Hi, my 14year old daughter just got diagnosed with Aspergers and it seems that i also show traits of it, but never been diagnosed, it would explain a lot of my problems through my life!! Im 45!!!! x

i was just diagnosed after years of doctors deciding i have to have schitzophrenia even after they would say i do not meet that diagnosis i just have to have it

My husband has never been diagnosed, and neither has his father (that I am aware of). His dad is 72.

Sorry hit submit before I was finished. My point was that if either of them are ever officially dx'ed that my husband is in his 30's and his father is over 70. I read an article not long ago that described the large numbers of people being dx'ed with AS as adults now. So don't feel alone! :)

After many frustraing years of being told that I was slow, had special needs etc etc, at the age of 30 years old I got really frustrated and wanted to know once and for all what was wrong with me so I went to my doctor and he sent me to a collegue of his and he diagnosed me as having autism. I then went to a different doctor and said to her can she tell me what disability I have and she said I have aspergers syndrome.
My dad hasnt been diagnosed with aspergers but shows a lot of symptoms of it.

I'm another probable: I began to suspect it when I ran across some articles about AS and all the Sx's sounded just too familiar. I had already been Dx'd with APD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, PTSD, and a few other typically concomitant disorders, btw. My new psychotherapist believes it's likely I have AS. I am learning more about it all the time, now, and so much of what I learn is like one more piece of a puzzle. My mother also realizes she might have some Aspie traits, and her brother pretty likely has it full blown. I would hazard a guess that my brother and one of his sons have some degree of it as well.

now i have problems with doctors closing me out of getting help because they are not willing to put the fact that they told me and my mom and dad i have aspergers in writing so i can get help since places to help require things to be in writing from a doctor

also the supposed aspergers and autism experts in my area is nothing but speech therapists and they are not qualified to diagnose a cold but all doctors here say they are the experts and know what they are doing

what they do is only tell me and my mom and dad i have aspergers then when they are asked to put it in writing that is when they change what they are saying and start yelling at me for being a lazy attention seeker and that since i do not have schitzophrenia or any thing that is psychotic then i am faking and even try to tell me i do not have the problems that i get social security disability for and others try to insist that my things listed in social security disability is a condition even when looking them up in the harvard medical library comes back saying i am only diagnosed with symptoms and taking lists of all the conditions that each symptom can be and ignoring those already told do not have then aspergers is the only actual condition left

they try to say that because i looked up what they are trying to pass off as a diagnosis and trying to turn a list of symptoms into a actual condition so i can get help is supposedly deciding to have things to get attention and this is not right

i do not decide to have a condition because if i did then i need to be busy having the billion things from the drug commercials on tv

when you look things up and it comes back as a symptom and not a condition as doctors in my area try to pass things off as then i need to get diagnosed with the only actual condition that shows in the list of possible things they can be after ignoring those already told do not have

i received the Dx last week, I'm it.

I'm 53

I had to pull my dx to see. It is dated January 31, 2003, I'd have been 52.

It appears to be very difficult to find someone to diagnose an adult. I have tried. I am 65 and have known I am Asperger's for about 3 years. My grandson is Asperger's and my daughter recognized the trait in me.

My name is Jesse, I turned 36 yesterday, and it seems I may have found out some interesting things after all these years, I have a psychologist appointment next week and was asked to write down "how I feel" - i managed to cut it down from about 12 pages to 4... but Im wondering if any of this sounds familiar to anyone? I have spent the last week turning my ability to focus on an interesting subject on myself.. I have become my own course of study, my own little science project... and this is what I learned.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL.

