aa Spoken Here Community Group
Fellowship Where you can share your thoughts, feelings, stories and get support to gain and continue sobriety.
THE EGO & THE A.A.
"The pain & misery & horrible loneliness I experienced prior to my first meeting, sixteen years ago, finally convinced me of the need to look at my drinking. But the battle & every one since has been hard-fought. At times it seems to take a great deal of suffering for me before I'll even acknowledge the existence of those defects of character I'm still fond of, & even more before I'll consider giving them up."
"Looking back, it becomes clear to me that ego, before & since I gave up the bottle, has been the chief architect of my problems in life. Though I've not often thought of myself as an egotist ( what egotist ever really does? ), I begin to see the many small but dangerous ways my ego has conspired against me, & does to this day. It has every bit the power to alter my perceptions of reality that alcohol ever did -- & ultimately just as deadly, perhaps more so."
"I've come to believe that even during the times I think I'm trying to give God & A.A. a fair trial, ego truly warps my thinking & makes me only appear to be open-minded; I might search for answers, but I often go for the ones that bolster my arguments, & avoid those that argue against my views, or, I search for ways to weaken those arguments."
"That's why the ability to think a great deal ( what I always thought of as "intelligence" ), with no real humility, seems to be more a liability than an asset: A "smart" person has more bricks in his arguments, & can therefore build more readily build the wall between himself & God. Once my sponsor told me that no one is too stupid for A.A.--- But we bury the smart ones all the time. I finally begin to see what he meant."
"After all, no matter how "smart" I may think I am, the reality is that the selfish side of my nature, the ego, is far smarter still, not to mention devious, dishonest, & very patient & enduring in it's battle to survive. As evidence, how readily do I believe my own weak reasoning when the thing I want to do wins out in favor of the thing I ought to do?"
"How many times have I rehearsted an argument --- I call it a "discussion" --- with someone before he is in the room? I've done this with sponsors, A.A. peers, & others I have gone to as spiritual mentors --- yet the moment I ask for their help, my ego does everything it can to avoid it, giving me the "freedom" to decide --- knowing that if I discussed it fully, leaving nothing out, the right decision would probably reveal itself to be other than what I want?"
"And even knowing from experience that doing what I want eventually leads me to misery, while while making the sacrifice & giving up that cherished plan eventually leads to greater joy, how many times do I still lose the argument with myself?"
"I've given plenty of lip service to the destructive power of ego over the years, but rarely truly examined it to understand even a portion of the full implications of that concept. It's the real secret, I believe, to the reason for hitting bottom, & the real gift behind the "gift of desperation" --- the momentary reduction of ego enough to finally view a glimpse of reality, to allow for the smallest portion of surrender to happen."
"May I remain ever teachable, never "cured."
Greg M.
February 2009
The AA Grapevine
"The pain & misery & horrible loneliness I experienced prior to my first meeting, sixteen years ago, finally convinced me of the need to look at my drinking. But the battle & every one since has been hard-fought. At times it seems to take a great deal of suffering for me before I'll even acknowledge the existence of those defects of character I'm still fond of, & even more before I'll consider giving them up."
"Looking back, it becomes clear to me that ego, before & since I gave up the bottle, has been the chief architect of my problems in life. Though I've not often thought of myself as an egotist ( what egotist ever really does? ), I begin to see the many small but dangerous ways my ego has conspired against me, & does to this day. It has every bit the power to alter my perceptions of reality that alcohol ever did -- & ultimately just as deadly, perhaps more so."
"I've come to believe that even during the times I think I'm trying to give God & A.A. a fair trial, ego truly warps my thinking & makes me only appear to be open-minded; I might search for answers, but I often go for the ones that bolster my arguments, & avoid those that argue against my views, or, I search for ways to weaken those arguments."
