sleep with me, not know me as a person.

It is very painful and can feel in a sense "breathless" to the individual being. I think why did I have to be so different that my life would be held back in a sense (bullied to misery) because I am different. Everyone shouts out for rights, but everyone in some way is always trampling on another's.

I feel bad because I've been with one person and feel inadequate because of the people I'm around that are competing with me sexually and with men when I do not even date. Just to make it worse, a lot of typical guys try to take advantage of me or act like they are what will change my mind or what I need. People do not understand people who wait until marriage and have standards with partners. That is why we truly need God to protect us. Love is one of the most sacred things we are given and to have that abused speaks tremendously.

I was born in a Christian home and luckily the Christian friends that follow abstience are supportive to my cause. However, the community I am in is very much a "small town" mentality and I feel constant tension because I am not like everyone else and I AM WAITING FOR THE RIGHT ONE (God forbid that still exist now a days).