I was recently Diagnosed with ADHD that came about after our son was diagnosed with Autism, our daughter they believe was on the spectrum but has slowly moved away. They believe she has ADHD still though and still debating whether she meets the autism requirement or not and she is being given speech therapy etc. My mum is Bi-Polar and is suffering from early onset dementia too. Her mother has Alzheimer’s disease and was apparently Bi-polar or schizophrenic but never really diagnosed or treated till really late in life. I also have two cousins that are Autistic and a nephew who has aspergers as well so we seem to have a fair bit of it on my Mums side of the family. Through the course of all of this it has been made apparent to me that perhaps I might have these traits also (every professional we sit with invariably starts turning their focus on me) and so I was asked to look into it by my wife if only to help with the kids diagnosis, so I did and this is how we are where we are at this point in time. I have recently started taking Dexamphetamine for my ADHD which My wife says has helped immensely with me being “present” and I can definitely concentrate better and have less noise in my head (7 voices at once down to a more manageable 2 or 3) and feel much calmer too but a lot of the things I wrote down for the Psychiatrist at the Clinic were not ADHD symptoms and was advised that perhaps I might speak to someone about Asperger’s Syndrome. So here we are.
I guess I have always felt very separate and isolated and acutely aware that I am not like other people, not necessarily better or worse and the isolation doesn’t really bother me at all – but people just don’t experience things on the level I do. My mind see’s more detail, more complex relationships and patterns that so many people seem oblivious too, so I often don’t share a lot of my experiences and internalize most of them for my own learning and benefit.
In School I was a bit of a loner, I could make friends if i had to but I found the whole thing of belonging to groups of people and their different clicks very hard and also very boring and this meant I was hassled a bit. I generally spent most of my free time surfing on my own or playing my dad’s guitars and learning musical instruments on the weekend. I spent a lot of time with my Dad.
I still don’t keep many friends, my wife would call them acquaintances - I don’t go to visit them or to “hang out” I have one friend who I see the most and that’ s only when we surf. We talk about surfboards and board design (I am a surfboard shaper), which I like because it’s a subject that I know everything about and have studied for a lot of years. I realise that our conversations are only ever about this subject. I have two other questions that I remind myself to ask him each time I see him:
1. How is your wife?
2. Where are you working and on what job at the moment?
These two questions are usually sufficient to fill any remaining time in the water, and I’ll usually ask the same things next time. Or I paddle over to a nearby peak and surf near him but not with him. Our conversations really only vary in the type of boards we talk about and what type of board he wants me to build him next. I have recently discovered that of the 3-5 people that I do speak to more regularly (say every 2 weeks or more – but I can go 6 months or more without calling someone or making contact, I'm always too busy for correspondence) our conversations are 95% on surfing or board design.
I find that I am incapable of small talk it feels like pulling teeth, it’s really such a waste of time and energy and resource. I can talk easily about facts and subjects, even people and traits etc. and tasks to be completed with my wife, but have trouble with anything that’s random or not well qualitative or definable.
I have many hobbies and pursuits that I get carried away in and spend all my money on without thinking first. I do get upset if I can’t do these things and they are all solo pursuits as I find this is when I am happiest. I like to know everything there is to know about subjects and then I will often move onto something new and learn that.
I find it hard to talk on the phone, its hard to know when to talk, there can be uncomfortable silences and I always find myself wishing the other person would stop speaking and let me go - the longer the conversations go the louder the voice in my head gets that wants out of there. Even with my oldest friend who is very understanding of me sometimes I just say “alright I got to go” and hang up, she lives in The mountains near me and has bad reception so calls frequently drop out which is fine and I consider this the end of the call.
I think that I only really talk to my wife comfortably (most times) and although I am aware that she doesn’t understand me all the time she loves me and understands me the most and I’m OK with that. That’s enough for me.
When I was young the only way to know if a girl liked you was if she kissed you. I have asked one girl out on a date in my life. She said yes but I never followed it up, it was awkward. Parties are not my type of thing, neither are bars and nightclubs I would need a lot of drugs and alcohol to walk into a nightclub and chase girls and only ever went there out of necessity. I don’t like to hang out with guys and watching football with guys is like torture for me I imagine this is what they make you do in hell.
I was lucky that I never had to chase girls they always found me. Relationship wise I always seemed to find girls with a bad temper who were always focusing that anger at me. All of my relationships ended poorly. I liked sex a lot and figured out how to get it without commitment or attachment, ( i would take a lot of drugs, find a girl who looked caring and pretty, tell her she is beautiful then be honest and tell her I would really like to have sex with her - its amazing how often this worked for me. more than 70% of the time) which made life easier and gave me something to focus my attention on. I liked not being near someone for too long as people’s real sides come out quickly and it never ends well. I would find a love interest and hang around for 2-3 days then disappear forever.