"That's why the ability to think a great deal ( what I always thought of as "intelligence" ), with no real humility, seems to be more a liability than an asset: A "smart" person has more bricks in his arguments, & can therefore build more readily build the wall between himself & God. Once my sponsor told me that no one is too stupid for A.A.--- But we bury the smart ones all the time. I finally begin to see what he meant."
"After all, no matter how "smart" I may think I am, the reality is that the selfish side of my nature, the ego, is far smarter still, not to mention devious, dishonest, & very patient & enduring in it's battle to survive. As evidence, how readily do I believe my own weak reasoning when the thing I want to do wins out in favor of the thing I ought to do?"
"How many times have I rehearsted an argument --- I call it a "discussion" --- with someone before he is in the room? I've done this with sponsors, A.A. peers, & others I have gone to as spiritual mentors --- yet the moment I ask for their help, my ego does everything it can to avoid it, giving me the "freedom" to decide --- knowing that if I discussed it fully, leaving nothing out, the right decision would probably reveal itself to be other than what I want?"
"And even knowing from experience that doing what I want eventually leads me to misery, while while making the sacrifice & giving up that cherished plan eventually leads to greater joy, how many times do I still lose the argument with myself?"
"I've given plenty of lip service to the destructive power of ego over the years, but rarely truly examined it to understand even a portion of the full implications of that concept. It's the real secret, I believe, to the reason for hitting bottom, & the real gift behind the "gift of desperation" --- the momentary reduction of ego enough to finally view a glimpse of reality, to allow for the smallest portion of surrender to happen."
"May I remain ever teachable, never "cured."
Greg M.
February 2009
The AA Grapevine
I have attempted to express what I've learned about this issue in my recovery over the years of hard learned experience yet have never been able to express it as eloquently as this member has. May you all be as Blessed, as he and I desire to be, and remain ever teachable never "cured."
In Love, Light, Truth, & Service
"Stubborn TerrieAnn.
I don't know about other newcomers but my sponsor and the people I got sober with, took each others inventories quite often. Seldom during a meeting, but before it started and at the parking lot meeting after word. Newbies were informed of any defects which others could see, I had been seeing shrinks for ten years before trying AA, and knew my 'defects' of character. Nobody in AA was particularly disrespectful, but I learned very early on, that rigorous honesty meant just that. It was a very important lesson for me. Later I, along with sponsors, trusted advisors and friends, uncovered other defects and mostly my power greater than myself has helped me get rid of them. I still prefer to refer to them as personality characteristics which were not helpful to me or other human beings. My sponsor and other told me that even if God had not removed the defect, I could still act as if God had. I acted my way into healthier thinking.
At 11 years sober I still do this, even after endless rounds of the Steps and my 10th every day in some form or another. But for me it can still extend more widely than my interfaces with AA members. I can have these arguments in my head with people who are no longer in my life and who never will be and even people who are dead. So I act on it ASAP and it helps me. I'll never be "the full quid" as we say in Australia, but at least some of the time I am aware of these egotistical and irrational thought processes.
""I've come to believe that even during the times I think I'm trying to give God & A.A. a fair trial, ego truly warps my thinking & makes me only appear to be open-minded; I might search for answers, but I often go for the ones that bolster my arguments, & avoid those that argue against my views, or, I search for ways to weaken those arguments."
"That's why the ability to think a great deal ( what I always thought of as "intelligence" ), with no real humility, seems to be more a liability than an asset: A "smart" person has more bricks in his arguments, & can therefore build more readily build the wall between himself & God. Once my sponsor told me that no one is too stupid for A.A.--- But we bury the smart ones all the time. I finally begin to see what he meant."
Wow, it resonated so much for me because of controversy I have been engaged in - and not just in one group, but on several - all on an ego basis. What a waste of friggin' time, mental energy and contributing negative energy to the site!! As I used to say often in early recovery and really should say more often now, "It's very hard to see where you're going when you've got you head up your arse!!".
Thank you for helping me extract my head from my arse. Please help me to repeat, repeat, repeat.