I’m really sad right now, because it seems I just keep saying the wrong things and I’ve somehow managed to damage a good friendship. I really don’t see where I said anything so terrible, but maybe somehow I did. It’s sad to me because I was beginning to open up to this person and I trusted him; this is not something I typically do. He said that he couldn’t continue to be friends with me, and in an instant I went from feeling secure and happy about feeling supported; back to alone again with only myself to depend on as usual.

It hurts me so much and I can clearly see that no matter how much I think I’ve accomplished to help to heal this old wound, nothing has changed, and I’m just as broken and alone as I have always been. I wonder if this deep pain and fear will ever leave me. I’ve cried rivers of tears through so many years, and still it hurts no less today than it did twenty five years ago.

The pain I speak of that of abandonment by my mother who became mentally ill when I was about four. Prior to that, she was a very loving and nurturing parent, but she changed over the course of the next few years until she left her children with the monster she had married. I was the youngest.

I don’t specifically remember the details of our interactions back then; only bits and pieces, but as my heart felt that old familiar pain and the tears come to me, I know I was angry at myself. It’s not only that she left, I’m not hurting so much because I miss her. I’m hurting because I did something wrong that caused her to withdraw her love. One day you can be precious and dearly loved, and the next rejected and tossed aside, and there’s no telling what can cause this, only when it happens, you wish you’d done something differently, because maybe you’d still be loved. I think about self-loathing, where it comes from, and how it affects me. I was thinking that a lot of it had to do with sexual abuse (and I’m sure it does), but I think a lot of my self hate comes from this, because as I stood there and looked in the mirror at my tear streaked face, I saw that damaged child staring back at me, and she asked, “why am I so fucked up? Why do I always do these things?”

So, I thought about my mother and something she had said, but first I should give you some background on this. She had a nervous breakdown and was delusional for a time; she had schizophrenic type symptoms. She didn’t tell me about her hallucinations, but I know some of what I heard. She said my dad was the devil and she believed that. Mental illness or not, I think she was right, but apparently it went further, because my older sister was the spawn of the devil who was born in “green slime.” I’m embarrassed to tell you that my mom would say or believe such a things, but I believe something like this was said. As I understand it, her oldest children (my brother and sister) where “good,” but her third child (this sister) was the devil’s spawn, and she “didn’t know” about me. She could not tell if I was good or evil.

So, when I was a young child, about seven or so, she used to test me in ways. I remember one time she asked me what color I thought a police car should be, black or white. Police cars at that time were black and white, and so I said, “black and white.” I think I was “okay” and passed her test for the most part, because she would tell me stories about how my dad wasn’t my real dad and how her and I were going to go live with my real dad who was a really nice man, who liked horses and knew how to play the guitar. I loved my mom, and I wish I could have gone with her to that happier world she dreamed of, but, but dad was the devil...

Eventually, she left us, me all four of us with our dad and she didn’t come back for many years (and then only briefly). I think that by the time she did, she had determined that I was no longer good... She said something to my oldest sister about me. She said that I had laughed once when my dad was raping her. Now, I can’t imagine I did this, because my memories of those times were all so awful and I can remember when they would scream at each other and struggle, I’d hide and cry. I had major emotional issues and their confrontations hurt me very badly, but I also didn’t understand that she was being raped. Maybe I laughed once. I don’t know.

I do know that when I was a teenager and I would feel emotional and wanted to cry, but I would try to stop myself and I’d start laughing. I would laugh, and sob at the same time and if you saw me doing this, it would probably concern you... I had to get the emotions out of me somehow and this was a really intense release. Why laughter when it wasn’t funny? I didn’t know. My therapist also told me that I will smile while I’m talking about something very painful and that my expression does not always match my feeling. I think I just sort of stop take a break and smile. It’s me just trying to be tough; I’ve had to do that. I’ve had to get though some very difficult times, also I know that I wasn’t comfortable crying in front of my dad. I wasn’t permitted to express my emotions and was taught not to cry.

So, I don’t know. But, whatever I did, for whatever reason, it was done and it caused my mother to withdraw her love and determine that I was “bad.” There are probably other things like this that happened that I am not aware of. Perhaps many little things I did to become evil in her eyes and somewhere in my subconscious mind, I know those things. I know I loved her very much and wanted to be “good” and for her to love me back. So, perhaps because she didn’t and she abandoned me, I have always concluded that I am bad, and deep down, I hate myself because of that.

And sometimes, I just feel like I am bad. I say or do the wrong thing, and suddenly, I’m a bad person... This recent issue; I was just saying something I actually feel, and being honest, so I can’t change it. If it makes me bad, I guess I am. I don’t know, but here I am with this familiar pain, my heart broken, me hating myself, and feeling like I can’t trust or depend on anyone. I just want to close up and be alone, but I’m so sad in that loneliness. I want love in my life, but feel like I just don’t know how to get along with others. I’ve always been introverted and self-reliant, and I have terrible social skills...