I always thought and said to my friend, I’ll marry whoever - “first come first served” I used to say. I guess I didn’t think about the idea that marriage is built on love and attraction and things like that. I was happy and felt I got on well with everybody if I had to so what did it matter who I married - as long as they had a high sex drive and let me do my thing I would be OK.
My friend organised a blind date for me with my wife and helped me get organised. She told me this girl was different to other girls and that I wasn’t allowed to sleep with her till she made the first move or like ten weeks or something crazy like that. She got me some flowers to give to her and sent me on my way. I knew I wanted to marry Her the day I met her. I didn’t want to make a mess of it so I waited. I waited so long that she thought I was gay, but my friend was telling me that’s what I had to do so I did it. It ended well though so she must have been onto something. Having a Lesbian friend is great, she thinks like a man and a woman, which is a handy superpower to have on your side sometimes.

I am incapable of things like flirting, subtlety even romance I guess. I find compassion hard too I prefer things in absolute values and these themes are all based on half-truths and grey areas, which feel foreign to me and can be difficult to navigate.
I know that I’m not stupid - I scored high 140's on the last IQ test I took but I do suffer socially. I do have a hard time reading cues, and I'm not great at reading faces. I don’t like the feeling of people looking at me and get particularly uncomfortable when someone is looking at me side on or is in my peripheral as I can’t see them or know what is happening and I feel anxious. When I walk on the street I generally look at the ground. Although I am told that my social skills are terrible, I don’t see it or realise it but it has happened so often that I feel there must be some validity to it. When I look at people I evaluate them and put them into categories based on looks, clothing, ethnicity, and a whole bunch of other categories I study people a lot as it helps me to understand my place better.

I will walk away from people mid sentence a bit. I'm unsure as to why I do it. I think that I get anxious and uncomfortable, sometimes I’m bored and sometimes I feel if it’s group situation and I have said what I need to say, that my part is over and it’s OK to leave. The strange thing is I’m not aware that I do it at the time, I don’t realise that I have left if that makes sense. At our engagement party I did this to every well wisher who tried to speak to My wife and I. My wife said this was particularly hard for her and she was forced to make up excuses like “he’s just drunk” though I wasn't drinking. I have trouble not telling the truth and saying whatever is in my head. If a baby is ugly or has bad facial symmetry I will note it to the parents. My friend told me of the time I went to her friends’ house with her to see their new child, they were the first of their friends to have a baby and so everyone was excited and making a big deal about this baby I apparently informed them that he had a large head in comparison to his body. Apparently it didn’t go down well but I had already left the room.
I told my sister in law at her wedding that is was OK that My wife's parents hated her because I liked her and so it was OK. This is still a sore point in the family. I thought I was bonding with her. I wasn’t stating anything that wasn’t already common knowledge I was if anything adding my support. I feel I get taken out of context a lot.
I used to have a motto that I would use when my friend would want me to go somewhere “crowds of 3 aren’t for me” and if we went to busy places I would sometimes just disappear and go home and not tell anyone.
I have real trouble with conversations of more than one person; the hardest thing is walking up to people who are already in conversation. I’m really anxious in this position and not sure what to do to be acknowledged and if they don’t acknowledge me quickly I will usually walk away to somewhere else and move on. Every second I stand there I fell like I am naked in a crowded room.
I am articulate and intelligent but I feel I get taken out of context a lot and that people misunderstand me on a regular basis, I have tried to learn to speak more and to articulate better but this hasn’t helped. No matter how many words I use or how many analogies I create to describe something I don’t feel understood. This is particularly evident when I am nervous I will talk a lot to divert attention away from myself and then My wife will usually apologize for me and tell people I ramble when I get nervous. I learned early on that being humorous or a "clown" gets people to focus on what you say rather than you... It’s kind of like hiding in plain sight. It wasn’t that hard, most everything I say that is comedic is generally lifted verbatim from things I see on TV or hear (Yesterday I was told about Echolalia - which was interesting, I still do this every day at age 36) and as I am quite blunt people would often laugh at what I say when I’m not expecting them too and I learned to do this regularly which I now think has maybe taught me to be more blunt which may not be helpful.

