I was going through some stuff I have written over time when I was journaling and found this, not sure where it came from. At the time I sure could relate. Never forget the feeling before whatever I was doing, when I was doing it and after when I wanted and need MORE.

Was all about MORE and the EFFECT for this alcoholic drug addict.

"Can't live with it or can't live without it" " I think I've heard that before", more than once
Biily

Hey gjm. This was thread no. 200 for the group. Not bad for it's first full week. Funny when I read this, I can't recall ever thinking of the final death side of my drinking. Not even when I was in hospital. Insane. Complete denial about the effects it would ultimately bring. But the day I crawled to the basin and looked in the mirror, that day I knew it was going to kill me. And that was the day I entered rehab. CM xxx

That was an every day occurence with the tape recorder with only 3 buttons....play, stop, rewind-over and over again for years.

CM. That's what we call that moment of clarity, where some power greater than yourselves.
There was a lot of people that looked in the mirror like you and is not on this planet any longer.
Not sure what ya mean about thread 200

I hope others heed their moment of clarity and act on it. :} 200 posts in the aa friends group.

In the big book it is called the jumping off place - unable to imagine life with or without alcohol.

I certainly reached that point and it was the most terrifying place I have ever been - totally trapped and seemingly with no way out. Not being able to imagine the next minute with a drink or with a drink. The thing that I most wanted at that moment was to drink and the thing that I most wanted was not to drink. Feeling that I was dying either way and sort of welcoming that thought as it seemed there was no other way out.

My moment of clarity came when I realised that i was not able to stop drinking on my own and that everything I had been telling myself about being able to make things different was a delusion. That I truly was trapped and had no way out on my own. That eventually opened up the possibility of me being able to find another way. Today I am not trapped. I am free!

yep i was at that point where i couldnt picture my life with or without alcohol no more...not a good place to be in

Yes, I reached that place too - I was staring death in the face if I continued to drink. I couldn't imagine life without it. My only alternative, as I saw it, was to go to God. As the Big Book says either God is everything or He is nothing, what was our choice to be? So it came down to a choice to either carry on drinking until death or pray for God (as I understand Him) to help me and try the spiritual life.

Freedom today is indeed sweet!

Yup. Sounds like my life right now.

oh no...i can so relate....i had the cravings really bad yesterday afternoon...i held on until the meeting.........then i felt better.....i dunno,i kept saying what if,what if i just drank one,no one would know,then i got to thinking about what they say in the meeting when it starts(i forgot now what it is)the capiticy to be honest,something like that..........well i know if i drank one i would have to say something cuz i really want to stay sober and make this work...i just thank god i am still sober today.....sorry to ramble.....

ejw, We have all been there and we are here to help you get through that. I wouldn not wish that situation on my worst enemy. Your not alone any more.

Hokte, It's the 1st drink that gets that craving going to a point of no return for some. We all have been where you was at I hope you have phone#s for times like this from people in your area. You are not a lone we have all been there.

Notice on both comments WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE AND FOR SURE WE ARE NOT ALONE TODAY.

Yes, I can remember "Damned if I do and damned if I don't" feeling.
My suggestion : Take it a day at a time and committ to sobriety and soon you'll feel the right path.

There's a huge paradox here, because sobriety changed my whole perception of death. By the end of my drinking I had become obsessed with the idea that if I died in that state of mind, I would only have to come right back and clean up the mess in another life. In other words, dying drunk wouldn't be the end of the show at all, but merely a postponement of some unfinished business.

Prior to that, the whole notion of reincarnation was simply incomprehensible to me in any factual or doctrinal sense, and I can no longer re-evoke the terror that it held for me then. But in the face of imminent death, it was as real as jug of Scotch and I was terrified to a degree I've never known before or since. There was nothing warm, fuzzy or comforting about it. It was as if I could no more kill whatever "I" am than I could put the electric company out of business by turning off a lamp. The closest I can come to describing it in verbal terms is that it was some sort of wired-in genetic imperative that beckoned insistently without forcing or overwhelming, if that makes any sense.

Four and a half years later and sober, I wound up in an ICU with what turned out to be severe congestive heart failure. They had even pulled my bed up near the open door of my room so they could watch me during the night from the nurses' station. Strange to say, there really were no ideas of heaven, hell or any of the usual religious conundrums that occurred to me at all. Then a nurse came in and asked in a quavering voice if I wanted a clergyman. I gave her offer about five seconds of serious consideration and then, quite to my own surprise, I said, "No thanks. I'm OK." Actually, that was totally surprising and incredibly liberating moment, because I really felt as safe as a toddler in his mother's lap. For if I didn't need a theological system or any theoretical salvation scenario then, then when else might I possibly need one?

So there was nothing a clergyman might have said or done to make my impending death any easier to get through. There was no longer the slightest thought of what might become of "me" in some future, post-mortem scenario. Instead and quite involuntarily, my mind quickly reviewed my past, and only two questions mattered at all. First, how did I stand with the people in my life, and second, had I at least tried to do the best with what I had to live up to my potential as a human being? Greatly relieved that there was no longer any serious unfinished business behind me, I promptly fell asleep.

That was 16 years ago last month, and for me the surprising lesson in it was that it would be my past, not some idea of where I was going in the future, that would make dying either tolerable or terrifying. Since then it has simply been a no-brainer, because there's no way I'll be able to come up with satisfactory answers to those two big, all-important questions if I drink.

Nemo, I don't really think its about the 2 questions. Its about total hopelessness and confusion inside of self.