"For flowers that bloom about our feet;
For tender grass, so fresh, so sweet;
For song of bird, and hum of bee;
For all things fair we hear or see,
Father in Heaven, we thank thee!"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why do Pilgrims pants keep falling down?
Because their belts are on their hats.

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," the man pleads desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show to the man.

"That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" asks the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer, waits a few minutes, and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man. "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!"

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll let you know next week!

What did the turkey say to the hunter?
"Quack, quack, quack!"

Let's talk turkey...

What's the best way to stuff a turkey?
Take him out for pizza and ice cream!

The two-toed turkey towed twelve times ten talking turtles.
How many talking turtles did the two-toed turkey tow?

Let's talk turkey.
Okay...gobble, gobble!

Hey, I bet you never saw this next one coming...

The Pumpkin Pirates

'A Tale from Lucian' by Alfed J. Church (adapted for this format)

Once upon a time, Lucian the Greek was filled with a desire to see strange countries, and especially to discover whether there was any opposite shore to the ocean by which he lived.

So having purchased a vessel, he strengthened it for a voyage, that he knew would no doubt be long and stormy. Then he chose fifty stout young fellows having the same love of adventure as himself, and next he hired the best captain that could be got for money, and put a store of provisions and water onboard.

All this being done, he set sail. For many days he and his companions voyaged on deep waters and in strange seas. At times the wind was fair and gentle, and at others it blew so hard that the sea rose in a terrible manner.

One day there came a violent whirlwind which twisted the ship about, and, lifting it into the air, carried it upward into the sky, until it reached the Moon. There Lucian and his comrades disembarked and visited the inhabitants of Moonland. They took part in a fierce battle between the Moon-folk, the Sun-folk, and an army of Vulture-horsemen; and, after many wonderful adventures, they departed from Moonland, and sailing through the sky, visited the Morning Star. Then the wind dropping, the ship settled once more upon the sea, and they sailed on the water.

One morning the wind began to blow vehemently, and they were driven by storm for days. On the third day they fell in with the Pumpkin Pirates. These were savages who were wont to sally forth from the islands that lay in the seas thereabouts, and plunder them that sailed by.

For ships they had large pumpkins, each being not less than ninety feet in length. These pumpkins they dried and afterward dug out all the inner part of them till they were quit hollow. For masts they had reeds, and for sails, in the place of canvas, pumpkin leaves.

These savages attacked Lucian's vessels with two ships, or rather, two pumpkins and crews, and wounded many of his company. For stones they used pumpkin seeds, which were about the bigness of a large apple.

Lucian's company fought for some time, without gaining the advantage, when about noon they saw coming toward them, to the rear of the Pumpkin Pirates, the Nut-Shell Sailors. These two tribes were at war with each other.

As soon as the Pumpkin Pirates saw the others approaching, they left off fighting Lucian's crew, and prepared to give battle to the Nut-Shell Sailors. When Lucian saw this, he ordered the captain to set all sails, and they departed at full speed. But looking back he could see the Nut-Shell Sailors had the best of the battle, being superior in numbers, having five crews against the two of the Pumpkin Pirates, and also because their ships were stronger. As for their ships, they were the shells of nuts which had been split in half, each measuring fifteen fathoms or thereabouts.

As soon as the Pumpkin Pirates and the Nut-Shell Sailors were out of sight, Lucian set himself to dressing the wounds of his injured companions. And from that time on both Lucian and his crew wore their armor continually, not knowing whether another strange enemy might come upon them.

The End...For Now...

You know you overdid the gobbling when...

Paramedics bring the jaws of life to pry you out of the easy-boy chair.

The gravy boat on your table was a real 6-foot boat.

You receive a Sumo wrestler application in your email.

Friday you set off three earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

A guest quotes a Biblical passage from the feeding of the 5000.

That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.

Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard and delete this.

This Thanksgiving, be thankful for the trash collectors who pick up your garbage. Without them, you'd have to decorate your home with empty aluminum beverage cans. And you'd have to walk around with a clip on your nose, which would end any hopes you have of getting a date.

You are so funny Beaumont. I love coming here and reading all your jokes. Thanks for starting this group. It is the only comic group I go too.

Wow, what a great audience! ;-)