I do have a poor self-image and possibly lower than normal self-esteem ( I'm 6'1 and muscular and surf a lot but thats no compensation to my self image) I'm not sure how other people feel about themselves. I have learned to live with the fact that I hate most everything about my appearance, my posture, my profile, my clothes and the sound of my voice but I feel a sense of freedom in acknowledging it and learning to be OK with it on a daily basis. Most days I just try to put it out of my head and move on. When people look at me though I feel that they are looking at my flaws and that they are seeing the things I hate and that they will feel the same or worse still make mention of them to me which would be horrifying. I would very much like to be able to move through the world unnoticed and thus uninhibited by anyone or myself.
My clothes in particular annoy me. I buy new clothes and never wear them or wear them once. They always seem to shrink after they are washed and then aren’t very complimentary. They lose their crispness too so I often change my clothes throughout the day. My wife says this isn’t true that they haven’t shrunk but I can feel the difference on my skin when I wear them. I just don’t think she notices these things.
I feel I have self-learned a lot of necessary coping skills to blend in. I am aware of when I am supposed to say thank you and hello or goodbye, I have a little voice in my head that says “Jesse this person is talking to you and you haven’t made eye contact yet” or “this person just helped you, you need to say thank you” I find though that trying to remember to complete the functions interferes with me listening to what they are saying. Its like I can look at you or listen to you but I can't do both so which would you prefer? I do have to be constantly aware though or I do frequently forget or miss the mark manners wise and this causes conflict particularly with My wife parents – they do not like me very much. I think they find me rude. They are always complaining about me to My wife, which is hard for her.

Going into the world to complete tasks always feels like a big effort to me, the day to day stuff is the worst, here's an example I came up with. Now I don't know what you think about when you get the groceries but this how it is for me..
When I do the grocery shopping I am trying to get into the store without getting in anyones way or having to speak to anyone, If there are people working for charity organisations in the doorway I wait until they are occupied or come back later, In a pinch I will listen to my voicemail and keep my head down and make a run at it. When I get inside I am trying to navigate to get what I need and stay out of peoples way, but I often end up going the wrong way or doubling back and running into people a bit.
I am clumsy with fruit and veg and stacks of apples are my nemesis oranges in stacks scare the life out of me. I am very aware that there will be a lady at the checkout that will expect me to talk to her and ask me questions. Sometimes I try to imagine the scene before I get there so I know what to say, or try to see what she looks like to figure out something relevant to talk to her about if I need to based on how she looks, her age, what I think she is like and who she is. I will pick a line that I am comfortable with no matter how long it is, and wait it out. I tried the self service lane once but the machines do weird things and a lady comes over to help and the last time that happened she became very irritated with me. Im not sure why but I was definitely having trouble.

