Hi. I want to share the experiences of my childhood with all of you. all I need is support and help in overcoming the effects of abandonment because I really am sick of living an incomplete life. I was a very happy go lucky child, who lived in her own world of fantasies and dreams, where everything was perfect and innocent and sweet and her dad was the emperor of her world. Mama was never a big presence in my life at that time. I was just a very cute, much pampered child who won everyone’s heart and completely ruled her father’s world. Then, my grandma decided she didn’t like things that way. Little by little, she manipulated my dad, corroded away his love for me and mine for him. Instead of being my favorite person, he became a dread for me. Instead of being his princess, I became a disowned and abandoned waif. At the tender age of 7, I can’t remember a single night that I went to bed without crying my eyes out. My mom, in the meantime, was caught up with a lot of other stuff. My brother was too young and my sister had always been closer to her. So, somehow, I just didn’t fit in to her schedule. There I was, then. Alone, scared, abandoned and no one was emotionally available for me. No one to hug me and tell me that they loved me. I lost my ground there and I lost all sense of convention. I became emotionally unavailable myself. I had no friends, though I was friendly with everyone. I stopped expressing myself because every time I opened my mouth I was greeted with sarcasm, criticism or people laughing at me. I became the quiet, reserved person of the first 15 years of my life, who nobody really knew. I trusted my sister a couple of times with my thoughts and opinions and she never could keep them to herself. All she did was expose me to more sarcasm and make me a butt of jokes. So I only trusted myself. And my trust was so strong that nobody could pull a secret out of me at any cost. I couldn’t open up, I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt or what I thought because I was scared of letting anyone into my space. A sensitive young child who had been exposed to such harshness and all her sensitivities crushed like glass. I existed alone, I cried alone, I lived alone. And that was the time when I first began to think that death would be such a relief from this tedious life. I think I was 12 years old when I first contemplated killing myself.

Age 21, I met my ex-fiance. When I first met him, I was not looking for love. I was just enjoying being away from “home” for the first time. So, we met, we became good friends, we flirted and had a lot of fun. I had a lot of other friends too at that time. But I think that He and I were on a collision course from the first time we set eyes on each other. It was like falling into space. There was no gravity, no control over anything and before we knew it, we were so hopelessly, recklessly in love. It was toxic. We were just crazy about each other. We had crazy fights and we made up crazy. He became my anchor to the earth. I started believing that I had found what I was looking for all this time. The world seemed to be full of roses. Then, I lost Him. Guilt took a relentless grasp over me. I knew and I still know how wrong I was in whatever I did. I am doubly guilty for putting us all in that position. My world fell apart. I was devastated. I just could not come to terms with the fact that He was gone. It’s still hard to believe at times. My death wish became overwhelming and it was the only thing constantly in my mind. I tried, I wished, I prayed, but it didn’t happen.
By this time, my self esteem was non-existent, I hated myself and I was sick of everything. Then my current fiance and then best friend took charge of me. I gave up on myself, but he didn’t. So, for him, I made an effort to resurrect myself. But things were not smooth here too. His friends and loved ones were not ready to accept me. My self esteem took another huge beating. Still, I tried to stand up on my two feet for his sake. But, every time I try, the world gives me another kick in the stomach. It’s like living in a house of cards. Every time I finish building it, someone blows it away. And now, I am tired of this game. I am scared of life. I just want to curl up into a ball somewhere and let go of this life. There is a deep fatigue, a weariness, which has settled in my mind, my heart and my bones. I am afraid of life, now. And afraid of tomorrow. I am afraid of what is going to happen. Nothing excites me, nothing makes me happy.
I want to be happy, I want to feel, I want to live and laugh and love and cry. I want to tear off this heavy, leaden blanket of dissociation that is muffling and deadening every sensation in me. Can anyone help me?