My Mum and my wife say I am very blunt and can be cold but I am really surprised by that as I feel like I am one of the most loving people I know. I am always concerned for the welfare of my family and I feel like it’s my main priority in life. When people tell me to kiss them I do tend to just push my forehead into their face apparently. Kissing for me is functionary and not very useful unless it leads to sex. I have been trying to kiss my wife more to make her feel more appreciated though.
I guess I am very black and white and can be quite rigid and even defiant at times. My mum told me yesterday that although she loves me there have been times in the last few years especially when she has wanted to kill me when she leaves after visiting. She is constantly telling me to tell my wife I love her. I do try to do this though I do wonder at times why people need to be told they are loved so much. She says my phone calls are like business calls and very clinical and abrupt at times. She says there have been instances where I have a problem and will turn it around and convince my wife that it is her problem. My wife has told me that she is racking her brain at times asking herself if she is going “mental” - currently she is and is being treated for depression which it turns out may be partially or even substantially my fault. I don’t want that to be the case for her so I am trying and feel willing at this point to do something about it if I can. Until recently I felt fine with myself and state and believed that it was everyone else who needed fixing they were living in a world filled with shades of grey whereas my life was all very black and white.
I love my wife and my family they are important to me. Since they came along I feel more secure and stable and able to function better in life. I feel loved and suffer less stress in life but if you asked my wife the same question her answers are probably the opposite. She says she is more stressed and tired and poor than she has ever been in her life. She might say I have brought her feelings of uncertainty, isolation, feeling unsupported and like we are heading in different directions at times. Until now I thought that if I feel fine and she does not and we share the same life and experiences then surely the fault is with her. The way she perceives her life and a lacking appreciation for what she has. But again it seems I may be wrong. I thought the problems in our home were entirely hers. One hundred percent hers actually, although I didn’t always tell her that.
I love my wife to death and I look at her like a beautiful diamond she is very precious and beautiful but in a shape and form I don’t understand and made up of elements I know nothing about. My most common answer to my wife's questions is “ I don’t know” she asks a lot of questions that I have no answers to. This is especially true when I have a conversation with someone and relay it to her:
“Caleb and Lauren are having a baby” i say - this will lead to about 20 questions that I never thought to ask and I realise how little information I have to give her. Which maybe says something about my social interactions with people.
My wife says I am hopeless with many things; the kids, responsibilities paperwork and all kinds of day-to-day tasks. She doesn’t always trust me to do things and does a lot herself because she thinks I wont do it right or won’t complete the task. She thinks I am very blasé with our children. I love my children but it has taken me a long time to get there. I generally don’t really “like” my kids until they get to about 1-2 and probably have little contact with them until then. Once I do get that bond I love them wholeheartedly but I find babies to be needy and the relationship very one sided. I do love my family, although I find myself very relieved when they leave for the week (we have a business in The city and live in on the coast so my wife + kids spend half the week there and half the week at home) because I don’t have to think so hard about what I am supposed to do and say and what tasks I need to do to keep peace in my home so there is no anger. Last week they left and shortly after I called my wife because I felt funny and I think I missed them a little bit. I cannot remember ever feeling like that before It was really new to me and I didn’t much care for the feeling at all.
These last few weeks have all been a very hard period of self-realization, until now I have always been so self-assured in my thinking and my logic. I was very focused on my values and how I thought things should be. I felt I was always right in my thinking and belief system, I put a lot of time into understanding the world around me, the patterns and the rules. Recent events have really taken that from me and I'm not sure which way is up or down and my life has lost it’s gravity. It’s like devoting your whole life to mathematics learning formulas, patterns, algorithms, and rules and then all of a sudden someone comes along and shows you a flaw in your method that completely squashes everything you’ve learnt. It’s like waking up from a coma. I would be less surprised to look in the mirror to see green eyes or black skin. It’s very unsettling but I am trying to work with the new information that is being presented to me and not be rigid and dismissive. I realise that I may have to learn to be more social even if it holds no intrinsic value to me.

I really want a better relationship with my family and to be less of a burden on them. I really want to find my place in life, I have had over 40 jobs in 36 years.. i haven't worked in 4 months and I'd really like job number #41 to be something I can stick at.

So there it is in all it's ugly detail, I don't know if you guys connected with any of that or not or even I f i explained myself properly but apparently its cathartic and will help me get closer to where I need to go. I'll tell you how I go at the Psychologist's and see If I have Aspergers or If Im just weird.

Jesse